On Becoming A Pawn
Hey people, Toolsman here. It’s the last day of November and you know what that means? Yes? No? Ok, just wait till tomorrow then. I must warn y’all though; I lose several years from my age every December so, the little happy kid in me is going to be running things from tomorrow.
Today, I’m going to be in the background while my good friends @Qurr and @Sirkastiq drive the dialogue. I pray and hope they don’t do too much damage. Amen.
**************
Hey people, Sirq…. Oh, never mind. So, on one of those ‘power-less’ evenings, I was gisting with my brother and somehow, the conversation moved to him describing his recent-ex-girlfriend’s post-break up behaviour to me. From what he said, he seemed to believe she secretly hoped he would become a failure in life and in particular, his future relationships. Why? Well, I found myself asking the same question and he really couldn’t give me answer but he seemed to convinced and when I asked more questions, I realized he came about his conclusion as a result of certain things his ex was fond of doing.
It was sort of like a routine: do things that would make him jealous about her ‘game’ while simultaneously frustrating his own upcoming game and more or less making him a ‘boy-pawn’ if she succeeds.
What does it mean to be a pawn in all of this? Well, I first heard this when I brought up the topic with my good friend @Qurr. To properly explain this, I need to share some details on some of the things my brother’s ex got up to.
- Using his endearing nicknames during their private conversations months after they’ve broken up.
- Continuously offering details about her life (both necessary and unnecessary)
- He’s the one who always has to end phone calls and she almost always begins BBM conversations
- She is always very nostalgic and reminisces a lot about stuff that happened when they were a pair
- She continuously advertises her ‘sexual market value’ to him.
- Always demanding for his time, attention and she complains about the lack of it, like they’re still together
- Never directly says she misses him/them but tries hard to extract a statement of regret like “I miss you” (she might tempt him by saying how her friends have been asking about him, or how her dog misses him)
- She tells him or tries to suggest who he can/can’t date or flirt with and/or how it affects her
- She makes him feel guilty whenever he wants to or actually does score some tail even though she’ll kill every attempt he makes at getting a roll in her sack
Well, that’s just my brother and his ex. @Qurr, what do you think?
Sounds to me like she is taking the chance to express all the vices that she did not have an opportunity to express while in the relationship, from the safe distance of being an ex. Obviously the guy does not want to burn bridges. But what is the right zone to place an ex? Does the general notion that staying friends with an ex is a wrong move really hold water?
[Cue in a variant of the "Oh my commanding wife, she wants to destroy my life..." song by Los Rabanes; replace "wife" with "ex" of course.]
This is what we’d like to know: What stakes should an ex hold in your life? When is it overbearing? Does getting into a new relationship make things simpler? Or should one simply excommunicate the commanding ex?
Related Posts
Short Story: Gacy Jr. →
Short Story: A Woman’s Flame →
TRUST: A short story →
EX! It is very difficult to keep an ex in the 'friend zone' if ur relationship was very deep and you broke up for reasons like 'religion,tribe,…etc'. Is it easy to get over an ex when you go into another relationship? YES,it is easy but it is NOT healthy! Sometimes, letting go is the hardest thing to do especially when you realise that the other is trying to move on. This topic is too senstive. I'll stop here n read all your comments.
me, no?
I usually burn bridges and sweep d ashes away. We could always have cordial convos much laer aft d brkup!
Emmm..'Usually' would mean you do this often? Lol
*look at me now* …. going back to bed.
Keeping an ex as a friend really depends on how the relationship ended. If one party didn't want to break up, being friends is an absolute no, beacause that person would constantly be trying to find ways to make you feel guilty and also try to get back into your life. Speaking from experience, so unless it was based on mutual consent(it really can be!) Then let them out and close that door. Unless you want to be constantly harassed and reminded of the past.
How a relationship (and the eventual break up) was managed goes a long way to determine wether or not an ex c n remain friends.
Irrespective though, a cooling off period is required to let emotions go grey before communication/interaction channels are reopened to remain friends.
My conclusion is people who make bad Exes were going to be bad partners/spouses in the long run anyway, your break up simply brought out their vindictive/immature sides earlier.
I'd like τ̅☺ ask who initiated the break up.if she did then I guess shez just way in over her head.buh if he did then well…I'd say shez findin it difficult τ̅☺ deal and all shez doin is just puttin up a front.either ways the dude should draw a line.its possible to remain friends with one's ex buh for that τ̅☺ happen you guys have to redefine your relatinoship
LMAO @ "or how her dog misses him". Really?! And how wld she know that? i don't support burning bridges cause life could really play some nasty tricks but keeping an emotional distance makes sense.
