I Like You A lot. But … (why men won’t commit long-term)
Dear *insert name here*,
This is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write… well, since my WAEC Chemistry exam and I barely survived that.
It’s been eleven months since we started this…. this ‘thing’ we have going on and despite your constant attempts at trying to pretend that you’re comfortable with our ‘arrangement’, I know you’d like for us to properly define things and possibly have me to yourself – legitimately.
I have often wondered about this too and even though it took me a while to realize it, I will admit that for a while now, I have discovered the reason(s) why I haven’t been able to help us take the proverbial next step but up until now, I just didn’t know how best to tell you. Not like I think this is the best way but what has to be done, has to be done. You see, the problem is…
I like you a lot but…
Age might just be numbers to the rest of the world but not to me. I’m 27 and you are 26. Your family and friends are already putting pressure on you to settle into marriage but honestly, I do not see myself taking the plunge for another 3+ years. It’s not really anything to do with the age, it’s just that, experience wise and even financially, I just don’t think I’m there yet.
You are not really my type…
No, please, wait. Let me explain. I know we’ve been kicking it for 11 months and all but all my life; I’ve always loved plus-sized women. When you came into my life, I thought it wasn’t going to last. I thought it was just sex but one month led to two and so on. It’s not like I don’t enjoy the sex or I’m not somehow attracted to you physically but I can’t deny my cravings for more flesh. At my age, I need to be honest with myself and truth is, I can’t promise I’ll be absolutely faithful to you if we end-up in something long-term.
The kids…
This will sound vain but it’s just how I feel. I just don’t think we will make good-looking kids together. Not that you are not good looking or anything but I know deep down that your nose and my lips – just won’t work.
You are dirty and lazy…
We would have been fine if we never got to play husband and wife. Like I noticed you had on one bra all through a week a couple of times but I shoved it aside like I was over-thinking. But the first few weekends you slept over in my apartment, I met the real you. I went out and got back to meet your clothes, hair everywhere; even if you didn’t mean it, you never offered to lay our bed, never, not even once. You have never helped clear out the dishes we eat with too. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a slave and I’d have probably declined if you offered. What killed it for me was noticing how you take your bath in less than three minutes. I was surprised. I even remember asking if something was wrong, if you weren’t comfortable in my bathroom or your bath water wasn’t hot enough but nothing…
You can’t cook…
I don’t want to get with a chef. I hardly even eat and when I do, I’m ok with my indomie and egg but even I can successfully boil an egg.
You are *insert tribe here*
I’m not a tribalist – you know this. Two of my past relationships were with people from parts of the country some would expect me not to like. My fear is just my parents – my mother to be specific. I want my wife and my mother to have a relationship and if I’m being honest with you, I know it can’t happen with you and my mother.
You are *insert religion here*
I know you’ll say I’m not overly religious. Yes, I admit but someday, I plan to be and when that day comes, I’d like all members of my family to attend the same place of worship. I know it’s not exactly your fault; it’s your family and you can’t go against them but with your mother already making statements like “no child of hers can get married outside the *insert church here*” I just don’t see how things can work in the long-term.
It smells…
I really don’t know how else to say this so I’m just going to spit it out. I’m sorry if it hurts but I’m hoping this will somehow help you. Facially and body-wise, you are possibly every man’s dream. I know what the average woman smells like down there – with our heat and everything but after we had sex a couple of times, I knew something was different. It wasn’t until I asked a female Doctor friend that I confirmed my suspicions. I’m sorry for all those times I lied about not being able to go down on you but when I started perceiving the smell even when we were just lying in bed talking, I knew I couldn’t do this.
I’m sorry I’ve led you on for so long, it really wasn’t my intention. I guess I just got carried away with all the fun we were having. I just know this is something I have to do now if I really care about you as much as I say I do. I hope you can look past the absurdity of this letter and maybe lets meet to talk about it better. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.
Cheers.
**********************************
Over the last year, I spent time talking to some of my male friends, gathering reasons why they would pick one girl over another if it ever came down to making a quick decision. During one of those conversations, we ended up talking about how guys sometimes like some chics but could never go all the way with them for reasons they often can’t be honest about. The letter above contains some of the reasons I’ve been able to gather.
