“Dear Efe, Am I A Slut…….?”
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Hi Efe,
Okay, the thing is I have a boyfriend. We’ve been friends for about 2
and a half years now. We just started going out in November last
year(about 4 months now). Before we started going out, we were already
kissing, basically we did everything together. Most of our friends
thought we were going out already, before we made it official. When he
asked me out the first time I said no, because I felt I would start
nagging him, and he would end up resenting me. I liked the open
relationship better, because I felt I wouldn’t get hurt. But then I
realized I didn’t want to lose him.
Well, the thing is I have issues with trust. My guy likes to party a
lot!! Now I’m not in to parties. But most of the time he invites me,
and I make an effort to go. But I dont really dance and all. I feel
insecure too. He tells me he loves me and I try my best to believe
him. But I dont know anymore.
Recently he has stopped talking to me. Before we could spend hours on
the phone talking. But now we just say hi, and that’s it. There’s
nothing to say. And I really don’t know why. Whenever we talk I feel
like I’m disturbing him. I really don’t want to lose him. Do you think
there’s anything I can do? Could you suggest activities that would
spice up our relationship? Do you think he is still in love with me?
Thanks.
InLoveWithHim
Hello InLoveWithHim,
It appears to me that the issue is with you not your boyfriend or any guy you might be dating or have dated. The first step towards solving any problem is recognizing that a problem actually exists.
You’ve rightly pointed out that you feel insecure, I think you will need to find the source of insecurity. What do you think could be the reason for your insecurity?
He is probably still in love with you but it is very likely that your insecurity is driving a wedge between the two of you. I have included 3 links I think you might find useful. It is important to deal with this issue now cos insecurity can be very damaging to the important relationships in our lives.
Please let me know if I have been of any help. Do not hesitate if you have more questions.
- Efe.
Hi Efe,
Meant to send this long ago but I was just embarrassed at what might be
thought of ♏ƺ,but I figured: what the hell!thr’s no harm here.
So here goes: I’m in my late 20s,”nice enough” girl n I’ve bn told over n
over again how I’m every “correct” guy’s dream girl/wife/mother of his
kids,yada yada,yada…
You see,the thing is I don’t feel like that sometimes…I happen to love
more than one guy,for different reasons,and thr’s a guy with whom I have d
most amazing convos + chemistry n whom I have every intention of shagging
if we do hook up cz I think d sex will be amazing… I’m d typical “lady on d streets,freak in d bed” sort…so I feel very
dishonest when ppl go on about how “good n proper n all” I am…thr’s a
whole lot more to this,but maybe later…
So,am I a slut???
- Ruby.
Hello Ruby,
Your email made me smile :DYou are not a slut….I am not even sure I believe that anybody is really a slut after all the very idea of sluttiness is highly subjective.
Who says an ideal girlfriend/wife/mother can’t be wild and be as freaky at they come when it comes to sex?
Sex and sexual fulfillment is a personal thing and should be compartmentalized from other facets of our lives. Just the same way being a religious person does not translate into being a good parent.Depending on the openness of the guy, your freakiness could be an advantage or disadvantage to your relationship.
Can you imagine, I have heard such things as guys saying ” a girl who wears thongs/G string is slutty”……and I am thinking to myself, like seriously??
I am no expert but I know that chemistry can be deceiving, not everybody with whom we have great chemistry is great sexually. No intention to burst your bubble, just hinting that expectations doesn’t always equal reality.You’re not being pretentious if people see you as a prim and proper girl. If that is what you are, then that is what you are.
What you do in private is your business and the business of whomever you choose to do it with. It by no means you are fake.
Your inner you is separate & distinct from your outer you. I happen to know a lot of people who are on top of thier game as per career, education,relationship yet get up to very freaky stuff one they are in thier comfort zone with their inner circle of friends. Dunno if you live in Nigeria but it is a very Nigerian behaviour to judge people who do not act/behave in a prescribed moral way. In my opinion, it is all crap! As long as morality continues to remain subjective, then there is no good orbad behavior. Behaviors are just different from one another, quite simple.
Efe
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Hello everyone, please use the comment box and give some advice or share our own experience.
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About the Author
Efe_Ogaren I am in my late twenties and happily married with an academic background in Economics, Psychology & Finance. My professional experience is in Management Consulting & I enjoy being outdoors, volunteering and observing social interactions between people.
