Friend Zoned
Yo, There is a girl I consider my closest friend in the world. Over the last three years we have gotten to spend a lot of time together and had our drama.
Last year I admitted I had feelings for her. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel the same way. We managed to work through it, and now she’s been in a relationship with a guy for a few months. I have been very supportive of that relationship, and she and I are comfortable where we are as friends.
What I don’t understand is why she gets mad at me if people see us out in public and assume we are setting P. I tell her it doesn’t matter what others think. As long as we know what we are and are not.
But she doesn’t feel that way. If someone assumes we are in a relationship, it really bothers her. However, it’s not my fault what other people think, especially when I’m not the one spreading false rumors and I don’t think I need to go up to everyone and tell them we aren’t dating.
Instead of my friend to laugh it off, this causes arguments between us. I care for her very much, but I can’t put up with this anymore. What do you think the problem is?
Popeye
Hello Popeye,
How can she believe you want her to have a successful relationship with someone else, when you wanted a relationship with her? You destroyed the fantasy that you guys were just friends, and she finds it offensive anyone should think she is dating you.
When you wanted to go from longtime friend to lover, you should have first asked yourself one question. Does she treat me like a man, or like a girlfriend and one of her confidantes? That’s a harsh question, but it explains why she rejected you.
Maybe she is uncomfortable because you like her in a way she doesn’t want. Maybe she is afraid what her boyfriend might think. Maybe she wants others to see her with a different type of man. Maybe, if you examine your feelings more closely, you will realize you became friends with her because you wanted more.
Telling her you liked her ruined the relationship. Once you told her, the relationship was either going forward, or it was going to end.
Efe
My boo’s sister has been unfaithful to her boyfriend for a couple of years. She made no secret about it to us and others, and then her boyfriend started suspecting. The thing is we are all friends, we went to school together and hang out a lot. I told her if her guy ever asked me questions, I would be honest. I refuse to lie for someone who is cheating.
Well, her bpyfriend finally asked me if I knew what she was up to. I told him everything. He then called his girlfriend and confronted her. He told her who told him, this was something I didn’t expect. She immediately pinged me and wanted to know if I was the one who gave him the info.
I was shocked when I realized I was caught in the middle. I told her, “No, not me” Later I told my boyfriend what I had done. He was surprised, but when I reminded him we told his sister we would not lie if her boyfriend asked questions, he seemed to understand.
The problem: everything seemed to cool down for a while but later I noticed this girl started acting cold towards me, when I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he said she probably still thinks I snitched her out.
Three months later my boyfriend comes again and tells me he told his sister I did, in fact, snitch on her. I’m like what the fuck? Right? I feel I can’t trust my boyfriend. We always had a “tell each other everything” relationship, but I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel he chose his sister over me. I think that’s wrong. Efe, can you help me sort this out?
OneYoruba girl
Hello OneYoruba girl,
When this chick confronted you, you had a split second to decide what to do, and you made the wrong decision. Your original decision, to tell the truth if confronted, was the right one. Otherwise you become an accomplice to cheating.
Having decided to tell the truth, you should have continued to tell the truth. What you failed to realize was one day you would have to stand up tp this girl. Your boyfriend actually followed the rule you both set up: if asked, tell the truth. The only person who didn’t is you.
Don’t expect a positive relationship with this chick. She doesn’t treat her boyfriend with respect. Don’t let her actions come between you and your guy. He followed the path of honesty. He understood what you did in spite of his close connection to his sister. Understand what he did in spite of his close connection to you.
Efe
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Hello everyone, please use the comment box and give some advice or share our own experience.
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As always, any email sent to saturdayconvos@thenakedconvos.com asking questions or sharing a secret will be treated discretely and only published as anonymous.Enjoy the rest of your weekend
About the Author
Efe_Ogaren I am in my late twenties and happily married with an academic background in Economics, Psychology & Finance. My professional experience is in Management Consulting & I enjoy being outdoors, volunteering and observing social interactions between people.
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Hmmm
One yoruba girl: AMEBO… And u r even a coward, wat is ur biz with anoda persons relationship… And den u expect ur bf 2 also b a coward like u. I personally bliv in mind ur biz tingy
Palava! That friend zone story though! Popeye had better lv the girl n go look for a girlfriend n apparently he's being frnds with her is just for his selfish interest, bro let a sister be. Girls shld learn to hold their grounds, dnt keep a guy as friend if u can't bare what people would say about y'all n moreover he aint your bro, pls free him.
Dis friend zone ish differ… I av friends who asked me out, and we discussed my stand… We r still great friends, and there r even "toasters" dat ended up being my friend…
Anyway I rily don't understand y she is acting dat way, she's either irritated by u or u r most def not a "bf standard" or rather not good enuf (which cld b looks, money, dress sense etc) so it embarrasses her wen people call u her bf
Friend zone tingy is an example of "one man feeds, pamper and baths a horse and den anoda man rides it"
Efe reply to oneyorubagirl couldn't be better…she should have beenhonest all the way.
Hence forth, learn to mind ur bizwax!, no one is a saint, u wud also av ur shortcomings, so if som1 is cheating, let them be! Nothing consaine u! Funny, her might av done stuff u know notin of sef…..
I tire
Lmao @ "one man feeds,pampers and bathes a horse,and another man rides it" #classic. But the self righteous person has all the makings of a proper snitch..I would hav even respected her more if she had admitted that she was the one that told the guy. Why snitch and then deny?? Then the friendzone people:Guy the girl clearly doesn't want the friendship anymore,to her you were a spare and now that she's all lovey with the man of her dreams she'd prefer you to take a hike. The irony wud be if mr friend zone gets serious with another babe and mrs friendzone gets all jealous and clingy…VERY possible.
Mr Friendzone: I honest-to-goodness think that girl likes you. It would be so simple for her to deny and cut off ties with you, and by so doing prove the gossips wrong. If she's still being friendly, albeit belly-aching about being considered your girlfriend, IMO she likes you but is confused. Up to you to either convince her otherwise, or let her and her wahala go.
Madame snitch: be honest with yourself, if not your bf's sister. You are a gossip. You weren't trying to fix things, you were passing across some scandalous info u were privy to. Learn to practise what you preach, and give your boyfriend a break.
one yoruba girl, if u were gonna tell the truth, den u shd av told d truth all d way.
meaning when she confronted you, u shd av told her yes, u told d guy and also tell her the reasons u did.
if i were in ur shoes, i wldnt have told the guy anything, i would have simply said smtn like 'i respect both of u and dont want to get involved in your relationship'
thats not a lie, thats u being diplomatic cos face it, she is ur boyfrnd's sista. u gat to b smart/wise.