Sins Of The Father – Sloth

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SINS OF THE FATHER 

THE SIN OF SLOTH. 

*

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The Man Who Can’t Be Moved

by @TheGreyGenesis

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I’ve come to find that reality is really overrated.

Dreams are all I have left.  Not the Martin Luther King type of dreams even. Those ones get you shot.

No, no.  Foolish ones.

You know those types of dreams where everything happens within everything then everything gets loopy and jumbled up and then something happens to you in the dream while happening simultaneously to you in reality and forcing you awake abruptly? Yeah those ones.

In this particular one, I was balancing a humongous fried chicken thigh between the entire expanse of my forefinger and thumb while preparing to take a bite. At the same time I noticed movement behind me. Turned out the fried chicken I was holding by the thigh was also incredulously somehow behind (and now larger than) me and it was holding me; its fried mouth perilously caressing the nape of my neck – the fried chicken I was about to eat was somehow also about to eat me. Eziokwu.

I smiled. It even seemed fair to me since I knew I was dreaming. Me? Nnamdi? To do biting competition with fried chicken? Ngwanu, I say bring it on. Let’s see whose teeth will pain who more. So I took a bite. And then pain shot through my neck as the chicken bit me too and I scream-jumped awake into reality…

…to find pain still lancing through my neck. Screaming “CHIMOOO!” I instinctively reached behind me with my arms and half-felt, half-grabbed the thing that was causing me pain. I heaved with all my might and flung it from behind me into the closed wardrobe opposite my matrimonial bed.

That was when a female soprano voice harmonized my “CHIMOOO!” with “YEEEE! OLORIBURUKU HAS KILLED ME OOOOO!” as my wife’s mother crashed into the wardrobe I had apparently just launched her into. I sat up straight in the bed trying to calibrate my mind quickly and understand the madness I had just woken up into.

There, on the floor in front of the wardrobe, lay my mother-in-law. Stunned from the impact and gasping for breath as she blinked slowly and stared at the ceiling. I jumped down confusedly from the bed and rushed to assist her in getting up.

“Alhaja! Wha– how? What are you doing here, mama?” I stammered as I offered a hand at her prone figure on the floor to pull her up.

“Who is your mama?! Foolish Fool! What am I doing? What am I doing, abi? Oloriburuku is asking me what I am doii—”

Mid-speech she reached for my outstretched arm and sank her teeth into my wrist. I lifted my head to scream and that was the position we were in when my wife ran into the room from the bathroom.

Afterwards, I sat on the bed and watched as my wife tried to calm her mother down. Alhaja was having none of it. She was screaming. I didn’t say anything. Just held the back of my neck where Alhaja had bit me and watched as the drama unfolded. I was tired.

Her sentences were heavily populated with “Lazy”, “Fool”, “Imbecile” and punctuated with “Oloriburuku”, “Omo Nna”, “Nyamiri”  or a myriad other demeaning, contempt-laced Yoruba adaptive words of insult. She finally pointed at the large clock hanging on top of my bedroom door.

“12:30 in the afternoon! On Monday! And you’re still in bed, Ehn? Oko jati jati? Instead looking for a job? Ehn Oloshi?”

I shook my head. Having heard the main reason for today’s episode and knowing the castigation wasn’t going to end anytime soon, I tuned her out for a bit, watching her without really listening.

See, that was not the first time that I’d woken up to find my mother-in law hurting, insulting or punishing me for one of the many offenses she kept insisting I take responsibility for.

For being lazy. (Abeg, Life is too short for wahala)

For being unemployed. (Cant she blame the government like everyone else?)

For lacking ambition. (Ambition is the mother of wahala)

For starting the wrong business. (A videogame centre in front of the house)

Then for quitting the wrong business. (Too much wahala)

For acting immature. (According to her)

For not being responsible. (Responsibility is just another word for wahala)

For being broke. (God will provide in his time)

For not taking care of her only daughter. (But I really love her and my children)

For not having a car. (My wife and I still use Alhaja’s car)

For not having a home. (We live in the BQ of my wife’s parents’ house.)

For having too many children in spite of my situation. (She threatened to cut my Penis off after our 4th child)

For liking food too much. (Doesn’t everyone?)

