FreeFall
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Alchemist’s corner. The theme for today is – Regret.
We all do what we can to get by. We do our best to live. Some say that life is a lesson, you only finish learning when you reach the end. But what if you fail? What if the end brings nothing but regret?
Share your thoughts. See you on the other side.
FREEFALL
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I wear this crown of thorns, Upon my liars chair,
Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair.
What have I become? My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know, Goes away in the end.
And you can have it all, My empire of dirt…
If I could start again, A million miles away,
I would keep myself, I would find a way.
- From ‘Hurt’ by Johnny Cash
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The wind snakes its way around me rudely, persistently attempting to snatch my clothes from me as it blows towards the east-side bay. I lift my foot and step onto the ledge. My heart is beating at a accelerated cadence and my palms are sweaty in spite of the strong breeze. I try not to look down for fear that fear will sway me from doing what I know I must do. Standing on the ledge, high above the city, I can see the sun begin to set across the skyline in the distance and for some reason it calms my nerves. I smile and strengthen my grip on the picture I have in my hand. Closing my eyes, I lean forward. I smile as I begin to fall. I will go down with the sun.
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“So, Kunle, what career do you have in mind for yourself?”
“I think I want to be an artist, Ma. I want to paint fine pictures like the ones in Mrs. Ogundipo’s office.”
“I see… you did well in fine art…you also have very high math scores and you did well in economics this year.”
“I studied a lot. My mummy said that I could do well at anything if I tried hard enough”
“Your mum is a very smart woman. She is a doctor, right?”
“Yes Ma.”
“And your father works with Standard Chartered Bank?”
“Yes Ma.”
”Kunle, your results are too good for us to put you in the Arts class. Don’t you want to be an accountant or an economist? You will get to work with plenty of money in a bank just like your father. I’m sure that will make him very proud, don’t you think so?”
“Yes Ma, but…”
“Kunle, haven’t we taught you in this school not to interrupt your elders? Now listen, we will put you in SS1B. One day when you are working in a big bank in Lagos or even London, you will remember…”
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The air rushes up to kiss my eyes as I fall toward the sea of asphalt and humanity beneath me. The sting of its kiss forces me to shut my eyelids. In the darkness of myself, I feel free. I spread my arms out to my sides, the picture still clenched in my fist. I am a bird in the sky of life, flying towards freedom. The thought reminds me of something I read once in Amiola’s flat. It was inscribed on the first page of a book that her father had given her as a birthday gift.
“We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.”
I remember trawling through Google to find its originator – which I later discovered was John Webster. I used it in a casual conversation with her 6 days later, acting as though it were one of my favorite quotes and I remember seeing a small look of recognition on her face. I suppose she was mildly impressed that I knew it. Another minor exhibit in my gallery of pretences, deceptions and falsehoods. Ironic how aptly it seems describe my life now. I have been living in a cage of my own construction. I don’t know when I became this person. This manipulative, deceitful, loveless person. A series of choices and circumstance? It wasn’t a sudden change, it was a slow fade. I suppose Empires never crumble in a day.
I loosen my grip and let the picture of Amiola drift away from me – lost to the caprices of the New York city wind, just as she whose image it bears was lost to me long ago. I suppose she was never really mine to begin with. I open my palms and pretend I am flying.
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“Kunle, we cant do this..”
“Why not?”
“I think I’m drunk. And what about Wole? He will…”
“I know. But he is thousands of miles away. What does he have to do with us? With how we feel right here, right now?”
“But he is your friend”
“Amy… Stop thinking so much and just relax”
“Kunle…”
“Amy… just relax, everything will be fine”
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My cheeks vibrate as I near what they call the terminal velocity. I remember reading about it in an online suicide forum yesterday. They said it meant you were reaching your maximum speed and were no longer accelerating. They also said it meant that you had been falling for quite some time. Laide said I had been falling for a long time and that I didn’t know it. All my life I had been going down. She said I had failed at my own life and succeeded at someone else’s. She said I was a great boss but a terrible father. She said a great many things. They all hurt. They were all true. What had I become? I had clawed my way to success on the carcass of my conscience and humanity. My own daughter had laughed when I offered her her inheritance. She had told me to keep it. I can feel a tear escape my eye as I remember her words. More follow in quick succession. I wonder if birds ever cry when they fly. If they do, I wonder… What happens to their tears?
