The Needy Woman
Via: Corbis.com
Hey people, Toolsman here. I had a very ‘interesting’ discussion with a friend yesterday about how women sometimes come off as being ‘needy’ and how this works against them. It let to a serious argument and so I decided to bring it up here today. To further help position the discussion, I found a letter someone wrote to the SBM team on the subject and I think it perfectly captures the scenario. Read the letter below and share your thoughts in the comment box. Cheers.
***
I recently got out of a long term relationship with someone who either wasn’t willing or wasn’t able to meet my needs. Not sure which was the case. I feel like I let him get away with doing the bare minimum and I eventually got tired of it, but it took a loooong time to get to that point. Something inside of me felt like I was entitled to more than he was giving to the relationship. But on the other hand, I had a hard time asking anything of him out of the fear of appearing/feeling needy. *Sidenote, I think some of us who were raised by single mothers learned that we were supposed to do things for ourselves and never expect to get much reciprocity from men.* For about the last half of the relationship I feel like I was carrying it all. He always had time for everybody else and tried his hardest not to disappoint them, but he could come up with all the excuses in the world for why he had to cancel our plans or couldn’t help me with something. Yet whenever he needed something, who do you think was the first to be called? Evidently none of those priority people, and he certainly had time for me then. But when I would tell him that I already had plans or couldn’t do what he needed he would lay a guilt trip on me about how I was the only person that he had. I would fall for that mess every time. Anytime I told him that I needed him to contribute equally to the relationship it felt like I was doing something wrong, like maybe I was expecting too much of another person.
I was informed by a good friend that I was confusing being needy with having needs. And when I think about it makes a lot of sense, because I didn’t really want anything over-the-top from him. I just wanted to know that my love was appreciated and for him to show me that I was important to him too. Didn’t get that, didn’t even get a call on my birthday. I had never really differentiated between the two terms before, but I do know that I’ve heard women being called needy left and right by their exes and love interests. Some of them I think actually were needy when I think about it. But others seem like they were merely expecting, ya know, a relationship where their man actually helps to maintain it. There are needy men and women out there, but it seems as though the word needy is used as a blanket statement against women, and no woman wants to ever be thought of as needy and some of us will try to avoid it at all costs.
So I ask, what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?
Related Posts
Trying To Mend The Broken →
Can’t Steal My Shine →
Dating With Children →
First.
Ok. So i'm a girl, and the questions are directed at the men. I'll just read through the comments for this one
The woman hit the nail on the head with the letter tho'.
I’m a woman, and Well….. There’s no confusion! This letter says it all. Men don’t want to do anything at all…. They shenk their responsibilities as a partner and expect you to “make do”. They make time for other less important things and this is unfair. In matters that are to their own advantage, they claim being the “head” but when its for them to “do”, they’ll say “baby try and understand”. We contribute to relationships, but we want to be met halfway and shown love and affection!!! #thatisall. Thanks!
My two cents
-when u r being needy, u r being needy
-when u ask for something he doesnt wanna give, u r being needy
-when u dont ask him for help and do it all n he looks bad, u r too independent
-when u point out the errors in his ways, u r keeping scores or u r a smart arz
-when u break up with him and his ego his bruised, he tells the world that a) u r too needy n he orchestrated ur dumping him by not giving in to ur neediness or b) u r too independent too want him or need him
"when u ask for something he doesn't wanna give, u r being needy"
Even when what you're asking for is something essential to the relationship? A phone call on your birthday?
What can I say, people (esp men) and their double standards. It is what it is…
This post is like heaven-sent…I'm where the lady in the letter was right now..well apart from him needing anything from me..that doesn't happen, and it's frustrating..especially when trying to talk to him makes me feel like I'm saddling him. He simply pays no attention or he turns it into a joke,I know I'll strangle him someday sha,just counting down to that wonderful day
It all depends.
If you are with someone who thinks calling your phone on your birthday isn’t necessary, then my dear, he would classify you as needy. (not even coming over to your office with a bouquet o, just phone call …. N100 recharge card).
It all depends on the guy’s attitude and expectations in a relationship.
Some guys love to call their babes @ least 3 times a day; some think a 5-line bbm chat is enough.
In my opinion, a woman becomes needy when she has crossed the threshold. The threshold of trust, she starts becoming panicky. Demanding… And all those icky stuff. I have no experience on this, so I'll just wait for the pros to answer. . .
