For Colored Men: Red
‘Color Me Red’ by @Cumical
————————————
It’s never what you do, but how you do it.
…And who you do it with.
…And where you do it.
…And how many people you do it with.
Have you ever had sex with two females on a rooftop?
Do you know that the ecstasy of an orgasm is only rivaled by the rush provided from a dose of uncut cocaine?
Do you have any idea how absolutely fascinating it is to f*ck and be f*cked with no feelings? Of course you do. It is common knowledge that the greatest shenanibangs are the no-strings-attached type.
Don’t look at me like that.
You know it too.
I am not crazy. You think I am? Well I’m not.
Listen, I lost my virginity when I was 13. At that age, some of you could not spell the word ‘three-some’ properly.
Who did I lose it to? The house girl… It’s always the house girl isn’t it? Well it wasn’t her.
It was me.
See I was looking for something, and I searched for it everywhere, and when I found it dripping between Emem’s legs as the sweat dripped from her skin and thrust followed thrust, I indexed the search and I never let the feeling go.
But then I never regarded that as my first. That was just target practice. So when my adopted elder sister’s friends started trooping into the house about a year later, I sent out more signals than f*cking NASA.
Don’t judge me, you fools. It’s not my fault these friends refused to play within the confines of her room. One of them just had to waltz all the way to mine and ask if I knew how to comb hair.
Comb hair…
I mean, my grandmother could think of a better excuse to get some.
This wasn’t the first time she had come to my room clad in nothing but an over-sized T-shirt and bum shorts, so what did I do after combing said hair? I f*cked her. Properly… Now this…This was my first time, because this was when I first had a female’s legs vibrating faster than a wooden dildo full of termites.
And that was simply the beginning.
I had many firsts after that. My first orgy, (one where even my ‘sister’ was present), my first anal experience, (finished all my lube), my first f*ck on the first date…
And now Hitman begins to point northwards every time a hot piece of ass walks by. And he has exquisite taste; I have to give him that. Much better than my tongue, I tell you. All puns intended.
I am not an addict.
I see you giving me that ‘yeah, right’ look. So I’ll explain.
An addict goes looking for his drug. He will leave the comfort of his home and search for some of that good white shit.
But see, I don’t ever go looking for p*ssy. The p*ssy comes to me. And I’d be damned if I ever chase it away. That’s just rude. And Mama didn’t raise no rude boy.
And so Lara, Remi, Kelechi, Mfon, Amina, Aisha, Ini, Mary, Kemi, Dami, Nkechi, Ada, Ada II, Ada (ponytail), Ada (contortionist), Ada (anal), Carey and Carla (the twins), and Jane have never met each other (except for the twins of course.. ), but have all been connected in one way or the other, by my penis…
…in the past fortnight.
My friend once told me I needed counseling and recommended a good psychiatrist, so I went for counseling. Yeah. Counseling… Best office f*ck I ever had.
Another told me I needed Jesus, so I went to the church for help, and discovered that choir mistresses have mastered the art of microphone testing…
Are there any questions?
I think the problem is that there isn’t a problem. The great Pete Edochie once said “You don’t find a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist now, do you?”
No Pete. You don’t.
Why would I stop something I thoroughly enjoy? Why would I want to stop the rush of blood to the head when she takes my member in her mouth? Why would I want to break that fusion I feel when skin connects with skin and souls collide? Why would I want to rest that urge I feel when her guards fall to the ground with her clothes and all her walls are beneath us on the kitchen floor? That feeling you get when two girls are simultaneously mopping you off, and you can’t even moan because another has her nipple down your throat, you want me to stop that?
Really? You must be Batman’s nemesis.
I remember Joanne. Met her at Ikoyi club where I usually go after work. I had seen her before, but I had never given her a second thought because of who she was. Now she was sending me more green lights than a neon logo of the hulk. The following day, I find myself taking a break from work to f*ck her in my company’s guesthouse in Lekki. Her body…damn, her body was Drake soft. She liked it rough. Not the Pull-my-hair, spank-me rough. No, more like the slap-me-real-hard, gag-me-with-your-d*ck, don’t-forget-to-call-me-your-bitch rough. And I enjoyed every minute of having full control over that body. Immediately after I had bust my fourth nut, her husband calls me to ask me where I was.