Hi Anwuli, but what is a safe and acceptable emotional distance? No communication? Do shed more light dear..
Ex. Former. In the past. That's where he/she shud remain. No one is saying u shud be enemies, but they shud not hav any importance in ur life. Telling u who (not)to date?? Except u want to go after her sister(or mother), I don't thnk she shud hav the right. That ex shud be given the back seat. Immediately. Last row.
It shouldn't be difficult dealing with ex-es. It all depends on the kind of relationship you had and how you did break up. Guess I'm not saying anything new here. But then again, an ex still finds a way to have a room in your 2-bedroom apartment of a heart.
Way ke? Not when I change the locks. And who says my heart is a 2 bedroom apartment?
Like I always say, an Ex- shld always become an ex and never a y. (Dis is d point where u laf)
Ok for me I usually don't care how close we were, I would usually cut all forms of communication atleast for a while, till I'm able to come to terms with d fact that I dated an 'asshole'…:D them I might consider being friends. Of course this totally depends on how and why we broke up sha. But my ultimate rule is to stay away for a while.
You said, "…till I’m able to come to terms with d fact that I dated an ‘asshole’…:D them I might consider being friends"
Good point! What about when you are the asshole yourself?
from my experience it depends more on the kind of person your ex is and not so much on the relationship, my best friend is one of my exes and we broke up almost two years ago, the relationship however was a complete bust.
Meanwhile the most recent ex(who, by all standards i had quite a good relationship with) is the one that's hounding me, i gave it a while(a year) before communicating with her again, but its still as bad so excommunication is the way forward in this kind of situation.
About exes, I like to keep them not to far away. They have no say in my present relationships but they are there for some of that hay rolling when I'm really bored. My experience. :|
The choice of either staying away or remaining friends hinges greatly on the personalities involved and the circumstances surrounding the break up. I generally maintain a cordial relationship with my ex-es [except a few who think I shattered their world] but having a roll in the sack for 'old times sake' is a line I do not cross coz emotions could play a fast one on you. What I know is every past relationship plays a role in future relationships.
I'm really glad this topic came up.
At the early stages of my last relationship the preceeding ex before me was in constant touch with my ex. She would call to talk about her day, make him talk about his, complain that he never calls and what not. I found this highly irritating but then I attributed this to the fact that she wasn't aware that there was someone else in the picture. My point here is that an ex that thinks there's still a chance for her would act in this way.
Now, another ex (he was with her for about 4years) started being in constant contact with him. They'd talk for long hours (about her and her iSsues) on certain days, they'd BBM almost all the time. My understanding of this was that apart from the fact that I'm almost positive she had no idea that I was in the picture, there's the fact that they were together for that long and were friends long before they started dating. Now these two exes were not in the same town as this man and I. The former was a train ride away while the latter was an airflight or two away.Distance had done its own part of keeping these exes away from 'ruling' as it were.
If an ex stays in the same town as you, I think that in as much as one would like to stay friends, it iis necessary to be able to draw a line. If a guy is certain that he is not interested in getting back with an ex, he should not encourage her thinking or acting otherwise.
I have a friend that was involved with a guy who had just left his former gf. Things were getting serious between my friend and this guy and on her birthday he tweeted at her. Later on he told my friend that his ex said he shouldn't be tweeting at my friend! :s She said she didn't feel comfortable! BALDERDASH!!!
When my ex put up a picture of another woman that got me jealous, I didn't ask him to take it off, I took myself off seeing such.
An ex would only act overbearing if you let them.
I've written so much. I hope I haven't gone off course.
I shall come back to comment when I get a girlfriend(at last!) and then break up with her :(
It all depends on the situation. An ex shud remain in the past as an ex. There is nothing stopping them from becoming friends in needed but there has to be clear expectations as to what is required. You shudnt act in a way you did when you were together i.e. sex, cooking, cleaning, gifts, dates, and keeping in touch constantly. In fact any activities that defines an intimate relationship shud b discontinued
(YB) Your comment is one of the few really long but yet sensible ones I have seen in a while. :)
Errr this reply was for Rokhee :)
Thank you :)
#teamExcommunicateTheCommandingEx
No time.
Even if the break-up was your fault, you can only say so many "I'm sorry"s.
The other person is grown as well, and should be able to handle their feelings, whatever they are.