And yes, we tend to run away from 'responsibilities'. A little breathing space would help a brother. Greatly.
Yhh when there is no trust we panic and appear needy I totally agree with that
Oh so its fine for d guy to get a break but if its d girl den she must b cheating. Most girls dnt cross dat threshold u call trust except the guy gives a reason. I get most guyz aint so emotional and stuff n might nt b intresd in calln 4times a day (personally I fink its smothering and annoyn) but @least a call or a short message is enough to show care and make d girl noe shez nt in a relationship wit herself.
A woman with un met needs becomes needy to the man who isnt meeting those needs….if she stays with him and nags about the needs not being met.
That’s how the ‘men’ refused to comment o. *rme*
Abeggi, being in a relationship is a 2 way street. U have a laid back attitude for most part of the relationship, & suddenly get intrested wen u need something. Or asking 4 things that is not a priority ( is he ur father).
Personally I don’t need 2 be told, wen d girl is doing well …. I will do things 4 her even before she ask
R u 4 real??? When she does well? U testing r or somfing or did she force u to date her??? If u like n u willingly dated r u shud know wat 2 do, seriously!
Things that aren’t priority, by ur assessment or hers? U ask if he is her father. Well, if she meets a need his mom can’t meet, then he provides what her pop can’t!
What happens if it's the other way round and the guy is the "needy" one?
LOOOL. That’s not normal. He should be flogged. :(
I still didn't get the difference between the needy woman and the woman with needs. So I'll hazard a guess and say the needy woman is one with emotional needs and the woman with needs is the one who wants it all (the Pacman kinda woman, eat it all). I believe the purpose of this article is to talk about the emotional needs, yes?
I personally believe, at the risk of sounding chauvinistic, women are the cause of most of the misunderstanding (Baba be my helmet) and confusing guys deliberately or otherwise. Relationship probably starts off with the woman as the independent type feminist, with all them affirmative action mentality (in the case of the letter writer, she was raised to do things on her own). The dude believes he is getting an independent woman who can handle herself and he is okay with that. Time elapses in the relationship and feminine instincts kick in, she becomes needy (for one reason or another, real or imagined) and attempts to breech unwritten contract. Now the guy doesn't know this woman who wants him to be there 24/7 (not calling on your birthday was an extreme, even if he is bad with dates, he should have an alarm set for that day. Dude just never cared or stopped caring), he doesn't know this woman who wants him to catch cold whenever she sneezed and that's when things start to go downhill.
What am I saying, If you're going to be needy, be needy from the beginning, that way the dude knows what he is getting and you know what kinda guy you're getting. If you're going to be independent, don't stop halfway. There's no grey area here. if you're confused as to which to be, be needy.
"What am I saying, If you're going to be needy, be needy from the beginning, that way the dude knows what he is getting and you know what kinda guy you're getting. If you're going to be independent, don't stop halfway. There's no grey area here. if you're confused as to which to be, be needy."
That is one of the most unintelligent comments I've ever heard. Your advice, then to women is that they shouldn't want anything from men. So if you start out not wanting anything from him then don't ever want anything or need anything from him except what HE wants? Are we made of stone? As long as you're a human being , you're definitely going to need something from someone at some point in your life. You must have read the part where she said she realized that the things she wants were not huge things that needed doing.
Most, if not all of what you wrote in your second paragraph is just pure conjecture on your part. It is not for you to start rewriting her relationship for her so you can justify your chauvinistic theories. You switched from what you believe, to what you believe the guy believes – how did you know what the guy was thinking?
How do you know that the guy didn't give her the illusion of being the guy that she could rely on? How do you know that they had an unwritten contract which said "Thou, Eve, shall not rely on me , Adam , to do anything for thee in any situation whatsoever." You're putting words into both their mouths.
It's obvious that all you did was pick and choose what you wanted from her story to support the guy's attitude. Her problem was not her neediness or emotional needs or whatever. Her problem was this :
"When I need something done, he always bails. But when HE needs something done I'm his go-to person." – I'm just paraphrasing here by the way.
Whether both people are needy or independent is irrelevant. We have a case of a guy who clearly has no problem with being needy and taking without giving however, your take on the situation is that she is at fault for being herself?
Wow.
By the way, breach in contract terms is spelt as B-R-E-A-C-H, not breech.