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I am Ruby! As much as I believe in the subjectivity of morals, there is always the 'reasonable man's test'. I have intense sexual fantasies and highly graphic imagination mostly geared towards sex but I'm a 'good' girl. Were I to agree with U that there is no good or bad, would living out my fantasies not caring what people think and expect of me be ok?
I struggle with a dual personality. A 'church girl' and a 'stripper'. I wanna fuck and I wanna pray. I keep losing the struggle to the former and I aint no slut?
I feel like inception…a deception within a deception…I know I introduced myself as Ruby, U can also call me Confused
There has 2 be a line somewhere…I can't see it…
this sounds a lot like someone i used 2 know…
don't know her anymore tho so…*shrug*
Oh yeah. U do know her. As to not knowing her anymore, whose fault is that? *shrug*
I'm gonna ignore the obvious implication cos I really don't have time for this. *rme*
Simple solution. You need to get married. To me.
Of course that would be your solution. Smh*
Sex is but a part of the whole. Do U think that'll be a viable solution?
Ms Am i a Slut…i guess u r one in the making *holds laff*
Well, i'm of d opinion if u have a lot of sexual tots it's cos eida u watch porn, u have friends who talk about sex a lot or u fantasize a lot about sex. Neither of this will help and with appropriate conditions, u will become a confirmed slut.
What u r is based on choices u make…so try make ones u won't regret.
Ms. InLuvWithHim
God help u solving ur issues, cos there's only so much a guy can take or do to/for a girl with insecurity drama. U need to value urself, know who u are in God. Know u r special, u r unique, u r designed for a purpose, ur worth is not based on what u wear, who u know, how much u have, how skinny u are, or on whether u've got big boos and/or ass. Learn that u r worth more than money can pay for.
Buy books that deal on such issues, there r some by Max Lucado but can't remember the name.
Deal with ur issues before they deal with u.
God bless u!
This comment is liked.
Okay…I can safely say I certainly know who Ruby is…told her d same thing Efe said tho…she’s not a slut jor…
*certainly
I think we compromise the anonymity of letters when we go "I know who this person is…"
Noted,dear Sir L.H.
You say get married as though spouses abound on d streets, waiting to be picked. Plus really, how is marriage the solution? Does it then mean as long as Ruby is not married she can do nothing but live with it?
Hi Ruby,
You are not near S in a SLUT. The fantasies you have expressed goes on in the mind of every male and female be it young and old. What makes you feel guilty is because you have good morals and a great upbringing. You feel convicted when you think wild and weird because you know the truth.
As a dude, I can not ask a lady out if I have not pictured the Communication, Committment and Communion. The challenge I have with you is that you have not experience in most of these things. They are pure fantasies. Your perspective will change with time. You need to satisfy your curiosity. Babe you will get tired. A lot of things form our perception on these things. They include Friends, Porn, Books, TV, Celebrity Lifestyles etc. Those things are not real. Even for the real part of the deal. Its just a bad habit. Do not lay your perception on what people say, Ladies can lie, Guys can so so so Lie.
I have satisfied my curiosity. I have tested my limits. I have indulged my masculinity. I have done it using everything, anywhere and every part of my body. I have handled both the bootylicious and otherwise down to A Cups to DD. To this end, I quit the game. It was not really worth it. The experience lives with me and the fantasies are now meant for my wife ( I do not know where she is but God knows). You can have the best of both worlds being a christian and living a good life. Life is not contained in all these things.
Regards.
Awww sheeet….ds Oluseye's guys comments alwz gets to me…talk about maturity & experience speakin
I'm startn to fink hez bn good & den bad & den good again…
Ruby I feel u cos in some ways I am u…but if therez one tin I pretty much know…it is that I ain't a slut…
Labels are subjective…mostly a matter of pple's perspective…
Find urself…test ur limits…if need be sow ur oats…jes pray d world dsnt end while ur at it & neva do sumfin u really ain't ready for…
You had to go through all the cups to be satiated. I am still thirsty. How exactly can one avoid sexual thought triggers without being a reclusive hermit? How can I quell the desire to have sex with someone I do not want to date? Yes I've heard read books and pray but hey…
Yes, I do not indulge in d fantasies because there's that 'still small voice' but I'm trapped in my thoughts' my desires are hinged leaving me in a frustrated sex crazed zone….*shrug*
I loved your comment tho
When growing up as a child. We want to have every toy our friends have. At a stage in life we just realise that its not everything we want that we need.
