Published on July 15th, 2012 | by Terdoh4
Rounds 2012 WK 28
Good evening regular readers of this pseudo-news casting forum, and welcome to Rounds. Now sit down, we don’t have all day.
There has been some pretty dumb news this week, and we had a hard time bringing the worst of the worst to the fore. But we did our best. Anyways, the news:
Our country’s power supply is going to be handled by Canada. No really, Canadians are going to be in charge of our light because we are too incompetent to handle it ourselves. The bid for the take-over of the 17 successor companies of the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN) will open next week.
According to Prof. Nnaji (the Minister of Power), the federal government will next week also sign a Memorandum of Understanding with Canada-based Manitoba Hydro International Limited for the management of the Transmission Company of Nigeria.
The restructuring of the PHCN saw the emergence of 18 successor companies – six generation, one transmission and 11 distribution companies.
At least we will finally have light.
The wife of President Goodluck Jonathan, Patience Jonathan on Thursday said that she will be performing her duties as a permanent secretary in Bayelsa State from Abuja but with no salary earnings. Why? Because she can, b*tches!
“She is on leave of absence, She is not going to function in the office of the permanent secretary in Bayelsa state,” Mr Osinlu said.
“It is a civil service position; she is a staff of the Bayelsa state civil service,” he added.
Mrs Jonathan will also not collect any pay for the office, Mr Osinlu said insisting that “It will be illegal for her to draw salary from the office,”
Mr Osinlu argued that the appointment is a routine civil service career promotion, as opposed to insinuations that it is a political appointment by the governor to curry favour from the president’s wife, whom many believe was influential in the governors climb to his office.
Now, just pause for a minute here. Is it because the educational system is in disarray that they believe we are incompetent idiots that can just swallow everything? I don’t get how the Permanent Secretary of Bayelsa (a responsibility that involved constant hands-on work) is going to perform her duties all the way from ABUJA.
Another thing I don’t get is why they are trying to stress that she gets no salary. Everyone knows that Civil service is not about the salary, it’s about the benefits. She’ll probably be earning more in a month than some of us do in two years.
Arggghhh! This country…
R.Kelly’s Write Me Back and Chris Brown’s Fortune are the 2nd and 3rd international albums respectively released in Nigeria under the landmark partnership between Sony Music and MComm, with Nigeria being the first West African country to have three official international releases from the multiple award winning American artistes.
Confirming MComm’s exclusive promotion of R.Kelly’s and Chris Brown’s new albums in Nigeria, Chief Executive Officer of MComm, Chidi Okeke stated “We’ve still got a whole lot of surprises for our fans; this is just a little foretaste of what is to come,” he concluded.
My surprise is that they bothered to launch the albums here. Can someone please tell these BDSM practitioners that their albums launched here long before it launched anywhere else already?
In other news;
Twenty Ethiopians, including a prominent blogger, journalists and opposition figures were jailed for between eight years to life on Friday on charges of conspiring with rebels to topple the government, Barcelona striker Lionel Messi has won the Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Award (ESPY) for Best International Athlete, Wole Soyinka turned 78 yesterday, The mother of the hit makers P-Square passed away (Rest her soul), and tight jeans are bad for your testicles.
And now, to my favourite news article of the week, an Ogun State High Court sitting in Sango Ota on Thursday dismissed the N2 billion suit filed against David Oyedepo, of course you remember that he slapped a “witch for Jesus”.
You guys know that this dude has the best lawyers in the country right? You know how many times he has been sued in the past couple years? It doesn’t even faze him anymore… Anyway, back to the story.
According to the court most of the averments by the applicant were contrary to Section 115 of the Evidence Act which states that only facts and the description of circumstances could be stated in an affidavit.
The court also held that the suit was incompetent because the complainant, who was simply referred to as Justice, is not an identifiable person before the law and as such could not claim infringement of rights.
The court noted that the issue of slap as contained in the suit bordered on the law of tort and should not have been brought before the court through fundamental human right enforcement.
N20, 000 was awarded against the applicant.
20 grand? Haha! That’s what he eats in half an hour.
The prosecutor said he will consider filing an appeal to the court judgment.
He also said he will immediately petition the police to arrest and prosecute Mr Oyedepo for assault.
In case you’re wondering what this is about, In December last year, a YouTube video of Mr Oyedepo viciously slapping a young lady who admitted that she was “a witch for Jesus” during an altar call went viral on the internet.
A second video that surfaced days later showed the bishop justifying his action adding that it is “his ministry to slap” and that “if he sees another witch, he’ll slap.”
Why? Cos he can, b*tches…
In the WTF-Why-Is-This-News? segment,
The largest breasts in the world weigh more than an average 4 year old child.
ANNIE Hawkins-Turner is said to have a voluptuous breast seen to be way past the general DD measurement, and she is used to people being unable to look her in the eye — as she boasts the world’s largest natural breasts. Her gigantic size 102ZZZ assets weigh nearly 85lbs, each heavier than the average four-year-old child.
And she now makes a living from her unusual assets – starring in soft-core porn movies under the pun-tastic name of Norma Stitz.
Annie, originally from from Atlanta, Georgia, is known worldwide for her raunchy videos and gets plenty of attention in person as well.
Her sister Vernadine reveals: “When we go out, someone always wants to hook up with Annie!”
Her huge bust is the result of rare medical condition gigantomastia, which will cause her breasts to continue to grow throughout her life. She started to wear a bra when she was just TEN years old, and says she was bullied by other children at school.
They were just jealous baby. At that time they couldn’t even spell “boobs”.
And even now, her outsize chest causes her problems, suffering from pain and numbness in her shoulders and back if she stands for too long. But despite the issues, Annie says she has never considered having her bust reduced, explaining: “Why fix something that’s not broken?”
Tell ‘em Annie!
She is now returning to screens – appearing in US documentary series Strange S*x.
“My eyes are down here”
In more insanely dumb news, A samurai-sword wielding man who was shot by Michigan police after allegedly assaulting a woman and refusing to disarm himself has died.
Rest in peace, Kenshi.
Christopher Charles Burroughs died Friday as a result of gunshot wounds sustained on Thursday. Witnesses in Norton Shores, Mich., told the Muskegon Chronicle Thursday that the victim of the alleged assault, who witnesses identified as his girlfriend, fled down the street from Burroughs’ house with her face covered in blood.
Neighbor Alan Barber told ABC Muskegon that Burroughs came out of the house holding a 40-inch samurai sword over his head, refused to disarm, and taunted police.
“He said ‘shoot me’ so guess what? They shot him,” Barber told Michigan Live. “The cops shot three times and just blew him away.”
Muskegon County Chief Assistant Prosecutor Brett Gardner told the Associated Press that Michigan State Police are interviewing both police and civilian witnesses, and that the investigation will likely take several days.
Oddly, this is the second case of police shooting and killing a suspect that allegedly wielded a sword in the last 24 hours. Fox Baltimore reports that another man that brandished a sword and shield at police was shot dead late Thursday in Maryland.
Haha! “We do not negotiate with terrorists, or samurais.”
The What-The-Fuck?-Why-Is-This-News? section is open to all. So if you see something on the news on TV or read it in a newspaper/magazine, please send it to us (email@example.com) before midnight on Fridays along with your name and source and who knows, we might just use it.
@Cumical and @Sirkastiq signing out. See y’all next week.