Published on May 8th, 2012 | by Betty32
By Celestial Mail
Hello World, Betty here. Here’s a story written by Jibola Lawal (@JibolaL) Do Enjoy.
You would think that to start a letter like this, I’d have a better opener abi?
Don’t mind me jare. First off, baby, it’s soo beautiful here. It’s too beautiful. Gosh! I wish you were here.
Anyway, here’s why I’m laughing. When I came to make this unorthodox request to have this letter sent to you, I went to meet Peter. It’s only natural, seeing as he was the first person I met on my arrival. Before I began my request, I made the mistake of calling him Saint. Oh dear. The poor old man was aghast. All I could hear was his angered muttering and something about being likened to Saint Obi.
Hahahaha. Anyway the real source of laughter is this: since Steve came here he was posted to IT. Yeah mehn, I can’t believe he’s here too. You’d imagine that assholes like that wouldn’t be granted access to this place. Oh well, what do I know about these things? I’m kuku not God. Where was I? So that’s how they posted Steve to IT oh. He had them digitize everything! Now Peter doesn’t have to deal with the endless reams of celestial paper. The poor baba has muscles on his knuckles from having to search for people’s names as they wait at the gate. Now imagine my surprise when I showed up at the Pearly Gates and a white hair (and white bearded man) raised what looked like an iPad and told me to smile. I swear, I thought the SK I smoked in College had finally caught up with me. Apparently, now all he has to do is just take a picture then the iTab will search for your face in the database. They said something about using pictures, because some folks from Southern Nigeria swapping names on arrival. Lol.
Ayanfe mi, I miss you.
I miss you so bad.
If I could cry I would. But alas, they seize our tear glands once we get here. And I know you miss me too. It’s such a pain to watch you every night, crying yourself to sleep on my account. Yes, this isn’t what we planned, I’ll be honest… But even I didn’t know it would happen like this.
But you know, you this woman, you have a gift sha. Do you remember our last morning together? When you told me not to go? That I should call in sick, and just spend the day with you. How did you know that a Container was gonna fall on my car? Right now, I wish I had stayed. But, me I just thought you were just being your lovingson self (Don’t mock-scowl at me, woman!). Ah Lobatan! Peter, just said there’s nothing I coulda done about it. That, I’d probably have slipped and fallen from the stairs in the house. Speaking of which sef… you know how I stayed one more hour? With you and erhmm… hehehe… You know. Lol. Anyhow sha you’re pregnant. You haven’t missed your period yet though. Look at how these things work ehn? We’d been trying for 2 years since we married and now I won’t even be around to see his first steps. Yeah, he’s a boy o. I met him just as I was entering this zanga. Strapping young man like this. He looks so much like you, Thank God!
Sorry boo, every time I say Thank God
The angels close by blow their trumpets.
Ehen, where was I? Our son. He looks so much like you. I’m so glad. Asides the kinda pain you’d have to deal with if he looked like my spitting image, mehn I no try. Lol. He does have my parking space forehead though, and the Will Smith ears. Hehehe.
And I know you’re also worrying about how you’d get on with the baby coming. It was my fault for making you quit your job. Babe, you can sell the land in Ajah and then there’s the Life Insurance I took out. I didn’t tell you about it, cuz well you woulda thought that I was planning to die or something. But I’m so glad now I did it. Ehen and the Enwonwu painting in the Living room that I inherited from Granma, I know you said it looks like rubbish, PLEASE don’t throw it away or sell it for cheap or anything like that! Auction it off boo! Those things are worth more than a couple of cobblestones. Lol sorry. I forget you guys don’t have streets paved with gold there. Well you get the idea sha. Auction it off and meet up with Shina. He’ll know how to help you invest the money. Then my Rolex – the one Papa gave me for my 30th? – Save it for Oluwamayokun, when he turns 18. Yes, that’s what I want you to call him. Tell him good things about his father (Nothing about how I used to fart in my sleep, I hope!)
Hey now, stop crying. The idea of this letter is to give you closure, not make you cry harder. I really do want you to be happy. I’d say come here as soon as you can. But live your life to the fullest, for my sake. I want you to. And that NGO you’ve been forming for years in your head, get round to doing it joo!
I love you so much in life and over here
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