Lie To Me
So those who follow me on twitter probably know I recently started watching the popular TV show, Single Ladies. For several reasons I must say I’m glad I finally started watching the show. Why? Well, definitely not because I’m single like the women on the show hell no. I’m sure most bloggers that watch the show can easily tell that some of the writers get a lot of inspiration from popular ‘black’ blogs and what that means is: content. As much as they try to center each episode on one topic, I think the show itself (and I wont event start with the characters) has loads and loads of talking points.
Before you yawn and walk away thinking this post is a review of Single Ladies, let me just say, it isn’t. Although I must say that is quite tempting. Today, I want to talk about breakups as inspired by something I saw during one of the Single Ladies episode. However, I’m not going over any of the ‘over-discussed’ aspects of the topic because I’m sure we’ve dealt extensively with those in the past. Today, I want to talk about how/why a lot of men lie their ways out of relationships.
A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend. They had been together for almost two years and to be fair to his ex, when it was good, it was really good between them. What was his reason for breaking up with her? As much as he liked her; (note, not love) he just couldn’t see the ‘long term’ for them.
Wait a second; don’t bite me just yet. Dude is approaching his late twenties and chic is approaching mid twenties. Of course, marriage and the ‘long term’ naturally come to mind in such relationships. However, this had nothing to do with tribe, health concerns or influence from family or external parties (as much as I know). In fact, apart from religion, (they are both Christians but their churches have very different doctrines), there was nothing so ‘serious’ on the surface, that could stop them from being together.
This brings us back to where we started: “seeing them together in the long term”. Now that I read it back to myself it sounds like a flimsy excuse, like something someone would say to take the easy route and jump out of a sinking ship. But once again, this ship wasn’t sinking. I can tell you there were loads of guys lined up waiting for the chic the moment news of their breakup got out.
I once wrote a post about how most women seem to go into every relationship with the mindset that it will lead to marriage. And I’m not talking about ‘older women’ now. Talk to a twenty-year-old chic in a relationship with a twenty three year old dude and you’ll be surprised at just how divergent their views are with regards to the relationship. For most guys, any relationship they get into before they turn say, twenty-eight is what it is, just another relationship. And what this means is there’s room, loads of it, for errors. If by some stroke of luck, things work out and it leads to marriage then all well and good. But this isn’t the case for most women. Once the guy checks some of their boxes, they immediately and maybe unconsciously check the other boxes for him and start holding on – for as long as possible.
In case you missed it, YES I’m generalizing and that’s the point of this post. This ‘phenomenon’ I captured very simply above is the root cause of many relationship related issues a lot of our women face. Take for instance my friend and his girlfriend. Just like most of you reading, the girlfriend thought there was more to the breakup. She instantly began insinuating he had been cheating and he just wanted an easy way out. I don’t often stick out my neck for people but in this case, I knew for a fact that he hadn’t been cheating on her. I also knew that he had tried to force himself to continue living the lie. He did so many things he wouldn’t normally do but he just couldn’t go on lying to himself.
Some of you will also say he’s quite wicked because it took him almost two years to realize he couldn’t be with her. Well, let’s be honest with ourselves, most of us can’t even define love, that ish is as complicated as ever and for me, the only way you truly know and discover people is from the experiences you have with them. How will you know you can’t stand the way your potential ‘wife’ eats if you don’t take her out to several dates or something? How will you know you can’t stand the way he snores or kicks out when he’s in bed if you don’t have sleepovers? I know one has to compromise when it comes to this love thing but surely you must agree with me that we all have limits.
This isn’t about guys or girls; I’m certainly not taking sides. All I’m saying is, if we all stay true to ourselves and admit that matters of the heart are as complicated as ever, then we’ll agree that sometimes, they just won’t make sense. Yes, it took the dude two years to realize he couldn’t have a future with her and he came out and told her the truth. But trust us to forget this ‘good deed’, which will possibly save her from years of torture in a dysfunctional marriage and focus on the amount of time it took him to realize it. Again, I’m not saying he’s a super hero and he should be handed a medal. I’m just wondering if this is why most of us tell lies to get out of relationships. If he had just said he cheated or maybe even actually cheated, it would have been easier to take right?
I want to hear from you, would you like to be told the truth (no matter how silly it is) when being broken up with? Use the comment box to speak your mind. Cheers.
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PS: You’ve seen the teasers here but you no longer have to hold your breath. Tomorrow at 4pm, we’ll premier something new and exciting, it’s called The Naked Truth Show. It’s our first experiment with audio; a podcast exclusive to TNC and on the show, we’ll be discussing Orgasms. Trust me, you don’t want to miss it.
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1. While I recognise that many factors put pressure on people to get married by a certain age, young people really need to relax when it comes to finding 'the One'. Relationships can be stressful enough…no point putting additional pressure by trying to make it fit in the 'Potential Marriage' box/
2. I prefer knowing to not knowing, or worse still, hearing it as gossip. Painful as it may be, give me the truth any day, any time.
First?
I would rather be told the truth, no matter how flimsy or hurtful it is.
