The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 3 & 4)
The one who cheated – (By @thetoolsman)
I cheated.
There.
I said it.
I’m not even going to lie.
And it was well worth every second.
Every time I looked down at her and saw her thick lips wrapped around my penis; I smiled.
That smile I hadn’t smiled in years.
Every time I ran my fingers through her freshly waxed legs; I smiled.
That knowing smile telling me I was fucking a woman
And when I flipped her around, hands and knees on the bed, face in the pillow,
I didn’t hear that familiar murmur, that grumbling voice telling me to stop.
So I thrusted as deep and hard as I could
I kept going till she said my name
Tunde…
Oh… Tunde…
I like that.
She liked it.
Aisha, your best friend of over ten years liked everything I did to her.
My penis. Liked everything she did to him.
But did I? Really? Did I want this?
Why did you have to change?
Blowjobs went with our first year anniversary.
“Let’s save something for marriage”, you said.
Waxing your legs (or any other body part for that matter), stopped after I proposed.
And then you took away the doggy.
You just wanted to lie on your back all the time no matter how much I complained.
Sex with my wife or sex with a MAN?
Aisha made me feel heterosexual again.
Yes I cheated.
There. I said it again.
My Condoms (By @CapoeiraPanda)
My condoms are too cheap.
*sigh*
That’s what she told me this morning.
She said she didn’t want my penis going into her wrapped up in these “four for fifty naira gala wrappers”.
This is the last straw.
My condoms are too cheap. Really?
I mean, who complains about the cost of the condoms as long as the sex is good?
I mean, a penis is a penis right?
Ok, I take that back…
But of course, now she can be selective.
Rather, now she can AFFORD to be selective.
Now she can. Or well, Chief “I don’t know his name but he has plenty money” can.
She always did like good and expensive stuff, but she knew I couldn’t afford to buy them for her.
Is that the only reason why she did it?
Was it only for the money?
Someone call me naïve (sharrap there!), but it isn’t all supposed to be about money is it?
What about love?
What about feelings?
I always treated her right. Loved her, respected her, never cheated on her.
No, I’m serious. I never cheated. Let’s just say my penis was working in line with my heart on this one.
Speaking about my penis, she always called him her “Boy Wonder”.
So I KNOW the sex was good.
Wasn’t that enough? Love? Good sex? What happened to the “Power of the P…”?
Oh…wait…that only applies to women doesn’t it?
I told my friend about it when I found out.
He said: Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms…
I thought I’d be able to handle it…maybe forgive her…maybe let her be.
But then, on Wednesday, Boy Wonder wouldn’t get up for her.
It was strange. I guess he was working with my heart again.
I thought it was just a slight problem…a temporary glitch…
But then, it happened… (Or I should say it didn’t happen again) on Friday
And this morning, when I finally got it up, she said she doesn’t like my condoms.
My condoms are too cheap.
Really?
Hey guys, have to say a huge thank you for all the great comments we received yesterday. Here’s scene 3 & 4 dwelling on issues even more common in our society today. Too many times the menfolk get all the blame whenever they cheat, but maybe, just maybe there’s more to it. And as for the cheap condoms, I’ll let you guys comment on that. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.
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hi nonso :P
:|
o and, a woman shld never take away the doggy….this is what life has taught me
I wonder what else life has taught you… actually you know what.. never mind..
Pls do shed more light on life's 'valuable' lessons na? :D
Of cheap condoms and randy penises
And the penis saga continues……..
Scene 3: this happens a lot, d hot chicks turn in2 wrapper and hairnet girls d minute they get comfortable………guys r guilty smtyms as well…from d minutes of foreplay, touchn n teasn to wham, bam, grunt n snore.
Scene 4: "4 for 50naira gala wrappers" LOL…..
as long as its not animal skin/nylon/dem reusable/thrust n break type.
We know we are but this is the Penis Monologues so…:)
Cheap condoms, expensive condoms..who gives a flying *#4%! practice safe sex #thatisall.
Nice one man..The Panda killed it.
And i'll say this for the ladies and the men out there: You give your best in the relationship because you want to keep the man(or woman), as the case may be, and it all goes out the window when you get married. You just turn sex into a chore and it becomes a lazy,monotonous act. Think again because that is a recipe for disaster. There's always a long john or sexy she-devil who can make it happen out there. Beware..
..And the saga continues..'Tools'u know now, u 'deliver ALWAYS' and I don't mean babies or sanitary pads..but u went all 'red' on it.. 'Panda': "she can AFFORD to be selective" haha! She could aid in the 'wrapper' buying afterall she's d one complaining..lol.. Nice one man! Nice!!!