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“…your money, I don’t want anything from you”
“Laide…”
“NO!! Get away from me. I know what you did. You thought I wouldn’t find out?”
“Laide please…”
“You are a rapist and a thief and I am ashamed to have any of your DNA in me!”
“For God’s sake Laide stop! please… you dont understand…”
“Understand what?! That you got my mother drunk and then got her pregnant just to get your claws into my grandfathers business? That you stole her from the man she loved? Your own best friend? That you used marriage to manoeuvre yourself onto the board of his company? That you treated her like shit once her father died and that you never cared for me at all? What exactly don’t I understand?! Eh…. Daddy? Explain to me why I felt like an orphan when mum died? TELL ME! YOU..YOU PIG!! GO ON… EXPLAIN!!!”
“Laide, it wasn’t like that…it wasn’t…”
“Of course it wasn’t! You want to spin another web of lies. I’m sure you are even lying to yourself. I don’t want to hear it. Go to back to your adoring office and your Park avenue apartment and your chieftaincy titles and your stolen life. Go anywhere that isn’t where I am and take your money with you. Just go. Go to hell…”
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I can tell when I hit the ground. Everything explodes in a plethora of colour and memory and personality and emotion and in that instant I can see what my life would have been if I hadn’t made certain choices. If I had been the man I wanted to be. A man that my 13 year old self would have been proud of. A man that Amiola would have truly loved and given herself willingly to. A man that Laide would have been proud to hug and call her father. I see the life. I see the man. I see it all. And then it is all gone as my consciousness evanesces to nothing and my body scatters into a million meaningless pieces on the cold pavement in much the same manner that the orange rays of the setting sun are scattered by the angry clouds.
sad.. :(
Pinkus…I see you
Lol.. I'm not hiding nah.
But then again- such is life.
We make choices and have to bear the consequences of the same.
In hindsight, there are always a 1001 things we could probably have done differently/better.
I guess the thing really is picking oneself up and trying again. Easier said than done, I know, but life's not meant to be easy anyway.
Suicide.. I don't know. I know a couple of people who have battled with the thought- more than just once.
When I was still younger, my mom attempted it 6 times.
Omo, when you get to that point and have no one else to talk/turn to.. without God.. I don't know sha. It's near impossible..
i concur with 'without God' bit. One thing being a christian has thought me is that there are always points in life when u will not want to go on but being in a relationship with Christ gives you strength to move on.
Thank you.
For reading, and for the interesting comment.
It would be interesting to find out how people that do not believe in God have dealt with such issues. I have an idea but I shall do some research and perhaps come back.
Please do come back.
My cousin was battling with such thoughts recently too.. Doctors prescribed drugs and said it was "clinical depression".
I want to believe there are other ways though.
My cousin does not believe in any Higher Being, so your findings would be useful to me too. ;)
I have been doing quite a bit of research and co-incidentally talking with two people who considered suicide. I don't think a simple comment is enough. I think perhaps there is scope for a wider treatment and discussion on the matter, not just as regards this story…and not just by me. So I am working on that. You will know when its ready. But until then, as regards your cousin… I don't think waiting for me to finish that project makes sense. Please go to the Samaritans website.
http://www.samaritans.org/
They are a charity that help prevent suicides and they have lots of information on there. This should also help as well.
http://www.mind.org.uk/help/medical_and_alternati…
Cheerio :)
No, no.. my cousin is fine now. She was going through a very rough time.. but it's more or less sorted out now.
It's just good to know.. there are many ppl battling with such issues, after all.
But thanks none-the-less! :)
Oh. I was under the wrong impression. Good to know she is fine now.
And yes, Faith is surely one of the better ways to cope with such things but there should be alternatives.
In my opinion, The key thing with Faith is that it helps by offering something to hold onto and hope for. If one can find that in anything… I think it can equally work as a coping mechanism. Anyway… Investigations continue.
I think it's much more than just hope though..
One thing I find with suicidal people is that most of them see themselves either as a burden, useless and/or insignificant.
