I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend
Dear Efe,
Please pardon me..this is goin to be a fairly long one
It has taken me forever to write this letter…pls I need real advice because sometimes (no offence) u just tell pple how they’ve flopped and dnt give dem a solution..(I stand to be corrected)
Well to my issue…phew..ok,I’ve been seeing this guy fr about a year..would I actually say ‘seeing’?…we were ‘just friends’ but as time passed we knew it was more…we really like each other..and I’m nt trying to make myself happy or anything,I know he really likes me and I I like him silly too..
We spend all the time together,there’s no time for me to actually see any other guy..he cares for me,buys stuff for me,listens to me,respects me and all that and he is so sweet,calls me baby and all and he is d only person who calls me by my other name..
The thing is when people ask me ‘what is up between you and A**?’ and I say ‘we r just friends’ I feel really stupid but I can’t say he is my boyfriend either cuz he really isn’t..
I want him to be mine like officially and we talked about it and he said,he can’t handle a relationship cuz his last one didn’t work and he is messed up now and that he wishes he met me like 2yrs ago and we wouldn’t even be talking bout this cuz he wuld have made me his gf buh he can’t do that now cuz he would be a horrible bf and he doesn’t wanna hurt me cuz he likes me too much and I’m d most special person in his life…
U know we actually didn’t get physical until recently…we haven’t had sex yet sef..
I don’t know what to do again cuz I feel like I’m just stuck…I told him several times that if we r just goin to remain like dis,I have to leave..but I couldn’t leave…he is my everything..recently I summoned courage and tried to leave and I culdnt bear it I cried evryday,had to tell him I miss him and all and den he says he knows he is selfish but he can’t let me go..he wants me in his life…I was hoping this time,he would ask me to be officially his so he won’t lose me anymore but we r still on d dame spot..
He gets jealous smetimes although he tries nt to show it,he wants to knw everything I’m up to,he doesn’t wanna let me go anywhere and still he doesn’t want a relationship cus he says he can’t handle it..Me I’m confused o
What do I do o???
-Ms Confused
Hello Ms Confused,
Do you think his reason for not committing to a relationship with you is genuine?
If you believe them to be true, then you will need to give him some more time. How much more time will be entirely up to you. On the other hand, if doubts have crossed your mind about his honesty, then you need to walk. Yes, you’ll shed tears and be heartbroken but you will heal. A number of things you need to know:
- Once a thing is ‘defined’ things begin to change. Soon after your relationship status is defined, you may begin to realize that he is not such a perfect guy after all. This is because people change as soon as their relationship with another person or a group of persons changes. Married couples will tell you they had a fantastic relationship until the guy proposed, then they started fighting more often. My point is, be careful about this undying love and the need to define your relationship.
- You can be in a relationship with somebody and not get physical or become sexual. You are actually in a relationship with this guy but it’s not as intimate and committed as you’d like it to be.
- When a guy wants something, he goes for it wholeheartedly. This guy’s ‘one leg in, one leg out’ approach isn’t symptomatic of a guy who believes you are his dream girl. Would he get upset if you tell him that a particular guy is coming on to you and you don’t mind? Does he expect you to be exclusive with him?
In a nutshell, if you believe his reasons and you’ve got patience, I’d advise you to stay in the relationship and just give him time to heal. If you don’t believe his reasons, tell him calmly that you’re leaving him and cutting off all ties. There is no other way to do this. It is harder to walk away from someone when you are not upset at them that’s why you couldn’t walk the first time. This time, you need to know and accept that it will a tough experience and you will need to embrace it as it comes. If he loves you enough, he will wake up and fight for you. If he doesn’t, then you’ll know he wasn’t such a great guy after all.
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Hello Efe,
I am 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I can’t exactly say it was by choice at first cuz noone has ever approached me. No guy has ever told me that he likes/liked me and it kinda scares me. Some of my friends say I seem unapproachable but i see people that are worse than me that still have guys running after them. Whenever my friends tell me they think a particular guy likes me, i unconsciously start avoiding the guy. i do not really know what is wrong. What are your thoughts?