Lwkm4h … " Four for 50 naira gala wraps" asin !!! dead x_x guess boy wonder didn't get up cos he was tired of being used …
Nice read …:)
Scene 3 is most common reason why married men cheat. Even though i can't personally relate to it cos i'm not married yet, i could so totally do same if i was in @thetoolsman's shoes. Afterall, a married man is still 50% single, right?
@ the Panda; Don't mind her joh! I have even heard that gold circle is the best condom out there. (Even though i disagree) I have to say it's not the worst. The emphasis is safe sex for you. For ur babe however, it's the money. Thank God ur "Boy Wonder" has started malfunctioning. He has feelings afterall…
My question: What's the point of all these expensive flavoured condoms anyway? It's not as if Madam has got taste buds in her V-jay-jay!!!
Nice job guys!
Bad sex isn't the main reason married men cheat. Do you think the reason why single guys in relationships cheat is different from why married guys cheat?
I am married,I am unfaithful. All the unfaithful guys I know (single & married)cheat mostly because they can & there is a steady supply of girls who don't mind sleeping with another woman's man. Simple
I've also said this before but sex seems to get all the attention.. I'd have to deal with this issue later..
Nice 1 awizi, nice 1 tools-man and loving zara's comment, a woman who appreciates the power of the doggy. Thumbs up
@ katie … Reusable :s how na …
side note….if you love the doggystyle girl,you are a keeper…I will love you, do your laundry, follow you to the market hell I will buy your pads for you, just give me the ass from the back with that naughty sly look and…where the hell am I?? #movingon :|
Yeah, I can connect to these,most times when men cheat it's cos the relationship's gotten boring,and we're all cursed with a low boredom threshold. As for C_Panda's piece,nostalgic ish man, had an ex who found some Yankee returnee talking marriage, then my gifts became too cheap. . .never got 2 d condom stage tho. All in all, gud writing, today's pieces seem more reflective than yesterday's. Big ups bros,lemme go follow y'all.
"And she took away the doggy"(lol)…ladies that's a no no!!….
Cheap condoms r rude I'm sorry. Why do men buy expensive shoes? Y can't they just buy aba made shoe afterall 'as far ur feet are covered'??? If u r gonna do her, do her right!she's worth d extra bucks
@slevin, some mags and drs actually say he should still have a condom on when she's down there… That way, she is not at risk for oral herpes and etc… Guess that's what the flavoured condoms are for… Besides the aroma's very pleasant, can be a great afrodasiac…
I kinda understand scene three sha, even as a female… Nice post as usual!!!!
I'm inspired! I'm gonna write my own penis monologue remix… I'll call it wanderlust… :D
He said: Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms… CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!!! TESTIFY!! And yes! We love our prada bags..and he isn't the only guy that can fuck..so that solves it! And as for the randy husband..NOTHING justifies cheating to me.the moment it all got boring, like watching okro draw, no new thngs, he should have told her(acc to the write-up he didn't do naythng about it) some women aren't inclined to sex naturally, so the guy has to work..I think communication solves most problems. He should have said something. DEATH TO AISHA the friend!! She can never prosper! The Devil would use Evostick gum on her womb! Nonsense! The toolsman–ur blog is the best there is! *fistbump*
*RaisesHand*
uhm, isn't this a prime example of a double standard? It's justifiable that she cheated on him for money, but there's no acceptable reason for "tunde" cheating?
Hmmm…
Nah! I dint say that oh! Yes! I believe there should be no justification for cheating, but that doesn't mean there are no reasons! The prada issue is a reason, might evn be silly but its a reason so is the sex issue,my point here is these kind of excuses won't cut it since the other party gets hurt in the process. n
Err.. did you miss this bit:
"You just wanted to lie on your back all the time no matter how much I complained."
Im not trying to justify what he did.. but he did complain.. severally too..
Oh and LOL @ "The Devil would use Evostick gum on her womb"
OH! X_x! I missed it! Sorry!!! Now I'm shy!! X_x
And the good writing continues!!
Love it! Panda I cn totally relate to ur story.had a chic who wuldnt shag unless u used rough ryder or 3 for 150 quid condoms.sheesh…
Tools hit d boredom nail on d head.Ladies take note;most men's attention span's shorter dan dat of a bored teenager on drugs.
Jadesola why so vicious?
Its jst a blog men…#whyumaddoe?
Everyday, Every month, every year we complain about how hot girlfriends turn to hairnet, wrapper & sometimes overweight madams, ladies please understand that you cannot relax after the chase, remain hot & u have a high probabilty of keeping your man from cheating, remain exciting & spontaneous & increase those figures. Otherwise……..