For my lack of communication with my own parents (My father and mother washed their hands of me the moment I insisted I was going to get married without their permission. They withheld their blessings not because I was a Christian marrying a Muslim. Not because I was Igbo and I was marrying into a Yoruba family. Not for all the normal reasons normal parents would object to their 30 year old son’s announcement of his intent to get married. They objected because they believed I was a lazy disaster waiting to happen to other people.)

Alhaja had seemed to come to a point where she would blame me for anything.  

For breathing even, if she could get away with it.

I looked up at Alhaja. She was still screaming, this time at my wife. Telling her how disappointed the whole family was with her choice of life partner. Asking her why she chose to stay with me. Rebuking her timid explanations of being in love with me. It was tiring.

They went on and on their voices were beginning to sound rhythmical and weirdly soothing to me. So I tuned them out again.

Maybe I am really what Alhaja thinks of me. But I cannot help it. It’s not laziness or stupidity. Here’s what’s really wrong with me…

I was born without the ability to be bothered.

I simply don’t know how to allow myself care about anything whose outcome I cannot change or influence. So I just embrace each day exactly as I find it. I don’t put ambitious efforts into a future that is yet unwritten, which may end up giving me cause to worry. What is tomorrow if not just a sack full of unnecessary wahala? I go about each day with the understanding in my heart that when the right time comes for something to happen for me, it will happen. But however well this belief has served me or worked for me in the past, it usually seems to bring out the animosity, hatred even, in every other person I’ve met in my life.

Everyone except my wife. The only person who’s loved me for my ability to not blow an internal gasket over things I have no control over. My wife actually loves my calmness and keeps believing I will find a way out of our financial problems in my own (and God’s) time. 6 years and 4 children later and it seems even though my wife’s patience is everlasting, her mother’s had run out.

But I certainly couldn’t kill myself because someone else was dissatisfied with my existence.

I wonder sometimes if Alhaja even thinks about how I feel about all this. Did she think I would intentionally be happy about being unemployed? For God’s sake I only sleep so much because I want to shorten the hours in each day. But God forbid I tell her such. She’ll probably send me to him that same day.

For everything I’ve ever been accused of by Alhaja, I’ve always had a good rebuttal. I just couldn’t be bothered to explain myself.

One time she set up a job for me at her friend Alhaja Memunat’s office and I stopped going to the office within a month employment. If I hadn’t been the type who cannot be bothered, wouldn’t I have told her that Alhaja Memunat only gave me the job because she wanted me to service all her parts that Alhaji wasn’t servicing and hadn’t serviced in years? Like 3/4 times daily.

Or that time when I was supposed to go pick the kids up from school and I arrived at home from work at night. Only to find out my wife assumed the kids had been with me all day after school. And the kids were still in school. At night. If I could have been bothered I would have told my wife’s mother, after she poured one pot of hot egusi soup on me that night, that the reason I forgot the kids in school was because I was at the job she got for me, servicing my boss as was asked of me. But I was tired and the soup was very hot.

Or that time when I got hit by a strange car and had to be hospitalized for about 2 weeks. If I could have been bothered, would I not have told my wife AND THE POLICE that I clearly saw my wife’s mother in the driver’s seat of the vehicle that nearly ended my existence?

But I am what I am. And I know that unless a change (or a miracle) happens or I become bothered enough by this weird and abusive relationship my mother-in-law was subjecting me to in my own marriage, no one would truly be happy.

Still, even though I knew such a day must come, I couldn’t be bothered to let today be that day.

As I tuned out of my thoughts and back into the drama in my bedroom, a curious thing began to happen. The more I stared at my mother in law and my wife, the lower the volume of their conversation became. I tried to squint at them to see if that would reduce the volume of my mother in law’s heated rant even further.

IT WORKED! Now I was watching their conversation but I couldn’t hear a single thing. Then something else happened.

The fried chicken from my dream earlier appeared beside my wife’s mother, its actions and movements mirroring her speech and gesticulations.

Still surprised, I squinted harder and before my very eyes, my mother in law and the human sized chicken started merging together. Until they became one big piece of chicken. Eziokwu.

The chicken suddenly became agitated. It walked round the room and lifted the large wall clock off its hook and hefted it above its head, all the while jabbering at me without sound.

A split second before it threw the clock at my head, sound was restored in my mind and I heard my mother in law’s voice from the chicken’s mouth.

