…And I have to live with the stigma
Hey people, Toolsman here. It’s been a ‘strange’ week here, especially after how our last weekend ended. The declared three days of mourning have now passed but unfortunately we are still mourning at 43 Fafunwa and as a result, we won’t be able to bring you this weeks episode but not to worry, we’ve got you covered. I got a message in the form of a short story and I’d like you guys to help the writer out with it ‘Efe style’. Please read through and see you on the flip side.
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One sunny afternoon in July, as I walked down my street, running an errand for my mother, I heard my name. I just kept walking, thinking it was one of those random boys that guessed names to call people passing by. As I kept walking, angry that my name was so common that a stranger could get it right on first attempt, I heard my name again, louder this time. I turned, a rude expression on my face, to look at the person and stopped dead in my tracks. “Kayode!” I screamed, running across the street to jump on him and he was just cooing “Chichi” into my ears over and over again. He turned me around and told me how big I had become while I stood there, grinning from ear to ear.
Kayode is that boy I liked a lot back in high school, though he was classes ahead. I was so happy that I totally forgot all about my mother’s errand. We stood there, smiling and trying our best to catch up on old times with little success because of our excitement.
We exchanged numbers and promised to meet for lunch the following day. I barely slept through the night, getting up early to carefully select what to wear on my special date. After forcing myself to concentrate that morning, I dressed up, carefully applying my make up to enhance my beauty.
Looking in the mirror, I was satisfied with what I saw, picked my purse and headed to the restaurant we agreed on in a taxi. He was already there, watching me as I sauntered in. After about 2 hours of nibbling, blushing, gisting and teasing, we finally decided to leave. He offered to drop me at home and I was glad to spend some more time, just basking in his presence.
As I got out of his car, he asked if I won’t even give him a hug. I did and as we pulled apart, he planted a soft kiss on my lips. I was pleasantly surprised.
Then he said, “Chichi, I don’t want to rush you but I’m sure I want to be with you. I never got over you”. And he had this look that screamed sincerity. I smiled, bit my lip and told him we could date because I couldn’t get over him too. Back home, everyone kept asking what happened to me because I was just hyper and nothing got me pissed. One year down the line, Kayode and I were still head over heels and he decided to take me home to mama. I was nervous but he told me not to worry, that his mum is a very nice person and that if my family members liked him, why won’t his like me.
We entered their family house and he went to get his mum. She came out, greeted me warmly and I could see where Kay got his good looks. She asked questions and I answered and sometimes asked her follow-up questions. When I said I was leaving, she didn’t even want me to go. I was thinking how lucky I was to have this potential mother-in-law. All went well until the next afternoon when I got a call from Kayode that his mum didn’t want us together. She said a lot of bad things about my tribe, family and religious denomination. I was mad. So she led me on yesterday? What a good actress! I cried, asked God lots of unanswered questions, and lost focus at work…the list was endless.
Kayode was just as devastated. Then we came up with a plan. If I got pregnant, she won’t have a choice but to accept our union.
So I got pregnant and we didn’t tell Kayode’s mum until I was 6 months gone, just to ensure that D&C was not an option. Nothing my parents said could change my mind. When she finally heard, she was furious! Saying that I was a desperate prostitute and had bewitched her only son. The battle went on and on. I had our child and it was a beautiful lady-baby. We were all so happy…that is, everyone except my “mother-in-law”.
She didn’t even come for her first grandchild’s christening. A year went by and I started noticing changes in Kayode. He was always complaining of how he couldn’t live the rest of his life fighting his mother and things like that. He stopped calling regularly, seldom visited Simisola & I and would just lose his temper on any trivial issue. Not long after, he broke up with me, saying he needed to settle down with someone his parent would approve of and he was sorry for everything. He soon neglected his duties to our daughter and my heart broke the day I was holding a picture of Kayode and Simisola stuttered, “Dah-dah…where?”
I cried but it didn’t solve anything. I decided to lose myself to my job and my daughter. I’ve given up on love but Simisola is a constant reminder of how good my life could have been. Now, I have to live with the ‘stigma’ for the rest of my life.
- Dekemisola
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Well, you’ve all read the story, you know the drill, use the comment box to share your thoughts. Also, the winner of the #43F Nokia Asha phone giveaway will be announced later today via our Twitter and Facebook pages. So goodluck to everyone who participated. Cheers.
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Sad.
Tribalism! This z a huge part of my fam. U can be friends, bt never more than that!
I must marry a yoruba man o, if I want my parents 2 be a part of their grand kid’s lives.
When will girls learn?