“I’m on my way boss” was my response.
Then there was Rachel. She had the most fantastic pair I had ever seen. Her boobs were so firm, actual organizations were jealous. I had never noticed that supple bosom until I took off her white gown, and Lord! She was freaky as f*ck. Merely hours after almost swallowing all nine inches of me, she said “I do” to my best friend and kissed him with those lips.
Doesn’t matter. Had sex…
I am not an addict. I’m just gifted with passions that burn bright red and never dim. I have accepted my gift, and I have totally embraced it.
I am a chick magnet, and f*ck you, I love it.
I love it every way, anyhow. Anal, oral, normal, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, 69, 66, 99, the f*cking Heimlich maneuver, the Brown Necktie, the Cop’s Delight, the Daisy Chain (those twins!), the Fish Hook, the f*cking Jedi mind trick, the Purple Mushroom, the damn Sud n’ fud!
Anyway it comes, it’s just sex. And I’m a natural.
This is what I was born to do.
“Why don’t I just get a steady girlfriend/f*ck buddy?”
Ha! Jokers… Does the soil of the rainforest provide nourishment for one plant? Does the f*cking sun shine down only on one roof? Does the ocean provide oxygen to only one f*cking croaker male?
There’s enough d*ck for everybody. And even though my entire paycheck goes to Durex, I refuse to be restrained.
Hello everyone, my name is Dayo, and I am NOT an addict.
I was born to f*ck, and I enjoy it.
*****
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Aso-Ebi: Episode 7 – Quilted Kampala →
First!
I just realised you promote this nonsense. I mean, why would you tell me 'There are no comments yet, BE THE FIRST ONE!' ?
But I love it! brb
LMAO! Yah a case!
LOL! You're in my prayers.
Baba o!!!!
Only comment I could come up with was; Toh!
i love this!! been waiting all week for @cumical's and he killed it!
Loool… The heimlich manouvre? *dies*
LOL…Likita kenan :)
At last
The post I was waiting for, Her body was Drake Soft; Lmao Ter do is a case. Great Post.
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!!!
Upside: I love the metaphors. And the puns. The taste of the d*ck and the tasting tongue. Green lights and a neon Hulk. etc etc. This piece is the stuff a sapiosexual's orgasms are made of, and my knees are still weak!
Downside: I have seen the paragraph "…her guards fall to the ground with her clothes and all her walls are beneath us on the kitchen floor? … you can’t even moan because another has her nipple down your throat…" before. Recycle waste, not awesome literature.
WHO STOLE MY PUNS!!!!???
*sigh*™
This was part of the extract. Maybe that's why it looks like you've seen it before?
Puns all over the place! I like that.
And the metaphors. Damn! Every rappers dream.
*sigh* *mops sweat* please who has Dayo’s number? I need to get me some. ^_^ This is not fair. And its not even noon yet! Grey and Red! Awesome :D
No numbers. ( ˘˘̯)
only pictures (˘̯˘ )
Aunty …seeing as you like the sexual posts, it's safe to say that um…*MTN disconnects*
This dude is gonna catch an STD or AIDS and die! lonely!! At least to him he lived 'happily ever after'. I love it! Enjoyed the play on words a lot.
But he spends a fortune on condoms.
So hopefully…he'll survive.
Hopefully…
Nah… I'm sorry, but you my friend, are finished. "discovered that choir mistresses have mastered the art of microphone testing…" TF??
And I'm referring to Terdoh, not the character in the story. -___-
First of all, LOL!
Second, somebody please write Terdoh an epilogue. He is finished.
Third, This is interesting, even beyond the puns/jokes/humor.
