Too Fat For Love?
I have a male friend I’ve known several years. He’s a player. Always has been and I fear he always will be. I introduced him to a friend, Bimbo, who was interested in him. I warned her he’s a player; she said she didn’t mind.
A month later I learned another close friend, susan, was involved with him, but it was nothing serious. He expressed interest in both of them and said they both knew he didn’t want anything serious. One did not even know about the other. Then Bimbo found a boyfriend and stopped seeing him.
Susan continued to see him, and it got serious although he never admitted it. In the past few months Bimbo started drifting back to him & he decided he wanted to be with her, but he told Susan he wasn’t dating anyone else. I felt something was going on but wasn’t sure until I confronted him.
I was stuck in the middle. I told him I would tell both chicks and I did. He started vexing with me bbcos both ladies have disowned him and he is now saying it is my fault and he has stopped talking to me.
My two friends were grateful, or so I thought, for letting them know what was going on. Now one friend decides I should have told her sooner. She says I betrayed her. She has stopped talking to me. It’s difficult as we have the same group of friends. What did I do wrong?
S
S, do you think a woman’s sexuality should be used as a plaything by a man?
What is a player? A man who plays with women’s affections. What are the elements of play in this game? There are two: being involved with multiple women, while concealing that fact, and giving each the illusion there could be more for them, in order to get more for himself.
Both you and this guy know a player uses a woman’s nature against her. The player says he’s not offering a relationship, but once he is intimate with a woman, she feels it must be a relationship. No woman wants to be a party girl. It’s not in a woman’s nature to want to be used.
You’re around a man you know uses women. We are known by the company we keep. You kept company with a man who uses and abuses women. Whether you wanted to or not, you vouched for him with your friends. You helped them believe he was all right because he was your friend.
It’s as if you introduced a burglar to your girlfriends, and he burglarized their houses. Where’s the surprise? You knew his nature and made your friends vulnerable to him. I think you should apologize to your girlfriends.
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My friend Annabel is a caterer. We met during our NYSC and hit it off as girlfriends. The problem for me is the vast majority of our conversation centered around Anna and her life, particularly as it related to men. My opinion or what is going on in my life are never listened to and when anything I disagree with her, usually leads to a ‘quarrel’.
Some months back, I organised for her to cater at friend’s birthday party as a way of helping her business and everybody complained about her food and the service.
Last week, Annabel sent me a message that I should try and see if she can be the caterer at my sister’s wedding in May. How do I tell her I can’t recommend her without sounding bitter? MizzEll
Mizzell, in this your situation truthfulness is more important than politeness. Politeness will get you more of what you don’t want more of.
Annabel doesn’t take criticism, or the truth, well. Giving Annabel what she wants makes you a co-conspirator with her, and that is an dishonesty you cannot live with.
Tell Anne reviews of her catering isn’t good enough for you to recommend her. If she takes offense, she is taking offense to the truth.
- Efe
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Hi efe , been dating the most amazing guy for about 2 years,and engaged for 1 year, He’s great and loves me pieces. So we started trying to fix a period for our wedding seeing as the engagement has gone on for long enough and he tells me that I’m too fat and he doesn’t think he can marry me because of weight as he feels that i would continue to get bigger. I tried telling him that I’m working on the weight but it’s not easy but he feels I’m too comfortable with my weight and so I’m not interested in losing it. I’m a size 18, about 5foot 9. I’m very attractive and i dress and carry myself well.I’m ashamed and hurt. I thought he loved me unconditionally. The whole situation is depressing me further and I’m probably eating a whole lot more than usual.I would like to lose weight for him because i love him but at the same time, i wonder why he feels the need to run and dictate my life. And i worry that during pregnancy and childbirth, where i would
actually put on weight, how would he feel about me then. I’m confused.I need your thoughts and possible weight loss tips -Mimi
Hello Mimi,
Here are my thoughts, your boyfriend has developed cold feet after one year of being engaged to you and he is now looking for an easy way out.
I doubt if you became a size 18 in the 2 years he has known you. Sorry, read the handwriting on the wall and move on. No amount of weight loss will get you what you want. You’ve described yourself as one who is assertive & confident, capitalize on these strong qualities and move on. You have no business worrying about your weight and if the guy you are going to spend the rest of your life with is ready to accept your that way. And of course, you do not need a man who will make you feel guilty for adding weight for giving birth to his children.
-Efe
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Hello everyone, welcome to another Saturday of sharing.
As usual, please use the comment box and give some advice or share our own experience.