As for cheap condoms? No Comment.
Ah. Yes! much more reflective this time. And equally well written. I can understand why one would cheat…When you find yourself living with a different person from the one you married. In fact i think taking away any prior agreed upon sexual/emotional/personality acts/behaviours without due cause amounts to a marital breach of contract. Ladies and Guys have to work together to keep stisfying each other. If you must change…change together. Well Done Toolsman!
Panda, Panda! Condoms are too cheap? ILLGLJ!!! (i laugh like Goodluck Jonathan)
Sad but true. a lot of the time, material things mean a lot more to us than the intangible. Money is VERY important but its not ever… you know what? I wont even finish this statement. Its either you get it (you have some feelings) or you dont (youre a money grubbing whore)
Thats my Two cents. use it to buy pure water if you like.
Once again. Well done boys!
ILLGLJ!!! ..lol.. never seen the man laugh tho…
At this rate we'll start buying condoms by prada, LV or audiger @ the palms :O
…."There’s always a long john or sexy she-devil who can make it happen out there. Beware"…..u said it all man.say NO to constant 'Missionary' in marriage n dontchu ever stop d Doggy!
How dare she take away doggy! LOL.
Looking forward to part 5 & 6
lmao…
scene 1: but why will sex positions reduce after proposing? there shall be wahala oh..
scene 2: i hear girls complain about cheap condoms; priorities gone wrong..
Neva take away d doggy…..ℓ☺ℓs….
Lmaoo !!Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms…
Lol!!!!! ILLGJ??? Nice one @thinktank
"He said: Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms…" LWKMD!!!!!!
Love it!
go on padre..tell 'em who's boss! Take away the doggy, the dog in me dies for u!!
I think the ladies fux with this statement a whole lot :
"Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms"
ain't nothing a good penis can't do.
Scene 3 you're a greedy pelzin! Her friend! Ahan! Why not just find someone else rather than her friend.
Scene 4..I feel really sorry for the guy..my advise is to man up and buy diamond encrusted condom too na..work harder so you'll be like chief! Haha! *jokes but umm she might love you but the money is usually the reason babes are glued to the 'chief'.
BOOKMARKED!
So it woulda been alright if he chose someone else?
Well….partly
@ Nengie. Oh why oh why do the doctors have to say that? I'd imagine it'll be like licking a lollipop with the "rapper" still on. Do people actually do that? Seriously?? And if you must have a sweet smell, Scented flower petals/candles can do for that one jare…
*raises hand* Ummm a lollipop can reduce in size and finish but a penis can't. And why did toolsman use my name? :(
Nice. I preferred this one.
"Oooh Tunde
I like that"
Awwww ehya. When will women ever learn?! *sigh*
LMAO. jADESOLA DON KILL ME!!!! O BINU NI SHA!!!!
LOVELY ONE AGAIN TODAY. tHUMBS UP TO TULA AND CAPOIERA PANDA..
*gasps* she took away the doggy ?!?! How could she ?! Love the write-up .. Great job guys.. And yh , death to Aisha .. Slow and painful death
LOOOOOL!!!, Admeon, y soo vicious, slow and painful Death?? LOL
LOOOOOL!!!, Nike, y soo vicious, slow and painful Death?? LOL
Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms” <——— Do i look like her father? if she wants expensive stuffs she can go ask her parents. we ain't married so no expensive stuffs from me. kmt, its all about money to girls, i pity most of them. If your father or mother cant afford it then don't ask your boyfriend (until you get married).
If you can afford it and you are just stingy then God will punish you,
i ma alreday seeing signs of a stingy ass bf here
hiss
ROTFL!! Thank you my sisteh!! Either u a broke ass or yhus stingy!! Hahaha! Except I missed that part of the babe fucking her father..-f she fucks ha father na diffrnt case!!r
A guy who asks "Am I your father" will also ask, "Why don't I get the hawt chicks?"
It is not about morning to girls, it is about care & gift giving is indicative of caring.
"You wanna fuck her, is she your wife?"
If you want sex with no finance, wait until you get married…shikena!!