I'm still trying to decide if this is an addict in denial or not. How much sex is too much sex? Who can really answer that question objectively? Everyone has different tastes and tolerances for food, sleep, alcohol, praise, work, talking… so why not sex?
I mean…
Are you kidding? Did you see all those names? 19 women in 2 weeks! Yes I went back to count. Definitely an addict in denial.
Great Post.
I don’t even know what to say. Whoever wrote this post did a…
Wait.
Oh. Okay. Yeah.
Thanks guys. Wash me well oh. Wash me.
Olodo!
Erh…hi,Terdoh..I'm Ugo…how do I get in touch with Dayo pls? I have an important message for him :D
Ah
Fuck.
Holy Fuck.
Damn. What the actual fuck?
What the fuck is this?
This is the best fucking post ever!
That's what.
We see you, Mr Freak. We see you.
-_-
LIKE!!!
Hey baby.
Freak…
¬_¬
^_^….im so ecstatic about this particular post. probably because i feel the same way *look away*.
humor is on point had me laughing for a while….
great post and the imagery it invokes is so amazing.!!!!
Hello there….
Freak.
Freak bot
>_<
Am I d only one that imagined ths guy speaking at a sex addicts meetin and makin all of them shout Amen? LMAO. This is good. But I still think es having too much sex sha. Will catch smfin.
Lol.
I tot i saw purple hibiscus.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
One word; Wow.
'The great Pete Edochie'… "Her boobs were so firm,
actual organizations were jealous." «« LOL
You aren't an addict? Right! Mama raised no rude boy.
As in.
Somebody should send the link for this post to MI. Or SinaRambo.
SinaRambo won't even recognise the metaphors when he sees them :(
Oh my…
Oh my…
Why, hello Dayo ;)
When i grow up
Ode Number 1
What better person to write this than Terdoh?
Where’s the red Perv Terd?
Present ma. :)
RRRRRRRAH!
At the "…in the past fortnight." line, my eyes went O_O
Please get help. For hitman's sake.
She swallowed all 9 inches of me and said I do to my best friend and kissed him with those lips. Jeez! *processing info…………….. * error comprehending. Sex is awesome no doubt. But when der are no limits n we start stabbing loved ones n defying boundaries then u av lost ur human nature. There's some void in u and pussy as much as waterfall will not fill it up.
See the thing is, to him, it's just sex. It's just an exchange of bodily fluids and a flurry of colours.
There are no feelings involved. No emotions. No strings attached. All he cares about is that at least one party leaves satisfied. Preferably him.
So from his angle, he's not stabbing anyone, and he has no boundaries. Since it's just physical, nobody leaves with guilt or hurt.
Does this make sense?
LOL!!! I like. Found it very amusing.
All i wanna know is where is @TheToolsman?
err.. you called?
Shenanibangs….. my favorite word in the entire post. :D
Great puns and metaphors as per usual for Terdoh.
Great post all in all.
I'ld be damned…you r good….got wet reading this probably because I haven't had sex in a while….need to meet you if u exist
Tokunbo?
Set it.
LOL!
LMAO
God punish you.
Ha Terdoh u must not dull!
As for the post, Great Job Tee as in GREEEEEAAAAT job. I loved every bit of it.
Kept me thoroughly entertaind thruout
I'm almost ashamed to say I read this.
Terdoh…..Pervert.
Bye.
Just as a matter or announcement, we are launching the TNC record label and our headline artist is going to be a rapper that goes by the name: CUMical. Hope we'll get your support.
PS: He'll be performing at #TNC4, you wont want to miss it.. –___–
Sounds like a great idea for a label though.
*raises hendzz* Hypeman here…
You best fall the entire way back, bruv.
TNC's probably gonna be the next big Nigerian Empire…….
Amen …
Seeing as I'll be performing, can a nigga get paid yo?
erm.. it's all for the fam.. for the fam -___-
Im still sulking!
rearrange the date dammit!
I can't believe no one else has noticed what I did. But because the Terd has begged me to be quiet, and because he's my little munchkin, I'm just going to wait for it to hit someone else.
