The Love Letters: Letter #6
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LETTER #5: Old Words, Still True (2/2)
by
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From: Tracy Thomas <tracytee@xyzmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, February 13th, 2013, 7.19pm
To: Bolarinwa Thomas <bolathomas@xyzmail.com>
Subject: Re: Re: Please help send
Hello Bola,
Err…this is weird. And will get weirder. It’s been a while since we addressed each other like this, and I’m… I’m a little taken aback by your email.
Why did you open that file? I mean, it would have been easier for you to have just sent it. It would have been easier for all of us, to be quite honest.
Now I have to tell you many thoughts. Thoughts that I have been thinking, thoughts that I have thought…some while lying in his arms. So brace yourself. You asked for it.
I want you to know that I have never slept with Olisa. Yes, there have been a lot of embraces and tender words; there have even been kisses. Passionate kisses too. But I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him. It has been a constant source of frustration to us. We talk, go out a lot, spent a lot of time with his friends and family. They are nice people; they are not rude or unpleasant or anything like that, no. They can see that he loves me. He loves me so much, Bola. He loves my mind. Loves the way I think, look, act…but that does not change anything.
It does not change anything, and I know why.
Do you remember when we were young, when you used to escort me down our street, back when we lived in the flats? You took me so that I would go look for cigarette sticks on the floor. If we were lucky, I found an untouched one. I would kneel down on the hard ground and gently pull it apart, caressing the soft, fine, golden hairs and sniffing the erotic aroma of the tobacco. I would stroke them slowly and you would run off to play football. You never understood why I never came back with them. “You could take them home with you, you know”, you used to say. “We don’t have to look for a new one every day.” I didn’t understand you either. We found them on the floor. How could anyone take what did not belong to them?
I stopped feeling like I belonged to you, Bola. That’s what happened. I remember when we got married. How everything was so surreal and I had to keep looking at you to make sure it was happening. Your smile…you seemed so sure you wanted to marry me. It was amazing. I kept looking around at all the people that had gathered to see us wed. Did they understand? Bolarinwa was marrying me. He was marrying me.
I remember catching Dee’s eyes. She smiled at me. She was probably the only one in there (except for your mum, I suppose) who could understand how undeserving I felt of you. We looked at each other and I wondered if she was thinking what I was thinking. That day back in our hostel room when we were gisting about all the boys in our class, listing all their stupid flaws- Leo is ugly and boring, Samuel has crusty feet- when she said, “Honestly, the only one I can go out with in that class is Bola.” I remember how confused I got. My Bola? Skinny, quiet Bola who only knew how to solve maths and dance Michael Jackson?? I never saw you like that…
She found you first. She saw the gem, when all I could see was the rock. Sometimes I feel guilty, and I look into her eyes, trying to find even the smallest flicker of dislike. But her gaze never wavers. Dee is good. Just like you. She was so good, I had to see what she saw in you.
I was happy when I married you, love. I was very happy. Those vows; corny as they sounded, I meant every word of them. (Yes, yes, you were right, they sound like cartoon words, lol. Cartoon words. Who says that?).
Sigh, Bola… This is shaping up to be one long email. I am trying to shorten it, I am…
All those old people used to say marriage is not easy. I know. I am not an idiot. Even when we fought, all the times you would say ridiculous stuff, I still loved you. Even when you eventually quit your job to start AH and I got promoted at mine, and we had that huge row and stopped seeing each other as frequently and then we basically just became housemates, dropping sticky notes for each other about not coming back that night, I still loved you. It was alright. We could work it out. Even when you would go downstairs and work, and not eat my food for three days but litter the whole place with banana peels and groundnut bottles…
Even when, eventually, you announced that you and her were going to be business partners. She was efficient and she was driven; she was talented in putting the proposals together. How could I say no? I knew what Dee meant to you. She meant a lot to me too, but how could I tell you that throughout our relationship, I have always lived in fear that you would wake up one day and realize that it was her who God set aside for you? I tried to quell it, the doubt, the unease, until one day, still trying to “form nonchalant”, I read a quote in a story on that Naked Convos website -
“We think caged birds sing, when indeed, they cry”.
I couldn’t after that.
Olisa is fine. Or was, LOL. A little incident happened when we went to church last week. It is a church in Ajah, where we thought nobody would know us. Guess who we saw? She was surprised to see us too. Or rather me, with a guy that was obviously not you. We had a chat after service, and she asked after you. I stared at her. She stared back at me. Then she shook her head and started laughing. “What is it?” Olisa had to ask.
She adjusted her bag; moved it from her wrist to her shoulder. And she stared at me again. A bird hooted by. I looked down, and arranged my body to show her that I was listening. Then she spoke, in a low voice, her gaze never wavering from me. “I’m just thinking back to when this small girl was my bunkie. The day she came into the room and just faced me.” She tilted her head to look at me, putting one hand on her waist. “Do you remember?” Then she raised her other hand and imitated my voice- “Do you know that that Bola is not fine? There is nothing even special about him. He just has beautiful eyes, that’s all. Really, really beautiful eyes.”
Olisa was furious.