To the women who have read this, before you take a defensive side and say, oh, are the men perfect? Do they think we also don’t have our reasons for not getting with them? Yes, you are right, I don’t know about other guys but I know I’m not perfect, heck, I don’t even want to be and almost all the points above can be flipped around easily to address issues with guys. The point of this post is not to attack women in any way. I have female friends who have at some point in their lives hooked up with seemingly perfect men but after sticking around with these guys for long periods, they men still don’t commit. I’m hoping we can somehow help each other become more expressive.
To the men reading this, well, someone had to help y’all out. But then again, my circle of friends is what it is – a circle. I need your help with broadening this study/validating it/putting it down. What are your thoughts? Would you leave a prospective long-term relationship for any of the reasons mentioned in the letter? If not, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.
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1st :D
bac 2 d post
Top 3? Yes? ^_^
*gasp* Look at this overly-arrogant effer. Pretending?? So a girl can't just want to be cool like that without wanting sumthing more?? Bullocks!
Most of the points are funny. And unserious. Smh.
Kai!! Lo ba tan :( :( this is a hard hard hard truth 4 anyone to swallow. It takes extra strength for a babe to get the lesson without resenting the guy. Nice post :)
i'll def leave a relationship 4 those reasons…if u avnt committed nd u cn find all dese things wrong wit her d relationship wnt stand d test of time
I can only pray a guy has the balls to be honest about why he doesn't wanna be with me, rather than string me along.
And some of those reasons are downright humiliating. Guys can be mean sha. :(
LOL.
Some will be straight forward and some won't be just coz' they don't want to hurt a girls feelings
I totally agree..i'd rather d guy tell me d reasons we cant continue in d relationship,no matter how insulting it is,than to just break up without saying anythn..
am with u on that …
Last but not the least
You are an insecure wreck
I thot I maybe be able to put up with your jealously, but its been 11 months. I can't bear it any longer. Bottomline: I can't be with someone dt doesn't trust me.
(._. )
So I learn from this that writing a letter is the way forward. (Y)
Try dat and u'll knw d full meaning of Bitchology.
I'm guessing an e-mail will be more appropriate then.(Y)
VEXOLOGY Niyen!!!! Tighten ur balls
Multiiple txt msgs then, she prolly won't feel so bad if the reasons are delivered bit by bit………
The reasons given are painful but TRUE! A lot of girls pretend to be very neat when they are at their man's place,….but there is only so much time you can pretend for.
This can easily be discussed with the lady before you kick off anything.
About cooking, i think with a little support from the man, and not being too critical even when the food isn't tasty, the lady can improve on it.
Hmmmm,….TRIBE & RELIGION! That one is a serious headache. When it's the parents involved, it's really difficult but not impossible! If you really care about a person, you will make effort to make your mother see past the ladies tribe. Yes, we all wanna worship in the same place, but at some point, compromise must be made on either side.
The kids,………….i do not know how that is an issue o. Is it you that is ugly or the lady?
About down there, there are solutions for it. Instead of being angry at the person, try and deal with the issues raised. Fansidar can be taken for the smell down there, and always wash it without soap regularly. I've had friends with this issue, and the smell is all gone.
I always try to be upfront about certain things. No matter how long you chase me for, if i know it's not gonna work out, i tell you from the beginning that it isn't gonna last. If you decide to just date, then that's fine. Guys should learn to be open. There's no point in deceiving someone for so long only to tell her 'BUT'………. It is not fair. The pain she will feel from the beginning won't be as bad as the one she will feel after leading her on for so long only to bring up your 'but'.
My 2 cents!
Thank you for this. I really hope the people who need it get to read it. Just like you've said, quite a lot of the points raised in the post can be solved and it is quite true that some guys just love to string along but sometimes I wonder just how hard it is to be honest with people.
Take for instance the issue of the erm.. 'down there'. I have another friend who 'honestly' complained to his then girlfriend and let's just say the relationship didn't survive his honesty. And it's not just a female thing, I've heard guys who broke up with their girlfriends because they came out and told them 'honestly' to up their bedroom game.