“Can you imagine? THE OLORIBURUKU HAS SLEPT OFF AGAIN!!!”

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Comments
  • Avatar
    tommiegal

    first!

    June 16, 2013
    • Avatar
      intelcentral

      (y)

      June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    inem

    Second

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    wura

    Nice and funny!

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    nijezie

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO™ The Idiot has slept off again

    June 16, 2013
    • Avatar
      tommiegal

      Classic, eh?

      June 16, 2013
    • Avatar
      highlandblue

      LOL I almost cried at that line my days what did I just read

      June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    tommiegal

    This really cracked me up! And in the midst of ll the drama, the Oloriburuku slept off again? Very slothful bastard! Great job man!

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    bxnkole

    LOOOOOL! I read this in church. These ushers will know better than to put me in front seat again. I’ve never laughed so hard at a post. Good One.

    June 16, 2013
    • Avatar
      tommiegal

      Ha! Laughing at a TNC post in the House of God?Who gets 'konked": you or the TNC Crew?

      June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    FolaDee

    This is d funniest post dis week

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    thetoolsman

    hhahahaha.. this is stupidly hilarious…

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    Basooh

    This line “I was born without the ability to be bothered”….. Gat me in stitches

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    hahishaa

    I laughed out so loud, thankfully I was alone while reading. The dude’s really the man who can’t be moved! Very Apt!

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    sophie

    Lmao…the chicken morphed into his mother in law after she bit him on the neck…I’m seriously bothered on his behalf

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar

    looooooooooooool. oh. my. God

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    Conatheist

    LMAOOOOOOOOOO! Too hilariousm

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    solar 74

    I just have to put up a comment for the first time. This is so hilarious. I was laughing out loud at a party. Funniest post ever on TNC. By the way, I'm a quiet addict.

    June 16, 2013
    • Avatar
      thetoolsman

      Thank you for reading…

      June 16, 2013
    • Avatar
      Resquared

      Lol at quiet addict! I think there are quite a few of us.

      June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    Star

    Lmao. Fantastico.

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    Raymond

    The script is one of my favourite bands.. I take their music seriously.. I could however not refrain from chuckling cheerily at this piece aptly titled after one of their songs.. A story like this can simply not be told any better. P.S I love Fried chicken too 😀

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    ayanfalu

    LOOOOOL. “ THE OLORIBURUKU HAS SLEPT OFF AGAIN!!!”

    The best! Just THE BEST!!!!!!!

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    Sholape

    Loooolz,@and the soup was very hot. He should work and get some money to buy and fry that chicken he keeps dreaming about.

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    highlandblue

    LOL @ the soup was very hot. Hahahahahahaha

    June 16, 2013
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    Kai kai kai!!! I haven't laughed this hard since I saw a picture of Ibadan kids singing "parent risten to your shidren; we are the lizards of tomorrow".

    This post, although hilarious kinda reminds me of a 40yr old friend of mine. I swear, all his excuses are the same. The only difference is that he actually admits he's lazy and even refers to himself as Garfield.

    But still, dreaming about a chicken thigh you are about to eat and its about to eat you to just takes the crown. The 'Eziokwus' didn't even help the matter.

    I'm laughing again.

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    Eghosa

    ….that last line is epic! Hilarious piece!!

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar

    Hehehehehe *wipes stray tear*

    The reason I like dis dude is that his laziness isn't d type where he calls one of his kids from another part of Lagos to help pass the controller that is inches away from him but rather the type where he can't be bothered about an outcome he can't change or influence

    Thanks @Grey. Hilarious

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    chuka

    This is really coool..

    Something funny after all the morbid posts on greed,pride and like themes…

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar

    Hahahahahahaha smh

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar

    This is the funniest TNC post ever!!
    Lmaaaaooooo!

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar

    Hahaha. I'm in stitches men. This na real oloriburuku.

    June 16, 2013
  • Avatar
    student

    Lmaoooooo… That last line was just too funny!

    June 16, 2013
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    Irekpita

    Oh dear Lord! I am in stitches mehn. I agree this is TNC's most hilarious post. What does "I was born without the ability to be bothered.", even mean?
    This is the height of being slothful.

    Well done @GreyGenesis

    June 17, 2013
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    gboukzi

    Looool. I expected this so I'm not very surprised. TheGreyGenesis is one hilarious guy. This is effortlessly funny. The story is quite easily told. A very welcome break from the 'seriousness' of the other posts. Good job.