Besides that, all this post has done is remind me how desperately horny I am. And I hate you, Terdoo, for this.
Oh please please please, do tell!
Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Huhu! Cherry on top what exactly? :D
On top wherever you want it to be. I'm flexible like that! *wink*
*sigh*™
Please?
Just say what u did jare
*does sign of the cross*
Say what?!…
*drinks water*
ok my comment….all I can say is bravo! loved it!…and your use of words is a total mind f*ck…i agree with Tiki, this is definitely a sapiosexual's orgasmic experience..
'the f*cking Heimlich maneuver, the Brown Necktie, the Cop’s Delight, the Daisy Chain (those twins!), the Fish Hook, the f*cking Jedi mind trick, the Purple Mushroom, the damn Sud n’ fud!'
are any of these in the friggin kamasutra sef?
More importantly, is Terdoh available for a demonstration? That Heimlich thing sounds…deliciously breathtaking.
Tokunbo, will you handle this one?
You're my lecturer after all.
:)
I prefer the student – usually more eager to please.
I created a monster…
"But see, I don’t ever go looking for p*ssy. The p*ssy comes to me. And I’d be damned if I ever chase it away. That’s just rude. And Mama didn’t raise no rude boy."
LMAO!!! Anoda good one guys.
This has become an obsession for me and you guys better not stop!!!
There are still many colours to be explored: violet, indigo, orange, turquoise, cyan, mauve, brown, beige, cream, tangerine, peach, lilac etc… I need stories on all these colours. *wipes sweat*
Ok, we get it. You are an interior decorator. :-)
Haha!
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
#dead
Haha! Pure evil.
lol…… so #
LMAO!!!
LMAO…..tiki ti yama l'oto
Pahaha! Pure evus!!
What makes it even worse is I wrote on at least 3 of the colours she mentioned… :'(
oh no!
I’ve had a smile on my face all through reading this post and its not the good kind..
Ah, your lips curved upward ey?
Lovely.
He slept with 20 girls in 2 weeks? He myt nt have a problem, but he doesn’t have a life either. Who has time for all of that?
Vacation! (•ˆ⌣ˆ•)
Colored-Men-Red / WetFridays combo toh Lobatan.
Oga Toolz, killing 2 birds with 1 stone eh?
LOBATAN!!!!!!
This post just shook up the entire series, something like an earthquake or tornado. The wordplay was extremely breath-taking and I know sone nigga whose heart beat was getting faster while reading this.
This sentence just killed it for me tho….."I lost my virginity when I was 13. At that age, some of you could not spell the word ‘three-some’ properly."
However, I'm too sure I could spell it at 13!
Great Post….For Colored Men has been great!
Ha! *mouth open throughout post*
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!! The 66? The Jedi Mind Trick? How does one perform the Purple Mushroom?!! I need to know these things Please. Terdoo you are a Prayer point. Just incase you didn’t know. Awesome post :-D
Ada, Ada II, Ada (anal), Ada (contortionist)…oh well
Ha! *mouth open throughout post*
You know after reading all this comments….
All I can say is…..
*smh* I'll just go ahead and read again.
*sigh*
Crazy dude.
Terdoo. Freak.
Enter text right here!
PSYCHE……Nothing here!
Move along.
I'm sorry are you annoyed?
I still stand by what I said, Terdoo Great post
Uncle Saka, I liked some other stories too. ¬_¬ Yes, I loved Pink. So yeah, Red, Pink and Grey. (Complete your sentence oh)
Terdoo, whose pictures? ¬_¬
I still gotta meat Dayo ^.^ (and yes meat not meet (˘̯˘ ) )
oh dear
does Dayo give tutorials?
Can Jesus still save this one? I doubt it sha.
Ewwwwwww!!!
Ok, that was my initial reaction. Terdoh didn’t disappoint me. I was soooo expecting this!
Oh! And btw, that line from “I just had sex” song! Coolies!!!
Found myself swallowing at intervals while reading this..