Thanks
Lonely girl
Hello lonely girl,
Let’s have an ongoing conversation because I need to understand your situation better.
Do you have male acquaintances? Guys with whom you’re good friends with?
My first thoughts are there’s nothing wrong with you. Some of us are ‘late bloomers’…I am a good example of being one…
This means that in some areas of our lives, it may seem like nothing is happening while our friends are having all the action. Eventually, when things change the wait becomes worthwhile for us…..
Efe.
hey Efe,
Yes I have male friends. In secondary school, they were more like acquaintances. i never really had real conversations with them .Iit was just occasional banter but in university, i am much closer to them. In fact this semester, i have become closer to a lot of them. Well your idea on being a late bloomer seems plausible but i feel like i’ve waited long enough. So what do you think?
i guess you can publish the first email. I would like to know other people’s thoughts on it.
Hello lonely girl,
I am a bit more confident in my assertion that you are a late bloomer.
You don’t come across as a socially awkward girl although I sense a strong hint of shyness.
At 20, relationships are mostly immature and transient, you are not missing anything.
Your golden years are still very much ahead of you.
Efe.
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Hello everyone, welcome to another Saturday of sharing.
As usual, please use the comment box and give some advice or share our own experience.
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As always, any email sent to saturdayconvos@thenakedconvos.com asking questions or sharing a secret will be treated discretely and only published as anonymous. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
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About the Author
Efe_Ogaren I am in my late twenties and happily married with an academic background in Economics, Psychology & Finance. My professional experience is in Management Consulting & I enjoy being outdoors, volunteering and observing social interactions between people.
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When a guy wants u. Truly wants u, he'll do EVERYTHING he can to be with u. EVERYTHING! Learnt that the hard way and I hope u learn too. Been where u r at now. When I walked away, my heart used to physically hurt. It's been 2 yrs and i still think of him but it def was the right thing to do. In summary, it will be hard. Very. But u should leave him.
Don't think of the hurt you'll feel when you leave him. Think of the happiness you'll find in yourself (and probably with some other guy out there). If you were happy and satisfied you wouldn't be complaining.
The guy might have issues…but I think he's being a coward by not attempting to ask you to date him. If you say you'll leave and he asks you to stay….fine!. If he doesn't do anything and watches you leave then its either his issues r 2 much or he doesn't love you. He'll be back for you if he does love you, but don't waste your time waiting forever. Be happy, ok?
dear miss confused… this your situation could go on and on for a long time. just don't let it get too far. What you don't know is that he's blocking other potential misters cause everybody will obviously think you guys are dating. And if he doesn't man up soon….Wahala. Besides, my best bet is if you tell him another guy is on your case he 'll buckle up. and maybe he's not getting jealous enough…. or there's just something more. I'm done babbling.
When it comes to moving on I can write a book. I'm just coming out of a 7 year relationship that didn't work out. We had such lofty dreams about the future and all that, till family issues cropped up and ensured we go our separate ways.
Abeg abeg abeg. Life is a risk. Live your life to the fullest. You like him, why dont you just drop all the worries and go with the flow. And if you guyz dont eventually end up together, you would have at least enjoyed the time you spent together.
Half bread is better than nothing.
Plus, you dint say your age. Pls life is too short for you tnot to have some fun.
So long story short. Leave commitments for now, pretend in ur head he is your boyfriend and do everything you want to do with him.
YOLO!
OMG!!!!!!!! ms confused am exactly in ur shoes i feel like i wrote that I SWEAR! as TNC pls make a post on it, i even think is that boy i like that wrote the story cos i know i didn't write, I like him too much and he likes me too so much too and its difficulty to let go but this is what i did, he told me why he hasn't asked me out yet becos he fears things will change btw us after he does. But am willing to take the risk if at the end of the day he says he is not interested fine! life is a risk nd it continues……. ps i just came out of a 4yrs relationship
My advice to you life is a risk if you are a risk taker wait for him and be prayerful but if you are not a risk taker jejely pack your load and leave him delete everything that reminds you of him if he comes back after 2wks he loves you and pls give him time
"
Once a thing is ‘defined’ things
begin to change." Word of the week