I felt like I had been slapped.
I understood what she was telling me.
She was reminding me of my vows.
She was telling me that I belonged to you.
Bola. I never stopped loving you. I thought I was setting you free but I didn’t understand. Our vows are sacred. You married me. You love me; only me, and I love you. Why did we ever stop trying?
Lol, I am tired of Tinu too. (That’s my lawyer’s name, btw) Basically, all I’m saying is…we don’t really have to see her again, if you don’t want to.
Sigh. This feels like a huge, huge relief.
This time, I’m asking. Will you marry me?
Again?
I am willing to try again, if you are.
I love you Bola.
I always have.
Please say yes.
With love and trembling hopes,
Tracy.
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Letters (1/2) →
First *sigh*
First? Please forgive. Awwwww wonderful piece.
Ghen Ghen…..
the only reason i'm teary is the video i was watching before i read this……. not because this is soooo touching oooo… ehen ehen before people start saying why is a guy crying….
WoW OK!forgiveness ainT easy buh I guess we can all give it a try . I only hope u aRe ready 2 do right by him !!!!!……its women like u dat give us bad nameS!
And that's it
Sigh
I wont cry *sniffs*
Awwwn, dis is very emotional. Say yes please, Bola. Say yes! Lovely piece, I must say… Really luv dis and d previous letter.
*sigh
You may rise, my brother. Rise.
Hahahaha using an elevator?
“We think caged birds sing, when indeed, they cry”….
i'm lost for words right now. *sigh*
Nice Comeback, hated her since 10am.Tracy isn't a b*tch afterall.
And that's it
Sigh
:’)
how sweet…
me likey
Fear… *sigh*
How the fear of… Can destroy a love so beautiful.
True friends are rare.
Bless Dee's heart
Brings up an interesting question. Is the cheating less because y'all didn't go all the way? I'd feel terrible either ways.
So I wonder. Does she actually believe her action as not so bad? And thus easier to forgive?
Interesting question.. easy to get caught up with all the mush and ignore this. I did sense alot more hurt from him … As powerful as words can be, they only go so far.. she might be hating herself more but we'll never know from only these letters..
Of course. Letters aren't a story, not to anyone except the people they are addressed to. All we can get is a sense of what drove them to write the letter. In that way, letters are a much more abstract and delicate story-telling device, open to interpretation by any third-party reading. And that, in a sense, is what the purpose to 'The Love Letters' is – to create scenarios where you both ask and infer.
True. I didn't sense a lot of remorse (or any at all, to be honest) from her… People like this cheat, and then find a way to blame their partner. She should fuck off.
Whew!!! And i thought she was going to ask him to get a life… I really hope they work it out this time.
Erm Uncle Toolsman the like button is still missing.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
My favorite so far
*sigh*…wipes tears….would love to see bola's reply….
Yes o! Bola should reply this *wipes tears
Ok…..errrmm…so this dint go the way I expected it to, but then….nice piece.
Meh.
That's how I felt after. The words are beautifully strung together but, meh. If I was Bola (and I've been), that's what this email would elicit from me. Meh. It doesn't come from a contrite heart, nothing deep and moving, nothing heart-felt. Just excuses and guilt trips. Realisations and confrontations. What? So if you weren't confronted at that church, you'd never realise you were my wife? You wouldn't try if I hadn't sent that email this morning?
Meh.
So, passionate kisses just in front of the finish line, abi? So I should rejoice now that you never quite crossed it, shey? Hey, don't let me hold you back. Go on and do as we both know you want to. Let me not be the cage to your bird, the tether to your horse, go right along. Do the deed. I'll be fine. We both will.
Meh.
That's all. Meh all the way. Meh.
This!
Obviously more eloquently strung together than I could ever muster but…everything u said is exactly how I feel! Bout this…& bout the other thing.
Gawd! This dude is vexed…
I felt that way too sha: Tracy didn't sound as pained/willing to make it work/ sober as Bola
Mr Olatoxic.
Your reply would be a perfect reply to this letter.
Thinking logically, of course it would fit…
However, when emotions do the talking , and the fact that marriage is for better for worse, every other thing cancels out.
If you still love each other, it would be best to put all aside and make it work.
THANK YOU!!! She doesn't love him, she only understands he's the kind of man any woman would feel lucky to have and now she feels him slipping away so she's frantically trying to keep him. She's trying to love him because her friend loves him and therefore there has to be something wonderful about him, which she can't see. She comes off as the type of woman who doesn't want a man nobody else wants! or like a retired prostitute who decided she finally had to settle down and married the best of the lot but still has "hoe-ish" tendencies. I hate Tracy but i understand her. No one wants to lose a good man/ woman.
You are spot on. Her feelings and love aren't on the same level as Bola's and she's crediting herself for just sharing passionate kisses with the other man and not sleeping with him. She comes across as a tad selfish and not as remorseful as you will expect.
The way I see it, Bola will take her back 'cause he loves her to pieces but the same issues will crop up (maybe in another form) in the future.
Yes, meh!
Lmaoooo @ Toxic
You mirror my feelings my guy. Like, Aunty doesn't seem really sorry. I think she's confused.