There has to be a reason for the break-up. A logical reason.
Yo, sometimes a niggur jus aint feelin' a bitch no mo. Aint no shame in d game. My niggur right here made d right play but bitches dont wanna be hearing dat 'yo just dont feel me no mo shit' or dat 'A nigga just dont see himself kicking it wit yo ass in da future'. Makes em feel insecure as fuck. Like they dnt fucking deserve yo ass. Maybe they do, maybe they dont. That aint the fuckin point bitch.
Nah, bitches wanna feel like yo did em wrong, have some fucking 'logical reason' why shit aint work. Fuck dat, aint no logic in dis love game. We is all jus playin a fucked up game, aint no one unnerstand d fucking rules.
Yo, my advice, niggurs lie to dem bitches. Tell her yo ass is gay. Or u fucked a prossie. Best way is ta even make her break up wit yo ass. Good for her ego n shit. Consider dat shit to be a Nigga's version of Faking an Orgasm.
In summary:
1. Dat 'Single ladies' show sucks dirty mandingo balls
2. Bitches aint wanna hear no truth
3. Fake a break-up – jus Lie to dem bitches – make em feel good.
Riley Out.
and. . . . . . He's Back :D
The truth, every time. it would hurt for a while but I'd rather know especially if there's something I did to contribute to the breakup. Oh and yes, I don't enter a relationship if I "think" its not potentially headed for marriage, pray tell, what's wrong with that?
First of all…you started watching Single Ladies? yayyyyy!..you finally caught the bug . Now to the subject at hand
Your friend did a good thing by telling her, as much as it is painful realising there is no future in it.
Personally, I do not fancy dating guys within my age ranks because biologically and mentally we can’t be on same page. A girl of 22 can get married and even start having babies at that age but a guy of 23 cannot think about that kind of committed relationship. He is an adventurer, he is just discovering himself, you can’t expect too much from him. I know they say age is nothing but a number but you still cannot undermine ‘frame up’ that comes with age…
I have just experienced something similar, thought I found the love of my life only to realise he just wasnt feeling anymore (or something like that). Yes it hurts like hell especially since there is nothing to blame it on but it could have been worse. He could have continued when he wasnt happy and hurt me alot more in the process. I chose to see it as an awesome time in my life that is now over and move on from it.
Hmm, I think I rather hear the truth and get it over with. However I understand that sometimes the truth is hard to explain so I do not really go after people to find out why they broke up with me, if you feel like sharing that is fine. I understand what the writer is saying, I have broken up with people, told them the truth that I just don’t see a future anymore and some did not get it. I think emotional maturity which I can’t claim to have plays a factor, I ve had partners who took it in stride and we remained platonic friends and others who became overly dramatic. The emotionally mature response for either man or woman is to take the break up, and move along.
Me, I'm as Honest and Blunt as they come, and 1 important thing which I've learned (the hard way) is that most times, people crave for their egos to be soothed. Sadly, even if it comes to lying. Yer, I applaud the guy's owning up, but the scenario that has just played out is that he has stolen the babe's power to honestly label him a douche as she tries to piece together what exactly 'thefuckjusthappened'.
P.s What of if, just maybe, (in the same way The Lover to be, already knows whether you'll be shooting blanks or scoring premiums on the first date) he too knew that the relationship wasn't altar bound from the first few months and was just kinda passing through.
I' must be a guy because after my first boyfriend I' told myself the plain truth; babes every other relationship is a learning experience till u're ready to tie the knot, which by the way, is not till i'm 28! on the other hand, u can"t blame a girl for expecting it to always end at the altar… try telling a 22 or even 19 year old lady that her present bf is not the man of her dreams! when even today a female's worth is still judged by the man that she can bring home and how fast she does that!
onto break ups please guys I' beg you! find out from your lady if she's thinking long term early enough! pls and pls, so you don't lead her on! at least it works for me. when i'm approached by an older guy, who obviously is looking for a wife, I' ensure he does not get beyond the first meeting! that way, no one has to dash anyone's hopes. and wHen you want to end thiNgs, be subtle, yet truthful! the truth doesn't always have to come like a stab, a needle prick would be just fine. #MyOpinions tho
Be considerate, be gentle and be subtle but above all, be truthful
All the questions in the world, asked from back to front and front to back will never have SATISFACTORY answers but always the TRUTH would do, as it EVENTUALLY sinks in i.e. the reality of the breakup, and not what he had to say.
This is one interesting piece, IMO, the guy did the best thing by telling her the truth, but obviously she cant stand it, i knoe truth hurts but me i welcome it any day anytime. Nice post BTW
Ha ha ha! Ds piece looks like it was culled from the story of my life. Let me sum it up in just one sentence: You won't find closure until you honestly know for sure the reason(s) for the break-up. And trust me it will still hurt when after you invested well over a year of your life in that relationship, you get to discover that the reason for the break up was because he didn't see you as "long term material"or "you were too good" (yep! A reason can be that dumb) for him. You really cannot help but feel used and stupid! But like all things, time will pass. You will learn from it and you be stronger and wiser for it.