It's really not easy when the issues can easily trip off our 'ego systems' but at the end of the day, it's better out than in.
No one is perfect! That's the bottomline! Appreciate Honesty from Other People
Everyone loves compliments, but very few know how to handle
constructive criticism. No one likes to be wrong, which makes it hard
when people are uncomfortably honest with us.
But we need to be thankful for honesty in other people. I once heard
someone say, "Only two people will tell you the truth about yourself:
someone who is angry with you and someone who loves you very much." God
uses both types in our lives, but He especially uses the honesty of
friends and loved ones.
When someone can, in love, honestly show you how you can improve, the
results will be so much more valuable than empty, ego-stroking
compliments. It's this kind of relationship that the Bible describes as
'iron sharpening iron.'
I urge you to be thankful for people who tell you the truth about
yourself, even if it's not what you want to hear.
When you hear the truth, especially something you weren't aware of, you
can change. Ultimately, their honesty will make you a better person.
Toolsman,…i love you! xoxo
Oh wow.. wow.. erm.. just wow.. x_x
Where's your "but?"
You suppose you meant 'Flagyl' not Fansidar.
@Niyoola,… thank you. I meant flagyl. I know it begins with an 'f' sha. Thanx for pointing that out.
@Toolsman,…what's 'wowing' you? Ehn??? Lol
@thatifygirl,… no 'buts' with me babes.*winking @ toolsman*
*sigh*. :(
Summarily, if he is giving excuses and BUTS, my dear ladies — HE IS NOT JUST THAT INTO YOU….
The End!
Guys love the chase even if they are not willing to commit..
like! (cos i wz gonna say that 2…:))
Exactly. Not jst that into u
True story!
LMAO!!! U hope to hear from her real soon? Poor girl is probably cryin her eyes out, you r such a meanie…..but on the reals tho, who says a guy can't make his woman a better person. I used to be very lazy n din't like cooking but my ex changed that (still don't like cooking tho).
You never really liked, it ws jst abt d sex…n its like u avnt seen beautiful couples give birth 2 shreks abi?
@onyekus, I am actually quite unimpressed by the reasons stated by the writer, the babe ubviously has MANY issues some of which I won't even be able to live with if she were my room mate. That the guy stayed wiv her for 11 months is questionable. Great sex? Dat's a jke, if d girl is DAT disgusting, I won't touch her wiv a 10ft pole
Just as a point of correction, all the reasons mentioned in the post are not for just person. It's a collection from several people I discussed the subject with.
Aha, thnks for pointing dat out (u did mention it somehwere in d article & I overlooked it) Guys tho, whether its d hair dat stinks or d cooking, kindly terminate sharply, 11 months is a long time
Lmao
Thanks for pointing that out!
Lobatan!!!
But in truth these are just some of the reasons he'd grudgingly admit, sometimes he is just not that into you, and well she serves(fills) the temporary slot well.
liked. again…(y)
Hehehe…Tru
"…Not that you are not good looking or anything but I know deep down that your nose and my lips – just won’t work." Hahahahahaha! Don't know why Ese came to mind here ( ._.)
This makes sense but really,I don't believe a guy won't know that eventually he'll end whatever he's having with a lady who doesn't fit his spec. Bringing up excuses such as these is simply a sorry and very cowardly exit.
Fuck youuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O
If as a lady, your personal hygiene stinks, you have no busy whatsoever being in a relationship. What the hell are you in one for? To have your hands held while you stink?
And it's not just 'down below'. Your weaves stink also. You hugging a girl and it's almost like a choke hold thanks to the stench. Change the hair as often as you can. Even if weaves came with expiry dates, some of you won't still adhere. You just have to 'wear' the money out, "I'm carrying this hair for 6 months". Means you only made your hair twice in a year. Fuckery.
Just remain single until you've sorted yourself out.
Yo PM, imma let you finish, but
Paragraph 1, Line 2: "You have no busy whatsoever being in a relationship"
*Business.
Paragraph 2, Line 1: "Your weaves stink also" Weave is a compound word. Do you say "Your furnitures look nice"?
Paragraph 2, Line 2: "You hugging a girl and it's almost like a chokehold thanks to the stench". Bro, in context, "you" here is wrong. "You're" is more appropriate.