Hopefully Bola loves her enough to settle for less. This love of a thing sef..
I just like how real all this is. That's all.
*sigh*….“We think caged birds sing, when indeed, they cry”.
beautiful piece. How i wish it is that easy to forgive.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I did not cry but my eyes are watery!!!!!!! MEHN!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVEE!!!!!!!!!! LOVUUUU MOOO OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WIll you marry me again??????????????
But her letter abi reply to him is not as heartfelt as I thought it should be.. I do not know or maybe its just me.. Its heart wrenching but not really emotional.. like she is probably not really really into the marriage and just wants back in coz she is tired of the back and forths for a divorce process.
Still an awesome write up :)
How many more letters to go?
I still haven't been emotionally moved/ been able to relate with any of the letters
:)
two more..
Awwwh. Really hope to connect with the remaining.
Amazing blog by the way.
For some strange reason, I keep thinking today is Thursday.. we have 4 more… And Thanks :)
"He just has beautiful eyes, that’s all. Really, really beautiful eyes." my best part of the letter. I actually pictured a ¿mocking Dee saying that…
…and Tracy has a complex.
*Begins slow clap*
Panda and Aeda should just marry so that their offspring may provide our offpspring with quality literary material
5&6 are it for me. Been in this place in the past. Might still be here even though I tell myself different. Its brilliant the way you can bring out the beauty in something so painful and emphasize the flicker of light that is hope in the midst of emotional travails.
Chai! Epistle. Sorry
Uve had passionate kisses, but u haven’t ever been intimate??? Are u kidn? Some kisses are like…
*sigh*
So she cheated n is now coming bak to propose? Skeen.
What’s special about this piece is that you cannot actually predict what the next line or paragraph holds. I still can’t believe she asked him to marry her again. *sobs*
I was gonna cry…. Then I saw the comments…. LMAOOOOO! What’s wrong with all of you? Such venom. Bottom line, he will succumb. End.
BEAUTIFUL piece tho…. :)
LOL!
"We fucked but he used a condom. So it wasn't so intimate. Besides. I didn't let him finish"
Okay. :-)
i think y'all are overreacting.. its obvious shes the less sentimental and emotional partner in the marriage maybe thats y shes not fully able to get her point across so easily. i do sense remorse and deep sadness and regret and guilt and then the insecurity that has always plagued her since secondary school days. these are her cross and she would have to deal with them herself, personally.
love is forgiveness. if they truly love each other, they would move on from this and work on their issues.
i enjoyed this story the most.
not like i cheated but somehow i could understand the babe and the emotions behind her words.
This letter is purrfect! I'm actually this close to purring like a contented tabby cat. It rose and rose and that crescendo was executed perfectly. *sigh*
When will I ever write like this?
When?
See oppression.
._.
So touching…. But we r in 9ja oo. Will he agree?I for one won't be able to look @ her again.
"Olisa is fine. Or was, LOL."
Who asked her how Olisa was/is?
And she could laugh.
Such unfeeling guts.
*stolling away*
I love the throbbing, painful emotions the writer wove into this letter. It's almost as if they are clutching at your heart and are trying to make you love again. Almost!
The emotions are so powerful they obfuscate the issues at stake. She's not sorry, she's wistful. She's not apologizing or trying to change, she's playing on the emotions of Bola. I agree with Olatoxic. I don't hit women, but if I got this kind of letter, I would slap her upside the head. Rubbish.
'Bola. I never stopped loving you.
I thought I was setting you free
but I didn’t understand. Our
vows are sacred. You married
me. You love me; only me, and I
love you. Why did we ever stop
trying?'
Sometimes love isn't enough. Not one apology. Not one 'i'm sorry'. You kissed, and you love me, so it would be ok? GOH!
I like it as a piece of writing, but not as a letter intended to correct wrongs and heal hurts. It's too detached, mocking, manipulative.
Same thing I was thinking about. Not one apology.
Bola loves her more than she loves him…. And she knows this
This letter is reckless and disrespectful.
So if he hadn’t mailed her first she wouldn’t even bother. silly bitch.
I agree Bola loves her more. Well both of them can't love on the same level. She is obviously less emotional.
I however hope they don't get back together. They would still end up apart
I hope the sex is good.
…and I cried. This is just very real for me.
this thing called love sha……..
not feeling her at all
errr….Intimacy….physical none,but mental…she doesn't sound….sober
From this letter I can understand her a little. In the first letter, it was clear that she had already asked for forgiveness. These are just letters and we can only assume we know what's going on. There are always two sides to every story and there must have been a reason why she found solace in another man's arms. I am not in any way justifying what she did (whether she had sexual intercourse or not), I'm just saying everybody loves differently. It's obvious that she loves him and feels guilt, maybe that wasn't well represented in the letter but it's there. If she wasn't willing to try again I guess she wouldn't have bothered since she already has a man who loves her more than she does but she was willing to come back. The choice is now Bola's. If he can forgive and maybe let go of the mess she caused, fine. Only him can know and decide if she's really sorry or not. I dunno mehn…love's crazy.