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As always, any email sent to saturdayconvos@thenakedconvos.com asking questions or sharing a secret will be treated discretely and only published as anonymous. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
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About the Author
Efe_Ogaren I am in my late twenties and happily married with an academic background in Economics, Psychology & Finance. My professional experience is in Management Consulting & I enjoy being outdoors, volunteering and observing social interactions between people.
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Mimi, as Efe rightly said, I think your boyfriend might be developing cold feet. On the other hand, the world is changing, most boys feel the need to have a petite or slim girlfriend as they deem them ‘More Presentable’ to their friends and peers. Losing weight is not such a bad idea and I feel becoming slimmer would actually boost your confidence. You can’t deny you might have actually felt a pang of jealousy when you see read/watch fashion shows and see all those really slim girls. Have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend and share your concerns and insecurities with him.
@S. Your player friend is in one word, a bastard-excuse my french-and i think your friends should actually be grateful you told them!
@Mimi it may be cold feet or not, i don't know. But i'll advice you lose weight. At least try and get down to a size 14 if possible. Just don't do it for your boyfriend's sake. Do it for you. Do it because it'll be good for your heart and other vital organs. And like Alex said, talk to your boyfriend about everything. And know this even if both of you part ways, 'there's someone out there who wants exactly what you have to offer'. Ciao.
Sorry for the epistle x_x
5"9 size 18. Dats huge ohhhh. Ezinne z right ohh. Its def not healthy. Do it 4 u not man, and who knows ur man or def anoda will beckon. Plus, cold feet is not a crime. If he likes u, he'll come around wen he realizes his loss. It'll b ur call or take him bac or not.
Rememba – food is not ur friend. 5"9 size 18. Dats huge ohh.
Wait. I jus asked and size 18 is not bad now!!! Hawt Ruki is 18 and she is super sexy. So if he is freakin out @ dis size, den he is shallow or did u go from a 10 to 18 during the relationship???
1. Okay, I have to disagree strongly with Efe in the case of S. S introduced Bimbo because Bimbo wanted it despite the fact that she had been warned against his nature. Sometimes people want what's bad for them and no amount of convincing can change their minds except they find out for themselves, it's human nature. The second friend, Susan, she had nothing to do with. maybe she should have told them sooner but I doubt it would have changed the outcome. she did well to tell them eventually and they should realise this and be grateful and stop being babies. When you play wit fire, you get burnt and when you do get burnt, the last person that should be blamed should be the one that told you "that is fire, it burns".
2. @Mizzell, I know that kind of friend, the Annabel girl, they always hype their tiny little achievements and try to downplay your obviously bigger ones. You should tell her the truth and if she gets angry and de-friends you, you 'll be surprised at how much freer you'll be. Of course the other option would be to keep quiet and ruin your sister's wedding.
3. Mimi, If you're going to lose weight, do it for yourself. I don't think your boy developed cold feet, people develop cold feet everyday, they go through with it anyway. I think the dude was just leading you on all this while. My advice, leave him. If you end up with him you're setting yourself up for some serious marital drama, but if you don't mind, eh!
Size 18 is big and defn not healthy.
U need to work on yourself for yourself and not even for your guy.
I know people that lose weight in pregnncy but are yiu sure you are one of those?
Ur man might be getting cold feet indeed. Speak with him and ask when your weight started becoming a problem.
But please, work on your weight for your health
Jesus Mary and Joseph! Fat is a problem, ugly is a problem, stupid is a problem. Do you see anyone asking their gf/fiancée to go have plastic surgery done, or pass SATs as a condition to get married?
S, your friends are a bunch of selfish people using you as their dating database/emotional trash can. You told the truth when you had all the facts, not on the basis of rumours or when you weren't sure. Please do not seek to rekindle the flame of friendship with them, as such grudges usually never go away.
MizzEll, how would you feel if your sister recommended poor service to you so the service provider could make a qick buck off you and ruin your wedding day? Now is when to show your loyalty. It'll be easy to say 'I'm sorry, my sister already picked out someone else', but it won't help your friend. Be a friend and point out where she needs to improve. If she can't take your constructive loving criticism, she's looking for a yes-woman, not a friend. Beat it.
Mimi,this feels weird coz I'm a size 18 and tall and my nickname is Mimi too! However it also means I can totally relate to what you are going through. From one 'orobo' to another, I think your fiancé's behaviour sucks – that is a very hurtful argument to use after 2 years, except you put on all the weight recently. Please resist the urge to be depressed, and start distancing yourself from him. Anyone who tries to browbeat you into doing something is a manipulator, and it will only get worse.