Is this PM at all?
LOL. God bless you for this.
Sounds like PM is in a critical condition.
While on grammar,'weave' in this context is not a compound word (viz: football, sunflower, rainbow), but a plural noun (viz: water, furniture, money).
The principle of your correction is valid, but not the terms used.
We're all learning, so correct people nicely.
Tengz and God blezz.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!
What is this ignorant tirade?
Since when is hygiene the basis of romantic bliss? If that were to be the case, then a lot of men would indeed have no reason to be in relationships.
I see you've written this kinda letter one time too many……lol
Distance…
That's another bitch; For me tho, If the relationship's like just 2 months old b4 I travel/relocate for a long term, it aint gonna go d distance
Nice post…honesty wud be appreciated ova being shelved aside any day…
A guy promises heaven & earth…baby u're d one I've bn waitin for yada yada…& then baby finally gets comfy enuf to move their rltnship to d nxt level & evrytn suddenly bcums an issue…tribe, religion, personality…
You can be honest but be subtle while at it. The writer of a letter as this is def gonna be resented.
Guys are quick to come on here n trash ladies. Some of y'all are very untidy and disorganized. How often do y'all wash your bedsheets? Some can leave plates in their sinks for days. How about ur bathroom, do u wash your bathtub?
Tools, I wud like to see a Ladies BUT list version too if you don't mind.
Being a smart mouth doesn't cut it but be respectful while u state your fears. Besides she stank and for 11 mnths u bore it? What are you? Am sorry tho but how can I take a 27 year old boy seriously tho? :P
He bore her stench for 11 months because he was being considerate. Hoping that one day her smell would wake her up. Obviously, it didn't. This dude should be given a medal of honour.
Seconded.
His bravery rivals that of Hercules.
Loool. Oyinkan !!
Hahaa. Oyinkan oo
Girls should be more accommodating when informed about a "smell" down there. Rather than getting upset, please visit your gynecologist! It could be caused by douching which allows an overgrowth of bacteria.
It could also be a STD, a man informing you can actually save your life if it's a STD. STDs can cause havoc if left untreated!
Men should also understand that the smell is not the end of the world. She could have gotten it from having sex with you; as having a new sexual partner is mostly culprit for BV (fishy smell) since it can change the balance of bacteria in the vagina.
Most infections are easily treated.
Oh. Change of bacterial balance aye? Noted. Thanks for the information.
By the way, about how long would it take for the bacterial balance to return to equilibrium?
A few weeks to kill off the overgrowth of bacteria. Typical 7 days for treatment. And then the body starts balancing itself afterwards.
Smell should be absent by the second week of treatment though. Yogurt is very helpful in replacing the beneficial bacteria. Oral ingestion of course.
Knowledge acquired and stored for future reference.
Thank you.
—-
(Yoghurt. Oral. Mmmhmmm. I see. Mother nature has a perverted sense of humor… or maybe that's just me)
Some of the points raised here are not feminine at all.
It also applies to guys too.
These are simple dictates of good personal hygiene:
So Dirty – No way (Madam pls try to be a clean and neat)
Terribly Lazy – Why? Possibly Indulging. (A woman should learn to work hard)
Bad Cook – A Lady? Nope (What were you doing growing up?)
Smells When Digging? Terrible. (Seek medical attention) – I can not even touch a lady again once I detect this the first time.
Where do you meet your girls?
What is your criteria for dating?
Some perspective are quite myopic.
Age? So What! Is there a rule book that says you must make all the in the world or you must be 30 before you can get married.
Kids? Are you GOD? Mel B and Eddie Murphie have a daughter called Phoenix?
What makes you think you look good enough for her.
Religion and Tribe? You knew from the beginning dude. Dint you have a checklist!
Type? Why lead her on!
Common guys, No fall my hand ooo!
Mr. Oluseye
You seem to know a lot of things
And only you know the S.I. Unit for what is childish and what isn't
A person might be able to get over it if someone cheats on her, but that same person really wouldn't be able to live with someone that chews like an animal.
Like it or not, different strokes for different folks.
