43 Fafunwa S2 Ep6: Bp and Bp
He’d been pacing about the house while waiting for Ibiyemi to get dressed so they could go collect the results. She’d been oddly interested in actually finding out the results.That was a surprise to him. Suddenly, Ifeanyi could smell a rat.
“Hmmm. Ibiyemi, you baff so?Wetindey smell?”Ibiyemi had just about had it with Ifeanyi’s criticism of her personal hygiene.
“Whaaat???Whaaaat?? You want to tell me you don’t know a rat died in this house since? Instead of you to look for it, you will be accusing me. After you will call yourself a strong man.”
“Heyss.Heeeeysss! Yemisharrap there. Just tell me it is not you. Which one is all this??”
Now they were seated in Mr.Enyi’s office. Mr.Enyi the lab technician. Lanky man, full moustache, no beard, Igbo accent. Looked forty but was actually forty-eight. Not too bad.
“So what are the results?” Ifeanyi could not hold himself any longer.
“You’re supposed to take the results to a doctor. I can’t tell you nna.”
Ifeanyi was having none of it: “But you know the result. Why can’t you just tell me?” Mr.Enyi thought he would have a little fun at Ifeanyi’s expense.
“Okay. Madam,” he turned to face Ibiyemi,“you tested positive for HIV…” Ibiyemi’s face fell; all the colour drained at once.Ifeanyi screamed out loud. “Nooooo!”
“Calm down, calm down. I’m just playing. No HIV you’re both f…” Mr.Enyi couldn’t get the last word out as Ifeanyi viciously slapped him.
“What… Why…???”Mr.Enyi stuttered. “I just dey playna…”
“With my life?Ifeanyi yelled. “Yesterday for the first time I lick peppersoup without napkin! You wan kill me with BP??”
“Ehn? Pepper gini?” Mr.Enyi didn’t understand.
Ifeanyi thrust his hips forward and back as he repeated himself: “Peppersoup. Anumpamkagi!Idiot.I for wound you now sef!”Ifeanyi reached for him again as Ibiyemi made to restrain him…
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Bright lights.Very bright lights. Sparrow shaded his eyes from the glare. He seemed to be nowhere and everywhere at the same time. He was floating on air but was somehow firmly planted on a concrete pavement. A voice.A booming voice. It sounded far away but seemed to be getting closer the more he heard it… and it began to sound thinner as well. The bright lights also seemed to dim gradually and he began to focus.
A silhouette… Of a small person…
Then it went dark. And then a spotlight on a tiny chubby man dressed in a loose fitting red suit. He was wearing a cap not unlike the one Igbo high chiefs seemed to always wear in Nollywood movies, Sparrow reckoned. He approached.
“I be genie. Wetin be your wish?”
“G- tani?” Sparrow asked, perplexed.
“I be genie. I deygive wish. Any wish wey you make, I go give you. Now now!”
“Eh ehn? Okay na. How many I get?”
“Only one my friend. I resemble Fada Christmas?” Sparrow looked again at the red suit and the cap before replying exasperatedly:
“Well… yes na!?!”
“Well, I nobefada Christmas. Clot don finish for wardrobe before I begin come. And the any-work weydeydat our yonder na Igbo woman wey likemoney. Every thursday, she dey carry pure water go hell-fire go sell.”
Sparrow nodded like he understood.
“Anyway, I be genie. One wish.Kiyakiya.”
Sparrow stood there in thought. Then suddenly it hit him:
“Oko meta!” He screamed.
“What?” The genie asked with no small amount of incredulity.
“Oko meta.Tiriblockos. I want tiriblockos.” Sparrow raised his index, middle and ring fingers to the genie in illustration. “Alicia deytoo disturb me. I never ready to handle am but if I get am tiri she gokeep quiet…”
The genie shook his head but made a gesture. He opened his hands as if he meant to say “Voila!” Instead he spoke in a rhyme Sparrow could not fathom:
“Gods of sex, gods of wonder
gods of kinky wily tricks,
help your son white girl to plunder
please give Sparrow three big dicks!”
Sparrow was utterly nonplussed. “Wetin dis one dey yarn sef…?” Then he felt it. He moved his hips to give room for what he felt growing in his loins. He ripped his trousers in delight as he looked down and saw it. Rather, he saw them.
“Yeeess!!!Alicia mo ready fun e. I have ready for you!!! Wagba!!!”
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“Alright baby. I’m here. Show me how ready you are.” Sparrow woke up to see Alicia all over him. It was 3.14 am and she’d heard him mention her name while he slept. She’d been trying to get him to have sex with her for days on end now but he seemed reluctant for some reason.
And her bones needed jumping.
She was horny enough not to bother with the fact that her dear Lateef was sleep-talking while he beckoned her. Whatever he wanted to do to her in his dreams, he could as well do in person. He was awake now though. For a moment she held her breath afraid that he would tell her to back off. She wasn’t sure how many more times she could get turned down before she went mad.
But today would be different…
“Oya come do collect B.P.” Sparrow’s dream had somehow served to embolden him.
“B.P.?” Alicia smiled, intrigued that someone as seemingly coarse as Lateef knew about “Blood pressure.” She gained more confidence and her hands worked to cover every inch of his bare chest.
“Lateef, is your sex that good? Good enough to give me high blood pressure?” She smiled ever more patronisingly as she reached for his belt buckle while nuzzling his neck and moaning. Sparrow had absolutely no idea what she just said. This woman said a lot of weird things to him, he thought. One thing he was sure of though: she wasn’t yet clear on the meaning of “BP”.
He reached out and grabbed a boob anyway.
Alicia had never considered herself religious. The whole supernatural angle never caught on with her. Life was what you made of it as far as she was concerned. However, when she saw and felt the size of Sparrow’s immense shaft….
“Jesus H. Christ!” she gasped.“Oh my God! What IS THIS???” Now it was Sparrow’s turn to smile:
“This is my B.P. na,” he said while pointing down at his Magic Johnson…
Author’s note: we have reason to believe that it WAS indeed a Magic… Johnson. Geddit?
Twenty minutes and several full-body orgasms later, Alicia, wrapping herself under the covers, looked up at a very smug, cocky Sparrow.
Yes. We had to use that adjective. Cocky.
Her mind was made up: “Lateef, I love you. Will you marry me?” Sparrow was shocked.
“Say wetin??!!”
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Thanks for reading. Please drop your comments below. For those new to #43F, I write it with @cikko and you can catch up on the previous episodes here. Cheers.
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I can picture Ibiyemi's face when the HIV yarns dropped….LMFAO
“I just dey playna…” LOL
“I be genie. Wetin be your wish?” LOOL.
I reiterate, you people have brain damage.
I like brain damaged.
Loooooooool! Oko meta kimmon!
“Yesterday for the first time I lick peppersoup without napkin! You wan kill me with BP??” ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! that was soooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the funniest 43 Fafunwa I’ve read so far!
" Oko-meta "Its so hard to hold dis laughter in joor …… Ahan ahan see as people dey look me for office ooo
This is too funny. The genie part killed me
Ditto
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! hilarious! Oyinbo just had to tie that D down!
Nah! This was darned hilarious yo!
Cikk0 na sicko. Too sure!
But what BP was Sparrow referring to? Big Penis?
LMAOOOO @ “Yesterday for the first time I lick peppersoup without napkin!”
what exactly does lick peppersoup without napkin imply?
100/100 great job this week
i concurr, really good