@ qurr. My asshole was in inverted commas means I don't mean asshole in d sense. And in any case, I've never been d asshole in any relationship EVER. I'm special like that! :)
If only we asked ourselves 'Why?'and were honest with ourselves about the answer.
An ex can be a friend but why? If any one still harbours hopes of rekindling the relationship and you begin to do the things you used to do… its a slippery slope.
If on the other hand you ask yourself why and come with an answer along the lines of 'this is a good person'. No frills, no hidden agenda, then I suppose its on the right track.
But like the post says and I agree with, a cooling off period is needed, regardless.
It's just weird that i thought about this same thing yesterday night.. Well, "to each his own" but then again there are some basics.. it depends on how serious the relationship was in the first place.. Truth is if the relationship was really deep, we dont expect anyone to get over him/her so fast and sometimes, like in my case, it might take 2 or more breakups to actually let the "break" sink in.
I, personally do not encourage communication after the break up if you wanna get over the person.. It's hard but if that doesnt happen, its either you are still in love or you were really never in love with the person…
Asides all of that, i guess you need to do what works for you…
For me, its never talking to them..am still tempted to every now and then, cos apparently am still in love. but i know its the best thing to do cos we broke up for concrete reasons..
There's so much more to say, but i'll stop here…
:) controversial post tho.. thumbs up tools..
There's a general belief that it takes about the same time to 'get over' an ex as was the duration of the relationship. I.e if you dated for a year, it will take about a year to get over him/her.
Does this hold true? Any such experiences?
I doubt if that's totally accurate.. cos people are different… plus the depth of the relationship too matters.. i dated someone for like 2 months and i got over him in a week.lol. if that counts…
Two things.
1) Like d Tank said a cooling of period is needed
2) All exes are not created equally. Some r worth keeping cos u know dy'll always want the best for you however some are so caught up in hate n drama that the best thing for them and u would be to excommunicate their crazy asses.
Victim.
Ego fuelling.
Symbiotic relationship.
From the post, it's obvious the guy is playing the victim and 'pretending' not to enjoy her attention when she's unconsciously fuelling his ego. It's a symbiotic relationship which works for both parties. If he doesn't like her intrusion as he 'claims', he should cut her off. But he doesn't because he thinks she finally realises his worth bla bla bla and he secretly enjoys her attention. He probably says to himself 'she still loves/needs/wants me' and so he doesn't delete her but whines to his friends that she's a pain.
Some people keep their ex around for reasons like these and use the term 'commanding' or 'pawn'. If it's uncomfortable, ex your ex. If it isn't, keep them around for the right reasons only.
so i never thought of it this way….
I find myself agreeing with you, PM.
Brilliant response!
Depends on the ex!
If its a whining EX…… EX the EX jor
But some ex-es are worth keeping! Cuz I mean u were together 4 awhile so there must have been friendship involved…. And sometimes those friendships are worth keeping!
The guy in the story is enjoying the attention. His ego is been greased. And he LOVES it no matter what he says!
@preyingmantis very well said. the male ego tho… an art work
I don't think the 'ego' issue is strictly the male preserve though. Just saying…
I'm friends with my exes from the longest rships. The ones that didn't last 6mths obviously were a waste of time.
For me to have dated u that means u had good qualities as a human being so why would I stop being friends with u.
Obviously at first after the break up we were both hurt and couldn't be friends but we got over it and are good friends now.
I subscribe to this train of thought…
Word!
@annie maybe ur right sha…buh its def more prevalent in them.
Again, u don't know that for a fact + it's not even something one can actually prove.
I don't think I agree much with the "it depends on how the relationship ended" I dated a girl for 4yrs (100level – 400level) We broke up in year 4 because she was graduating first and was being pressured to settle plus she was liking someone else. It was a messy split..Last year, I MC-ed her wedding. Today we still are friends.
I think its what is 'revealed' after the split that determines whether you can remain friends or not. When issues become unearthed, when 'ashiri' begins to 'tu' then you can either maintain a friendship or get to stepping.