Did I also add that some guys don't shave and they think it's sexy? Ok, add that too. Guys have a lot of grooming problems too.
Mia, isn't Fansidar that malarial drug or sth? Pls can u explain how it deals with the odor. Thanks. Isn't feminine wash also a remedy?
I think she meant Flagyl. It's used to treat bacterial infections, usually of the vagina and stomach
Feminine wash is basically window dressing. If there is odour, the cause of the odour should be addressed first. Most feminine wash products(though hypo-allerginic)upset the PH and bacteria balance in the vagina (unless they have the same PH as your body) thereby reducing the vagina's self cleansing abilities and resulting in more odour.
Better to wash the vulva when bathing with very MILD soap and water.
My only bone of contention is that these are ALL things one would know are deal breakers way before 11 months, probably way before they even really got into the relationship with the person, so why waste their (and your) time?
GBAM!!!
What she said.
You know you don't want to be with them anyway, so spare everyone the heartache and come clean as soon as poss
Everything I want to say has been said.
Have your bath before going to bed with your partner. At least.
Save a life.
LOL
Nothing wrong about this post, nothing at all.
Different factors influence these decisions and whether they seem concrete or superficial to you, they do matter. Some things people can get over, others they really can't.
Your nose and my lips?? Seriously?
Niggas will say anything to run away.
I have a question. Well questions. Why do people need to come up with an excuse for breaking up. Aren't you breaking up with the person cos you're just not into the person? Why the lengthy story? However tactful you try to be when breaking up with a person, you will still be called a jerk so why bother really?
P.S: I know this post just gives reasons why men won't commit but I'd just like to know why people feel the need to come up with excuses for breaking up.
Oh, and fuck you very much, Georgina.
Everything has been said.
I am self conscious to a fault, I must admit it can be quite irritating. I always ask ' is the food good, do u need salt?' 'do I smell?…that way when he says yes or no, it's not a slap in the face. If he was breaking up with me for any of those reasons other than religion or tribe…' it wasn't working' would do.
We're both AS, I really don't think it is fair to bring an SS child to the world – that's another valid reason
tnc will not kill me.
Yeparipa, lwkm. This post is very funny and so are the comments.
On a serious note though, most of the issues raised can go both ways, they are not just exclusive to the female gender. As much as this post is an eye openner to ladies, I'd also like to point out that it shows a great deal the level of maturity the guys involved have.
I mean, no one is perfect, the man in the relationship obviously does not know what he wants. If he has a checklist of 20 things to lookout for in his woman, there is no possible way he would get those 20 things from one woman. He just has to settle. Let's say he gets 15 and any of these issues raised make up the 5 lacking, he has two options, live with it or correct it. He doesn't have to throw the 15 away because 5 are missing.
I want to point out that for him to stay with her for 11 months, she definitely had some cool qualities.
So to my advice, ladies take note and work on yourselves. Fellas, grow up, man up, whatever. Nobody is perfect. Take charge of your lives and maybe hers.
Right
Out
Of
My
Mouth.
. . . liking the checklist take on it.
yeah, the issues are not peculiar to females but i fink this article was put this way cos it is common among guys. getting committed is a serious thingy for guys and most of dem tend to shy away from it by giving some lame excuses. the lips and nose part is jus the height
Like seriously, my lips and your nose*dats hilarious* next thing will be we are both dark in complexion and i wont want my kids to be burnt..loving some comments though
and ehen! all diz excuses about not wanting to hurt the babe does not actually make sense to me. if u dont wanna hurt her den dont hurt her at all- its eida early enof or never. and if you av a problem wiv something its best u let her knw ASAP.
if you dont have alterior motives you'll wanna work on watever weakness she has, well…except if you've bin working on it for a while and she's not yeilding. buh seriously everyone has one weakness/bad habit or the other…even YOU. if she can put up with your own bad habits, i dont think she deserves dis kind of humiliation. if you cant stand something she does at all den look for the most subtle way to tell her
some of the complaints could actually be problematic the 'parent factor' thingy can be serious trouble
buh oda dan d really serious issues ehn, we all knw that most guys are just looking for a way out and i dont fink u av to to make sum1 feel bad unecessarily just bcos u wanna ex the relationship.