I will stop asking my boyfriend for things my father wont give me the day my boyfriend stops asking me for things i dont give my father…..
scene 3….na wa for u o..like jade said,u r very greedy..y her friend??y not sm1 else…u have entered one chance niyen o. ..i wonder y she woulda taken away the doggy tho….doggy is "almost" every womans best…
scene 4..pls wat are u still waitin for???dump her ass and look for sm1 "BOY WONDER" wld get up for o jare
nice1 tools..def better than scenes 1 and 2
Nice post tools and panda….brilliant.
i don't even know what to say! **continues hitting the nail on the head with sledgehammer**
Yes love,respect nd a well functioning penis can't buy Prada bags n expensive condoms…..#Gbam
@KK is it her father dat is fucking her?? Abeg Kmt
Yes n death 2 Aisha…. nd No woman shld ever take away d doggy.. Thumbs up 2 Tools
All I know is that I'm NOT letting any cheap wraps touch my prized possesion either………
I am that girl that always goes "can i see that" while turning the condom wrapper around, because, condoms arent 100% safe and the likelihood of a cheaper one breaking is higher…….
Plus, it reeks of "CHEAP"…. If you cant buy Prada bag, U can at least buy better condom….Sheeeesh!!!
Let me burst your bubble girl, condoms don't break by themselves, it is the poor handling of condoms that results in breakage. That talk about condoms not being safe is all crap. If you doubt me, buy the cheapest condom around, pour a litre of water inside, watch it enlarge bigger than any dick you met (I hope) tie condom up and leave for 1 week. Come back and check for any breakage or leakage. I know this because I am a certified HIV/AIDS Peer educator.
But I agree, if he is buying the cheapest condoms, then he isn't likely to buy your a Prada bag
I'm actually going to try this 1 litre water/condom experiment…… I will!!
And while at it, i'm going to make sure i make a grand show of me buying condoms in boots….. I'd loudly ask the attendent where the condom section is, then i'd chew gum noisily while waiting at the till to pay *all the while flashing them condoms*….. BECAUSE why? Becuase, I need evryone to think Ah, the lucky girl is going to get laid tonight…
I DIGRESS ALREADY?…Sorry, all this penis/condom talk is making me dizzy…*sigh*
@Onome: Is he the only one enjoying the sex? why do we all think sex is a one party thing? it takes two to have sex. He is fucking her well and obviously she is enjoying it but she still needs the money…abeg spare me. (na JOB?)
@KK, yeah both of you enjoy the sex but she most likely has a lot of guys in line waiting to fuck her and make her special at the same time (with a Prada bag) than you have a choice of ladies begging to fuck you & not be interested in you spoiling them.
Thumbs up tools, scene 1…i can only imagine wat it wud feel like doing jst d same thing ova n ova, *arrrgh*….and as for the prada bag babe, cheap condoms…i mean seriously??? If na flavour she want, go give her bitterleaf flavoured condom lolz…
Yh,uhhhh i'm a Boy wonder…..#okbye
Truth is, it's even the friends that give it up most willingly,must be the forbidden fruit thingy working.
Lmaooo @loffy bitterleaf flavour
But really "who tnks of taking away d doggy?"..dat aint rite..
Bout dem cheap condoms…no comment but..gold circles are like barb wire….
Nice write up!!….*am horny already…for d doggy*
heres to the doggy, hairpulling, hitting the right spot DOGGY
anyday anytime
THATISALL
haha…on point. This would kill if there was a female guest-blogger on it. hehe.
Lol. It's the penis monologues bruv…vagina monologues are for women…at least I think so…
@ the dude who said she can like to collect prada bags from her papa, may otokoto use your prick to do kpomo. Mscheeeeeeew!
Ehen! Lovely as always,I can totally relate to scene 4. I fought tooth and nail until my bf stopped buying that stuff. Gave him an ultimatum and well…Shit is just gross.
Scene 3 *gasp* she took away d doggy? Alu!!! Who does that? We aint done boogying till my face is in that pillow and I'm doing d 90degree…errr…that's what its called innit? :/
*Big groupie hug for both of you* you clean blew me away Panda,had no idea you wrote this good. I'm on to you. Gimme a link please.
Cheers :*
So to be very technical,its not really bout the condom being cheap but it being over 'latex'! And that does absolutely nothing for me!The pot gets dry like a pot on fire as soon as it catches a glimpse of GOLD CIRCLE!YEA I SAID IT!and I think@lagos hunter has the right mentality I need to see in Nigerian men,sorry boiz!enough wiv the 'am I your father' mentality'.
4 for Fifty naira Gala Wrapper.. now that just gives cheap sex a whole new meaning entirely… And then Aisha… how can she take away the doggy? that should be in violation of the Sex Act agreed upon in the Garden of Eden convention.. I guess everybody got their reason.. Cheat away…
Good stuff… Toolsman and the Panda.
@KK abeg Kmt…. so even if u both enjoy d sex,u can't make her feel special ehn….. Only broke boys talk lyk dis sha..
MIND BLOWING…
Another great job…nice one from @Capoeirapanda…oh n BTW r Ʊ rili a capoeirista?