I agree wt PM on ds. Most times, its d ego (for men) or the need (for women) dt makes us keep ex-es close after a break up. You had some kinda influence (physical, emotional etc). On this person in the past and maybe u r alone right now or the person u r with hasn't given u dt much room, so u kinda 'hold on' to past 'victories' (vanquished, conquered, newfoundland, if u may) till the new kid on d block fits that spec or exceeds it. Sometimes, u keep dem on forever, jus for that special flavour they bring wt d ego rub. It sounds sick articulating, but I think ds is one of d main reasons. Similar to y ladies keep encouraging a string of scopers they'd neva date (I'm female, so sue me :p)
But lik it has been said, as long as u r able to identify y u do it, if u do it, den fine. Jus don't come whining abt an over instrusive ex wen u keep fueling the flames afta they've gone quiet for 2mins. I for one blow up bridges. By d time the dust settles, there's new technology for auto-fold up ones. Heck, maybe even teleport! My take is, I did d route ones and chucked it, y am I still keeping the option open?? Plus I may think I'm over him, wat if he isn't quite over me? Too many reasons to stay way jare!!!
In my opinion, a break-up is consummated only when both parties have moved on to new partners (and are happy in the relationship). Anything before then would see one of the parties trying to gum gum back the pieces.
@Rokhee,….you have spoken well! God bless you!
Interesting comments all round! I also know a guy who keeps his ex around cos she likes the kondo and he is generous like that :|
@Qurr used the word "kondo"? Nah, men, I'm done commenting. Have to preserve my tushness on these streets now that I'm the only one left.
LMAO!!!!
I kinda agree with @Sirkastiq. The ashiri that comes after d breakup also determines if y'all would be friends!
But at the end of the day, its whatever rocks your boat!
This is exactly what is happening to me.. Left My ex for a year nw, Being Friends with him dint seem a bad idea back then, but now I think it is. He is now over bearing nd all up in my face, first it was cute bt nw ts sooo irritating. I think its better putting a gap btw "exes" nd for Okafor's law that doesn't work for me..
I used to think I could remain friends with my ex till my last r/ship which was 'realer' than the rest. The circumstances within which we broke up forced me to cut off all forms of communication. Some friends termed me immature but I'd rather do without all the memories of hurt, especially as he was manipulative. Sometimes, some exes need to be cut off considering that some of them wouldn't want you to move on with your life & wouldn't want to be with you either, even when you're disgracing yourself, pining for them.
@sirkastiq, I dunno if that holds true. It depends on what went on in the r/ship. If you were in an abusive r/ship for 9 months where your self esteem hit rock bottom, will the next 9 months after that be enough to get over all the hurt & restore your confidence to a normal level? #JustAsking
You guys have said it all, really enlightening. I think one of the reasons why we keep our exes around is for re-validation.
@sirkastiq well an emotional distance in my case wld be putting a gap between the persons involved till they are healed of the hurt and pain. At this point its safe to start communicating. Well it worked for me ………. Just saying
Am not sure am in d ryt position to comment but I will all the same……..av been #teamExtheEx fo a really loooong time until my last relationship!!! It was more real than any I'd ever been in! Wats sticky bout it is that a year aft we brk up,we are at it again despite all the 'ashiri' that 'tu'd,really messy ones esp what he said about me *shrugs*
Love sha!!
Anyways,I think if both parties can be mature bout the break up and realise that "No bragging" rights come wiv being friends afterwards,then its fine!! Me thinks that ur bruv was just being silly and childish,cos if she was really a bother he'd have taken her off his and his life!! I think what's really hurting his ego is cos she prolly hasn't grown the balls to ask for his "kondo",its kinda like an ego basher to him! Am sure the moment she does,all would be fine in his little world!!
The bottom line is,if the Ex doesn't have some form of usefulness in ur life(emotionally,mentally,careerWise wateva) Ex the Ex!!! No time
Ooh,did I forget to say pple don't become bad Ex's out of the blues…………………..situations and the way they wher treated,make them that way!!! When u mentally and emotionally screw wiv a person that put a lot on the line to date u in the first place,that's what u get in return!! Esp if they realise u nevr had good intentions towards them in the first place!! Gosh,I can go on n on bout this topic…..and stil not finish,Lol!!
My dear, you hit the nail on the head perfectly with this comment. #ThatWillBeAll
This topic….Hahaahaahaaa….reminds me of an Ex…Geez…loved the ego greasing aspect of our post breakup affair….enjoyed it so much….but mehn…as the babe i wasnt moving on!Kept me grounded….squashed up emotionally…My resolve…. burn all bridges after breakup…When the parties are sure there finally over the whole saga…den everything would naturally fall back into place….
Cnt bliv I'm jst readin dis..Saw sumtin that made me smile a while bk "An ex askin 2 be frnds is like a kidnapper askin Ʋ 2 kp in touch". That put things in perspective 4 me mehn