Firstly, feminine wash, douches, soaps whether antiseptic or fragrance free do not work!!! Wash with water. If the smell is fishy or persistent, see a doctor for your own good.
Secodly, I think when a guy doesn't want to commit himself to a lady he doesn't want to. No reasons. Whatever excuses he comes up with are so you don't think he's a bad person.
GBAM! that is it. finito.
fuck dat damn disclaimer or whatever it was @ d end of this very cool story.. yes im taking this shit P ….. shit just got personal….
what other stupid excuse is there to give… guys are foooooooooools tho… yes, its paining me …. LOL
I think these are all kind of funny reasons to not committ and I feel that if you like your life you would never say this aloud to any woman or risk having your jibby cut.
As for me I think a lot of these things are inconsequential if you really like said lady. You can bypass tribe and religion, smelly-ness can be remedied by having a shower before doing the horizontal azonto. It could even be part of the foreplay where you join in. Not being your type? No remedy there dude, you shouldnt have been dating her or kpanshing her then.
This post makes men out to be petty and underwhelmingly persnickety.
May I jst add one more lame reason to d list? U'r not loving enuff……. Like say wot!?! I aint ur mama and if u need anymore "love" u may need to crawl back into her belly for it!!! I will neva get over dat ish I swear
Omo, all ths ones na yarns! He just doesn't love her. Finis. If he did, he'll work out somefin. Send me a letter like dis, I'll personally arrange ur death..*dusts hands and walks off*
Comment
Nobody is Perfect…. ( ._.)
@Oluseye your responses are "responsible", please keep them coming.
the guy sounds like he the relationship was a friends with benefits thingy that had to come to an end one day with reasons.
The only reason that i find really crucial is laziness and being dirty. Many of such attributes are hard to change especially when the lady is already an adult.
On matters of sex, i just think there is no legitimacy yet. For heaven's sake you guys aint even married. Were you meant to be having sex in the 1st place?…and if you insist, these can also be resolved. I'm hearing about flagyl for the first time here.
Also, it's so hard tell the value of eleven months if a relationship is to be long-term
Finally, in my opinion i just feel a lot of us guys know from the beginning when we're going the long haul or not…just like Oluseye said ".. don't you have a check-list"..and if u didn't have , maybe u were only prepared for a very short and steamy all-sex relationship. We must all go into relationships with a victor's mindset, not with the mindset of someone that needs to be convinced to stay.
Who is going to do a post on why guys don't like to use condoms? I will be waiting for that one :|
Buhahahahaha!!! I'm with you on this one!!!!!!!
Hilarious letter, but also esteem-damaging for any woman, no matter how strong she appears to be. I was thinking the guy would add "You don't brush your teeth until 1pm" and "You fart a lot" to his list of unending worries.
Anyway, commitment is a big issue and although, unfortunately, guys like to test the waters, we know when to commit absolutely without doubts.
One of the problems is lack of communication. When this sets in it becomes increasingly difficult for either partners to talk to each other about things that may apparently truncate their relationship, hence leaving these inadequacies to grow bigger than usual.
I cannot blame the girl certainly because the guy did not apear in his letter to have spoken to her about these issues, and possibly putting them in order.
Nice post, however.
I am just wondering, couldn't this long letter be summed up with " I don't love you and i am not willing to try and work it out" ? All the reasons just come down to this…if you truly love someone, you will work at these perceived faults not just notice them and later use them as an excuse…
so funny gosh!!!
hmmm…@real nice one..@decorous well said..Now its simple..A guy who knows what he wants, knows if he wants it 2 last or not. it is clear that the babe was a pastime..this goes 2 everyone: always communicate,in the best way possible wit ur partner abt issues sooner than later, cos all those mentioned cud av bin brot up asap..u gotta trust each other too..but basically game recognise game and spec dey recognise spec…everybody love urself..up ur game…
good discussion about lover.so love should be true in life.
I'm a girl, but I would leave a guy for any of the above reasons (and then some)…hey, maybe that's why i'm still single…
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This is why I don't date and would never marry a Nigerian guy. Such simple mindsets.
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