Dear FWB,I see u're here already..pls note some of the styles mentioned n learn 'em..we gotta hook up,soon. ;)
Easily my fav story in this series so far!
*fans self vigorously*
*Hello Babe* clears throat
What???
She's doing you too?'
"Too"??? Hian!!!
Erh…who r u???
(//_o)
speechless is d word
and u insist u r not an addict… SmhA
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Interesting.
I found 'Red' too juvenile for me to enjoy. All I see is a 'boy' not a man, who's discovering pussy and freedom for the first time. Possibly a boy trapped in a man's body. An identity crisis. However, the creativity in the writing is apparent.
I compare 'Red' to 'Grey' and the difference is clear. Man vs Boy.
This is not the way to start the weekend, i really must have me some… Oh boy!! Awesome post.
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Definitely an interesting post, In some ways I might want to be like this character when I "grow up" although I m more of a serial monogamist.
Nobody got the Batman nemesis (Joker) pun. I'm miffed. :(
Went over my head Cos Batman has many enemies
Twas too obvious… Nobody likes to be the villain… or that captain…
that was an easy one!
We were concentrating on the sex. Reason for which I'm back here 5 weeks later.
Reads like the DMX girl count in what these bit*hes want from a Ni**a!
There is one thing we tend to get wrong in this side of the world sex is sex….a shag is a shag, so far its consensual then were all good.(yes Im morally indifferent to what anyone views as their problem).
Everyone needs a good rogering, every woman deserves an explosion in her system and in order to get some you got to give some, lick, work it, move around, try a new model (women and men come in different shapes and sizes), work with a new style…play your part!
This has been a public service announcement by someone who gives a fuck!
PS: This has probably been the most commented entry since this series started….or am I wrong tools?
Spot on.
Too many twisted people. Well alright then. First writer to post a couple of positions i am not aware of nor tried. Time to get up to speed.
Beyond that, lovely write up, the conviction in the character is beyond that of an addict. This is a movement. Martin Luther 4king.
Okay….Martin Luther 4King?
That is just crazy.
How did you think of that.
Wow.
Meet my bro Bigfoot. He crazy like that. Oh and Eze don't lemme start with you, positions you haven't tried indeed. (˘̯˘ ) Just saying, I know things…
Shane/Hank Moody-like character. Nice.
I liked the story. Minus the puns. They were too many. Took away from the “seriousness” of the post.
:( I don’t want this series to end. :(
Damn! Whew *fans self*
Smashingly Pervert-ish read…D puns intended & D play on words…(Y)
Now i'm back here… Y? No idea
Nice one Terdoh!
Thanks! (?????)
my favourite colour! n i love its story!
OMG!! This was too fucking hilarious. And the play on words!!! ^.^ I must say that you’ve got a sick, twisted mind… I fucking love it!!! Good one, Terdoh. *whispers* could you please send me Dayo’s number?
Hw much sex is too much sex,wen does sex bcom an addiction,I'l luv dis piece..erotica
Pls where is dayo..I nid tutorials
20 girls in 2 weeks? Shii…well thats nothing. Some change em faster than flat tires or get more butts than toilet seats ^_^. On the real though, you need all the help you can get.
And the wordplay as always..is ON POINT.
W0W! Well wat can I say. There’s no diff ‘twn a man n a boy jezzz he’s got 9 inches wat does dat tell ya dude? Boy or man he don did ‘em n they didn’t call him a boy. Nuff said. Wonderful piece. Buuuh it takes a lot more to get me there doe.
*smiling n chuckling* Fakin Super than a well stocked,affordable market! Shenanibangs! since there are so many horny people, there should be an open/closed marketplace of ideas where they all ''share'" na…justsaying^ Terd is ill wit the word. u heard?
Five weeks later, and this still makes my muscles clench? Wow.
You're welcome. :*
Ten weeks later and I still came back to read this for the hundredth time…..
I read it once
It doesn't inspire a second read
But i guess you sound honest and sincere.