Published on January 21st, 2013 | by Festus Okubor43
When No means No
Hey people, Toolsman here welcoming everyone to another awesome week. So let’s kick things off with another exciting announcement. Allow me to introduce yet another addition to the TNC team (boy, are we growing so fast). Some of you may know him, he’s been featured here in the past but now he’s going to join the team full time to run the MondayRush section with me. Please welcome
the one, the only @JCphoenixx.
Ok, so he’s just going to jump right into it and kick off this week with his first official post, please show some love at the flip side and share your comments, remarks etc. Cheers.
No matter how much you try to distance yourself from them, ignore them, focus on your little sphere of influence, interaction and interests, there are some stories capable of moving you, from thousands of miles away. One such story of such personal impact to me is the story of “Damini”, in India.
We live in a fast changing world. Some things are changing for the worse, others are getting better. One such thing, most of us assume, is the right to self determination of women. growing up surrounded by strong women, I admit, as a man, I take it for granted sometimes how hard it can be to be a woman, living in an environment where you’re still considered second class by default to men, expected to be deferent, without a voice. The vast majority of us are guilty of this at some point in time, but every once in a while, a story comes along that stirs such outrage in you, one begins to imagine how our loved ones must feel.
Rapes occur in every corner of the world, not just India. As a matter of fact, Nigerians are all too familiar with stories like the one that caused such outrage in India. Think ABSU, think the countless number of videos that surface every other month showing some girl stripped naked, with sneering, glad-to-be-here young men “fondling” her, and someone throws in the narrative “oh she stole a phone” or something.
What particularly troubled me was a quote from a Religious Leader, casting blame on the Lady, about how she was possibly provocative, and should have been more respectful, this also echoes what a lot of people think when we hear stories like this, the default excuses our society comes up with; “why was she walking home at such a late hour” or “oh, that’s so sad, but why was she dressed so provocatively?”
Or the main question behind this post; why did she come to my house if she didn’t want to have sex.
Anyone who’s been in this situation can tell you firsthand about the thin line between foreplay and sexual harassment. At the risk of trivializing this issue, I want to get a male and female opinion about this. A girl you’ve gotten quite comfortable with, say second base, wants to come over to your house to “hang out” and you’re making out, then she stops you at the most absurd point and says, “No.”
A man I know used to say “sometimes no means NO, sometimes no means yes, sometimes no means try harder”
Most of us get some variation of this saying drummed into our heads early on in life. If not through advice, from experience. It’s the reason why you keep calling that girl when she’s told you short boys are not her type, the reason why you still send Champagne bottles over to her table 5 minutes after she pours a drink in your face and tells you your money might be impressive, but your face never will be… and sometimes we know, that these things work out, through sheer persistence.
This “Prime Hunter” mentality might just be most dangerous thing in male-female relationships, and a major reason for the tragic occurrences we’re complaining about today, I don’t know. The sense of entitlement, of ownership, what’s the difference between “well she came round to my yard at 11pm so of course she was down” and “she was wearing a mini skirt unaccompanied on the same bus with me at 11pm so of course she was down”. I feel the former has probably led to more assaults on women than the latter, and the two are just rungs apart on the same ladder. a lot of people have these experiences but they’re still so hard to discuss even in open society.
Today I’d like read your thoughts on this “sometimes no means NO, sometimes no means yes, sometimes no means try harder”. When does one cross that almost invisible line that separates foreplay and sexual harassment? Please go ahead, use the comment box to express you.