1. If your man loves you enough, he will marry you over and above his mother's wishes. If he can't…can someone say 'apron strings'?
2. If you are prepared to have a baby out of wedlock, you better be sure you are prepared to raise the baby alone.
3. A hostile 'mother-of-the-boyfriend' is nothing compared to a hostile mother-in-law. Accept a union? You must be kidding me. If you can't sort out problems while dating, you won't make them better by getting married. Marriage is not the balm of Gilead.
When it comes to tribalism and parental consent, young people need to develop some backbone.
PS. @thetoolsman if I was a man and my wife and baby looked like the people in that pic, I can't guarantee I wouldn't do a Husain and bolt too!
:(
Our parents generation still hangs on to the prejudices from the civil war. As much as you pple were in luv having a baby for him was d wrongest move. Going into something where one or both sets of parents don’t approve is always risky bcos whatever u see is what u get
Better to do things the normal way. Not like it guarantees anything – people change. But at least, you won’t have to regret having made monumental but stupid decisions.
Besides, “love” is a fickle thing. Not every person is strong enough to withstand the tests life brings and still hold on to love.
Hmmm kayode was a sure douchebag!
Everyone makes wrong decisions; no need to diss her on the mistakes she made.
You are lucky you have a job; you can sustain yourself and your daughter without his help. Just work towards having a good and happy life (difficult, i know …….but dwelling on the past and being bitter won't change anything)
Being bitter will also make you unattractive to men (in case you still plan to hook up with someone)
And trust me, a guy who can't stand up to his mum is not a man at all. The amount of problems a nasty MIL can cause ehn, the only solution is for the woman to die o. This may seem a bit cliche, but good riddance!
That's a horrible thing to say. Rather warped, too.
You have to try and think about where people might be coming from. In the mother-in-law's mind, she is doing what is best for her son.
Instead of wishing death on her, wish for patience and pragmatism for her son and daughter-in-law. The son has a greater responsibility because he should be able to stand up and claim a wife.
Death doesn't solve anytihng. The man needs a backbone and the woman needs brains. You can't control what happens to you in life (like discriminatory mothers-in-law), but you can decide how to respond.
"The man needs a backbone". Obviously he'll go purchase one.
lol ……… you make it seem like I'm suggesting slighted wives buy poison and shut MILs up …..lol.
I'm not wishing anyone dead; I'm merely stating that a troublesome MIL doesn't just become calm when her son 'gets a backbone'. The typical response/reaction is that the wife is poisoning her son's mind against her; cue more trouble.
The only person worthy of any form of sympathy in this ridiculous story is the baby with the unfortunate misnomer 'Stigma'.
Poor child has a coward for a father and a rather irresponsible mother. To me, this story isn't about discrimination and stereotyping, it is about making responsible choices.
Everyone makes mistakes, yes. The lady is less than sensible because she agreed to a plan that put her at the most risk. Now, she blames her man for leaving her and her child for changing her life forever. She loves the child from an impure place and she will never be happy till she owns up to the part she had to play, and forgives herself for being so reckless.
In a perfect world, there would be a system for licensing parents. Two stupid people shouldn't procreate.
Max,
I understand your meaning of stupidity, but you need to look beyond that to understand how love can make you very irrational. I feel for the baby as well, but I feel for the mother who loved totally even enough to make a 'stupid' sacrifice
Dear Max, I'm with you on this. She needs to take a good look at her life and accept that she cannot undo her mistakes and learn to live with her daughter who IS a BLESSING, a GIFT from God. It's sad that she refers to her baby as a 'stigma'. She's just being selfish. She should have known better: one of the best ways to maintain a guy's love is through his mother – he will not choose some girl over his mother
This is a good post but the picture spoilt it:(
I am Yoruba, my girlfriend is Ibo. Initially my mum kicked against our relationship but she has since gotten over it. The worry now is my girlfriend's mother. She does not just want to have anything to do with Yorubas. She believes if she caves in, my girlfriend's siblings (She is the eldest female in the family) will follow her footsteps.
Although my girlfriend is adamant and want to go ahead with me despite all, I still wake up everyday that her mother would see beyond ethnicity and allow us get married.
Tribe is not the only reason your would be mother in-law might not like you, the list is virtually endless. In my opinion, very rational thinking is needed before making such a decision which might lead to a lot of people getting hurt.
Love is never enough to withstand enormous influences such as family, think about what you are getting into and the consequences of it.
what stigma is she talking about???//////,plzzzzzzzzzz………………….. she should move on and find happiness. you have a job and a baby, two things alot of women yearn for.