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    lordfiddler

    "I was born without the ability to be bothered.." – That line there is just something else. The personal justification the guy has convinced himself is the reason why he is the way he is.
    Lmao!!!! This guy is something else!!! I could see him dozing off while his wife & her mom were bickering but I kept telling myself "It's a lie! This fool cannot be this bad!" till the mother-in-law sent the wall clock hurtling towards his head!!
    #Classic! #EpicLaziness! … and to be an ibo man at that…*smh*

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    lordfiddler

    You know sloth always usually comes across as pathetically annoying in real life, but the writer here aptly put us in the mind of the sloth himself! You can now see the kind of amusing machinations that take place in his skull and his interpretations of "life-scenarios".
    Very nicely written #IMO and effectively communicated. The guy is actually a nice guy if I might interject…lol!! He just has a rare gift; The Inability to be Bothered.

    June 17, 2013
    • Avatar
      intelcentral

      Yeah Ryt!!!

      June 17, 2013
  • Avatar

    LMAOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar

    OMG!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

    This is a very very hilarious story!! Thank you, TheGreyGenesis for this lovely writing. You have increased my lifespan by a few hours. I haven't laughed this hard in days!!

    So many funny phrases and clichés…"Oloriburuku has slept off again!" LWKMD!!

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    intelcentral

    Mehn dis is totally hilarious! Beautiful write up.

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    khaleesi

    lmaoooooooo! im actually at the salon and I keep laffing n moving my head, this guy will soon slap me!

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    Feolu

    LMAO! This is worth sharing. I can’t read this alone. Great writing! A good break from the sordid themes.

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    IjebuAccountant

    I particularly like the list of wahala and his excuses. Damn! The guy has an excuse for everythang!!

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    Afoma

    LMAOOOO. SUCH EPIC LAZINESS!! He cannot be bothered! And all the "eziokwu"s were just so funny to me. Great job!

    June 17, 2013
  • Avatar
    T.J

    hahahahhaahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
    OMG.
    This is a classic
    nice 1

    June 18, 2013
  • Avatar
    DontAsk

    The chicken removed the wall clock from its hook? i died right there. lmfao

    June 18, 2013
  • Avatar
    shola

    Chimoooo…kai….u too much abeg

    June 19, 2013
  • Avatar

    Am I the only one who wasn't moved to gales of laughter? 🙁

    Good story though. I love how he keeps getting called Oloriburuku. I even thought it was his real name. The guy sef dey try o. Igbo boy for dat matter. Tueh!

    June 19, 2013
  • Avatar
    Tiwalade

    Haha.

    June 19, 2013
  • Avatar
    toborex

    Wow a can a person be this lazy?
    Great post!

    June 19, 2013
  • Avatar
    musingsofagidimallam

    LMAO! That end…THE BEST!

    I got what I expected form you Dami. Well done you maniac.

    June 19, 2013
  • Avatar
    xavier

    Loool…congenital inability to be bothered. This piece was a very good read..EPIC.

    June 20, 2013
  • Avatar
    toborex

    Wow a can a person be this lazy?
    Great post!

    June 20, 2013
  • Avatar
    Ezinne

    LOL… can't stop laughing. Nice one.
    @tiki it was funny, the sarcasm wasn't warranted

    June 20, 2013
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    feyi

    LMAO! I read this at work…I was laughing so hard my colleagues thought I was crying. My fav part is when he was in hospital for 2 weeks cus his mil tried to kill him by running him over…rotflmao!!!!! Classic…it is a true

    July 5, 2013
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    naijaeclectic

    Lol. Flipping amusing post there. Seriously…he slept off?!

    July 5, 2013
  • Avatar
    perosoye

    The mother(murderer)-in-law trying to kill him by running him over kinda reminded me of Grandma Mazur in Janet Evanovichs’s Stephanie Plum series, a crazy woman. The last bit got me cracking up. Gotta sleep now church tomorrow.

    September 29, 2013
  • Avatar
    Wura

    LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ''The soup was very hot''

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!

    This was such a wonderful read.

    May 14, 2014
  • Avatar

    It’s going to be finish of mine day, except before ending I am reading this great post to increase my knowledge.

    April 29, 2015
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