Published on January 2nd, 2013 | by thetoolsman20
The Needy Woman
Hey people, Toolsman here. I had a very ‘interesting’ discussion with a friend yesterday about how women sometimes come off as being ‘needy’ and how this works against them. It let to a serious argument and so I decided to bring it up here today. To further help position the discussion, I found a letter someone wrote to the SBM team on the subject and I think it perfectly captures the scenario. Read the letter below and share your thoughts in the comment box. Cheers.
I recently got out of a long term relationship with someone who either wasn’t willing or wasn’t able to meet my needs. Not sure which was the case. I feel like I let him get away with doing the bare minimum and I eventually got tired of it, but it took a loooong time to get to that point. Something inside of me felt like I was entitled to more than he was giving to the relationship. But on the other hand, I had a hard time asking anything of him out of the fear of appearing/feeling needy. *Sidenote, I think some of us who were raised by single mothers learned that we were supposed to do things for ourselves and never expect to get much reciprocity from men.* For about the last half of the relationship I feel like I was carrying it all. He always had time for everybody else and tried his hardest not to disappoint them, but he could come up with all the excuses in the world for why he had to cancel our plans or couldn’t help me with something. Yet whenever he needed something, who do you think was the first to be called? Evidently none of those priority people, and he certainly had time for me then. But when I would tell him that I already had plans or couldn’t do what he needed he would lay a guilt trip on me about how I was the only person that he had. I would fall for that mess every time. Anytime I told him that I needed him to contribute equally to the relationship it felt like I was doing something wrong, like maybe I was expecting too much of another person.
I was informed by a good friend that I was confusing being needy with having needs. And when I think about it makes a lot of sense, because I didn’t really want anything over-the-top from him. I just wanted to know that my love was appreciated and for him to show me that I was important to him too. Didn’t get that, didn’t even get a call on my birthday. I had never really differentiated between the two terms before, but I do know that I’ve heard women being called needy left and right by their exes and love interests. Some of them I think actually were needy when I think about it. But others seem like they were merely expecting, ya know, a relationship where their man actually helps to maintain it. There are needy men and women out there, but it seems as though the word needy is used as a blanket statement against women, and no woman wants to ever be thought of as needy and some of us will try to avoid it at all costs.
So I ask, what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?