You do not need these things. You will regret them. But If you want to do them, you are a lady you can hook a guy of your choice for fun without him knowing. You will size him up and then discover these things are pure fantasies.
Come out of the cage! Live life. I am trying to be good guy now, I go clubbing without boozing or bazzing. I do karaoke. I do Salsa. I am an hopeless romantic really. I am very likeable once you get to know me. I am not flamboyant. I am doing good in all spheres
I wish I could help you to discover yourself through this phase. You do not need to have sex to be free from these thoughts.
Are you working? Are you an Islander?
What then do I need to do? That's been d question all along. Yes I try to live life but then…that's even a story 4 another day. D struggle is real! And it's killing! And no, I'm not an islander!
How I wish I can invite you to Church. I have been through these things at a point in my life. You need to align your thoughts with the Spirit. I can sense that you do not really want these things but there is an inordinate urge to have them.
I know you are guided and knowledgeable in the things of the spirit. God is all you need sister. You are not a bad babe, you are just not giving yourself a chance. Is there a way we can communicate?
We can deal with it using effectual fervent prayer in the Spirit and renewing our minds. To pull down the stronghold of the love of sex, you need to have revelation of knowledge of the fact that in the presence of God, you have fullness of joy which is strength (Neh. 8:10) to overcome the temptation for sex and pleasures for evermore which are greater pleasures than the temporary pleasure of the sin (Heb. 11:25) of sex.
As this truth gains ascendancy over your will, mind, emotions and body, you will no longer be attracted by the pleasure of sex outside the will of God: marriage; as you will have something far better in the presence of God. Of course you can still enjoy sex richly in a marriage relationship, but you will no longer have an inordinate desire for sex outside the will of God. Psalms 16:11 KJV: Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
As we renew our minds with the revelation knowledge of these scriptures backed with praying in the Spirit with all types of prayer (Eph. 6:12-18) including travail we will pull down the stronghold and simultaneously replace them with the divine strongholds of life and purity.
I wish I could reach you via any means of communication just to support you and share my experiences with you. You need to have people that share your belief around you and can admonish you in the faith.
jademkash@yahoo.com
Pretty interesting comments here. From the blantantly "false humility" of oluseye to the condescending/ derogatory comments from badoski & NaijaNinja.
Regret of an action is a personal emotion and has nothing to do with society labels a behaviour or act 'bad' Case in point, not every murderer has been known to actually regret thier action.
I see how it is the guys who are quick to objectify the word 'slut'. Ironic isn't it? It is quite cool to explore as guy from A cups to D cups, in search of that girl who can gives us the most wholesome sexual experience & fulfilment. And then we move her and dump her. The unspoken sentiment is "she is THE SLUT, only good enough to experiment with but never one to be dated and married".
I don't believe in the easy definition of the word slut lest almost everyone of us will be objectified as such. Afterall, unless you are married aren't you a slut for simply engaging in pre marital sex & all? In the eyes of the church how many of us will not be counted as sluts?
Naaaaa, to each his own, there are no rights or wrongs. Do not force your values & standards on somebody else. It is easy to appear right,smart, moral & intelligent when you easily make the other person feel guilty for thier actions.
Not good enough, not good.
Couldn't have been more succinctly put Lagos Hunter. However I do feel one cannot exist in a society without a label and a society has a way of influencing one's personal emotions. Thus, regret of an action cannot wholy be a personal thing. Case in point, a woman with exposed cleavage in d 50s was seen as immoral. Now, it's d norm. There always is the 'reasonable man's test'. The society defines and in d process, judges, we decide whether we'll let that definition inhibit us or we live as though there were no right or wrong…
Ruby wrote 4 advice. What she decides 2 do after this will be influenced by ur comments formed from ur opinion gotten 4rm ur experience… so U see…
My point is, there's always a line. Morality is not solely subjective. It is what we experience in our society that inadvertently shapes us so we cannot exactly ignore what it says. While I'm not promoting succumbing to the dictates of society, I do not believe one can totally ignore its voice