I nw (sorta) understand y married men cheat. Its hard 2 kp d doggie tho. All y'all shld tk a moment n imagn ur moms or youngest aunts bent over. It all boils down 2 d fact dt sex shdnt b a found8n.
As 4 the cheap condoms, experiments (dnt ask) v shown tht goldcircle is more durable than ruff rider. It never breaks. Ruff rider cnt stand ruff riding. (•͡.̮ ~͡)
Lwkmd…take away the doggy, and I'm out of the door! Both ladies and guyz need to realize that healthy sex will make d relationship more healthy, luckily for dem boyz, its easier to find d next aisha who is willin to wrap her mouth round boy wonder..and trust me d more u get it frm aisha, d quicker dat part of ur brain dat says wife/gf gets formated. As for d cheap condoms..wonders shall never end, I mean, its understandable to be superficial over bags, shoes, cars e.t.c but condoms…there's somethng wrong there…nice one guys, this is one blog I'm going to be reading for a long long tym, lookin forward to abija sharing some us of his escapades w us soon
1 durex pack will get me 10 packs of G.C.. Abeg sex na 50/50.. U sef dey carry condom waka…
IMO, it only when a babe doesn't like u she gives excuses..
No babe told 2face 2 wrap up.. Babes still dey beg d guy 4 im sperm..
Aspa marriage… Get a side chick.. God help us all
Can't belive I'm commenting! But wow! This was hilarious! Who takes away d doggy? Doggy is fun! I love d doggy :D Lying on my back is boring and it doesn't bring me to d big O! That aside, Cheap ass condoms?? Hello! That shit will dry u up! D first time he introduced it, he never tried it again.Besides, durex and ruff ryders have extra sensitivity and stuff to make it all the more pleasurable. Gold circle? U might as well just put a Nylon bag on it!
All said and done, I'm loving u guys!!!
I'm just gonna talk abt d cheap condoms. I think d kind of condoms used depends on d amount of respect u accord d babe to b shagged. I think it shows how classy or otherwise u might be. Just like someone said earlier, if d purpose of wearing shoes r to cover ur feet, u can as well go for aba made shoes. I think it depends on d sort of parols d guy is doin. For me, ther r some girls I'll b too ashamed to bring out gold circle for, while for others I really wudnt care. I think its just about class and not d durability/strength. Everything stated here reflects JUST my opiniom tho. Nice write-up Toolsman, u just got urself another fan.
Katie couldn't have put it any better! The "wrapper and hair net babe"… The "bam, grunt and snore guy". It works both ways. Both parties may change after marriage.
Errr…its not only girls that take away the doggy after marriage…what of men that can't perform the doggy cus their pot bellies are in the way…hell, they can't even see their penis while standing!
Pls pls pls, do not use a 3 for 50bucks condom on me! TF???!!! I don't mind we taking turns to buy condoms that are a bit more expensive. 50 naira?? I'll just lie there and be reading DSTV guide…or Hints magazine. :)
But seriously, I have a feeling GC condoms come with HIV…apology to its users! X_x
ROTFLMAO!!!!
#Goddarnit! "She said she didn’t want my penis going into her wrapped up in these “four for fifty naira gala wrappers”."
#ThatIsAll!
Sorry @thetoolsman bot I didn't quite appreciate your story. When would a guy (apart from Lagoshunter) admit that he cheated because he wanted? Even if your wife was J.Lo and flipping from chandeliers, a guy that wants to cheat would cheat. Did I hear any1 say Halle Berry?
U said you complained over and over but she still preferred to lie on her back. I wld like to assume d marriage is relatively young. (Since aisha hz bn her best friend for 10 yrs) About 3-5 years, which means you guys most likely av a toddler and she probably works as well. What do you think complaining would sound to her? That's a whiny bitch thing to do. Did you ever consider she needed time to relax? Did you decide to treat her instead of complaining like a spoiled brat? A holiday, dinner at a restaurant, even dinner at home just to try and get her in d mood. & then u wld say you complained. Until u can swap roles, keep whining mo-fo
However, d thing that pissed me off d most was the desecration of the best friendship. It irritates the life out of me when every man thinks the coolest cheating story is with the best friend. My mum still has a bestfriend of over 30 years, my aunt about 20 and I av bn best friends with Biola for about 7 years now. I also av my best friends from uni. Yes, we fight. But we wld never, ever betray each other's trust. This story is very insulting to friendships all over. Call me naïve or what not but if you think your best friend can sleep with your husband/boyfriend then you are probably the bitch that can do that.
Damisola u took the words outta my mouth…#nuffsaid