Apart from not seeing the use for living or the value of life, they do not see the worth of "self".
More than offering hope, faith shows you that YOU are worth something.
One psychologist once said, "If you feel suicidal again, go and help someone in need." The message being: there is someone out there who needs YOU! This realization alone changes everything..
loved.
so there are online suicide forums? suicide
:)
Yes indeed. The internet is an amazing place. You can find anything really…
Suicide…
Ts easy to forget who we are sometimes..one bad descision after another and a habbit is formerd,
Somepeople refuse to let go hurt and before u know it they become depressed and angry at everything,very often in our lifes, we should stop and question our morals, because what we think is a passing mood can very likely be an everyday habbit. Soon we would start wondering how we got this way. But now , its not time to regret, No. As far as you're still living then pick up ur life and start again. As far ur still alive. Then have hope and not regrets.
True.
Did y'all get a facelift or what? Me likey!
That post though. Very touching. It felt so real, read so smooth. If to say my boss no be dey the next room, I for cry small.
*sigh* this is just sad on all levels. But then that’s just the way the story goes, you win some you lose some.
Beautifully written!
I had Love is not a fight by Warren Barfield playing while i was reading…i need to catch my breath..
For someone who's almost committed suicide i'll say it takes courage to drop the drugs, knife, rope or get off that ledge. Making mistakes in life is inevitable but what do we do after we make them is what is crucial.
nice story :)
Excellently written!
Everytime an ethical argument is raised (such as the infamous abortion one), the only message I try to preach is responsibility. If we took the various possible consequences of our action into consideration more, we are less likely to fall prey to the devil called regret.
More importantly is to, where the mistake has been made, take responsibility and do the right thing going forward. The normal human reaction after a mistake is made is to carry out another action that they hope would blot out the mistake but which, more often than not, only turns out to be another mistake.
Responsibility.
Its funny you should bring up responsibility/considering consequences. Its a problem itself when taken to an extreme.
Sometimes being responsible, thinking about things too much and considering consequences all the time prevents you from living a full life and taking chances. That in turn can lead to regrets of a different kind. Regrets for all the things you missed out on. That, may lead to depression.
Still… that is slightly different from what is depicted in this story.
I do think I agree with the second half of your comment though.
Would we call this ambition or quest for acceptance? I'd tag this piece "Nothingness" well woven piece kudos!
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Hmmm….regret! Good read.
Nice write-up and very captivating!Good life-lessons to be learnt!!!
His daughter was rather harsh though. I'm sure the guy committed suicide after their conversation. She'll probably have issues now, blaming herself for the man's death.
He should have being easier on himself
His daughter was rather harsh though. I'm sure the guy committed suicide after their conversation. She'll probably have issues now, blaming herself for the man's death.
He should have been easier on himself
Yes, according to the story trajectory, the suicide takes place not long after their conversation.
The story doesn't do it for me. The extract from 'Hurt' does. It is profound.
I think people who live by the motto 'No Regrets' are delusional. It's the only way they can deal with their regrets. Regret is inevitable. What is important is what we do when we've come to the realisation of our folly. Do we become cowards or do we do the honourable thing: restitution, forgiveness (forgiveness of one's self and the other), acceptance, etc.
Sometimes we judge ourselves harshly (as we should) and flagellate ourselves continuously. However, recognise your error, restitute and move on.
Great theme.
A really thought provoking read. The extract from Hurt also hit home. Regret is inevitable in life. Where the daughter may now have issues I believe she'll take it straight back to the dads doorstep as she believes it's all his fault.
You are verified jare….
LOL. Verified?
WooW like seriously wow…have never read anything with such raw talent.
I assume regret is an emotion we all must feel being human. Life is full of opportunities and for every opportunity, there is an opportunity cost. Sometimes we stumble along the way and the path we look back on and think could have led us down the right path could as well have led us down a wrong path. Nothing is really set in stone. Every move is an entry into a the web with a million outcomes possible. But I digress.
Great story. I like how you interject the fall with sequences from the past. Cheers
Thank you :)
For the comment and the compliment.
I reaally like it. Its raw and touching. Lovely.
wow, i'm breathless and speechless, i've never seen suicide depicted so clearly, very touching
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