The philosophies of love & marriage.
Hey people. Today’s dialogue session will be introduced by @xoAFRO who writes at Afrosays To Me. Enjoy.
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“Let your knees greet the ground my son as I pour you a blessing”
In an antiquated but richly decorated hut that was very modern in its own time, a weathered old man placed his large leather palms on the head of his only son, his last child, a young man of marriageable age.
The bedding on which the ancient man lay was not so far from the floor that he could not lift the tired bones in his hands to the head of AkinTunde. A mild fire said continuously, CRACK CRACK CRACK in the spacious room, lending some warmth to the elder’s now weak bones. AkinSola knew the spirit of his fathers and their fathers too would call him tonight and he sought to gift his only son in the time that was left to be extinguished.
“You will bring greatness to our clan. Meat and palm oil and palm wine shall be plentifully yours. Your farms shall be watered with the sweat of many sons and your quarters with the gossip of many women.”
He coughed some of that bitter, dry cough that had put him on this bed. AkinTunde would have offered some words of solace but this moment was not as others.
“You will surpass your father and his fathers and even their fathers…”
AkinSola surpassed them all. This is how we know: In the belly of his stores, there was meat and palm oil and palm wine in abundance. On his farms, there was the competition of many strong sons and in his quarters the most beautiful women made bed.
It was said that mothers advised their daughters to take the route past AkinSola’s house on their way back from the stream. “Men like a girl that can balance a water pot and very well shake her behind. Sing a nice song too, AkinSola might marry you.”
Indeed, of AkinSola’s sixteen women, of these water pot girls he had married three and they would not stop coming. All the girls dreamed of joining the select of new wives he always married every new moon.
All the girls.
********************
“Stacy AkinSola.”
“Mum?”
“You know you’d be twenty-five next year? Aren’t you looking to get married or are you waiting for the government to give you a husband? Is your matter a Vision 2020 issue? We have been praying since, your father and I are worried! No man has come to visit you in this house, you don’t have any boyfriend that we know of…”
“Mummy! It’s okay now!”
“Just find a man that loves you. You know men these days are unreliable? They say they love you and they can’t stay away from other women. Not every man is like your dad but even your dad gave me problems in our first few years of marriage and if not for Christ… Sha, marry a good Christian man that would stay at home with you instead chasing women all over the place…
That is how your aunty told me that Kemi’s husband has been keeping one girlfriend like that. Can you imagine? Dele, that sweet boy? He rented a place for her in Ikeja and she’s even pregnant gaan! Your cousin is considering getting a divorce…”
“Mummy oh!”
“Sha find a man that won’t be jumping all over the place. A good Christian man…”
Mother and daughter, they continued chopping Ugwu leaves in the lantern-lit kitchen, the smell of fresh palm oil heavy in the air and the sound of its dance on the cooking pot playing to the choking air, CRACK CRACK CRACK.
It seemed funny to Stacy how times had changed. She remembered how father had told her about his grandfather who had kept marrying into his seventies. Stacy lost herself in the philosophies of love and marriage. Maybe man was only trying to cleverly adapt to society’s demands. Jimmy Swaggart? Bill Clinton? Tiger Woods? Ryan Giggs? Arnold Schwarznegger?
“…A good Christian man that would not break your heart…”
She would not be that naïve.
CRACK CRACK CRACK.
********
This short but excellent piece captures quite a lot of popular love and marriage philosophies in these parts. From the relationship between age & family pressure to religion, compromise e.t.c. A while back, I was thinking about some of these philosophies and how relevant/irrelevant they are nowadays. For instance, why must a woman marry before a certain age? Today, I’d like to hear from you; which love/marriage philosophy gets to you the most and why. Also, we can share the ones we appreciate/hope to adopt. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.
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First?
Nice one!
kola u are getting berra at dis
Read first!!…errr first 10? :)
So u mean as at the time you posted this comment you had read the post??
1st?
Wow….this feels good you know? Now goin bk 2 read d post*
The philosophy that gets me the most is 'All Men Cheat'. This is a lie from d devil, and it won't be our portion.
Oh, coming from a chic… This is interesting.
God bless you, I was about to post this but seeing that you have already I won't. Thank you for this Mizdeemeanor.
It's not a lie, and it's the portion of some people. Regardless of how many times you rebuke it.
"Cheating" is a way of life, and if anything, all men have the tendency to cheat. "Men" in this context meaning women and men alike.
Also, when people say "all", they don't actually mean every single one, you know?
You have to think about the idea of "cheating" and the different things "cheating" may mean. Some say looking at another person with lust in your eyes is cheating, others say it's not cheating until you do what you do with your lover with the extra person. If we take the former seriously, then all men cheat, men meaning women and men alike.
You also wanna look at the reasons a person would "cheat".. Sometimes, I see cheating as an escape really. An escape that points out your weakness too.
I've lost my plot, but I don't think it's a lie. But don't take my word for it, it's just how I see it.
5th
Wow! Just wow. Now I know Afrosays is my brother from another mother. This type of humour gets me the most. The type that is madly funny just by relating the funny facts of life. Pls people allow me laugh in the next few comments at all the lines that had me tearing up in the office. buahahahahahaha
First of all, chopping ugwu leaves. Chai, the depth of this national sub. Lol
*Stifles laugh*
Hahahaha! As in!
LOL it was indeed a deep sub!
Alarms be going off in my head.
I caught this sub too!!!
It breaks my heart, the Christian one. Marry a Christian, marry a Christian, but people seem to forget that Christians are just as human as the person beside you, and they will do "human" things too.
The age one doesn't bother me so much, it's something that would never change anyway. It's like they see women as milk, you know? Or fruits. Our ripeness has a limit, so our mothers don't want us to exceed that limit and expire. It's a bit ignorant, but I won't bash them for it. It's all about how they grew up.
I study Sociology, and one of the reasons given for the decrease in marriage rates is that women of today have so much going for them that marriage becomes the least of their priorities.
The way our parents tell us to get married before a certain age now is the same way we'll tell our daughters not to get married until they can fend for themselves without a man.
The love/marriage "philosophies" that I hope to implement in my lifestyle, though, are to love a person as much as I can, love a person that any problem can be fixed, love a person so much that we will not seek anything outside our relationship. And when I say "love" here, I don't mean it on face value. I'm talking about other things that are synonymous with love. Love and ideas of trust, building relationships, compatibility, etc, should be like the human body. They work together to make a marriage/relationship function. If one fails, the rest will successively fail.
sigh.. oh Moyo.. so much joy you've brought me this morning..
Kai u jus gve me hope! Tnxu! Adptn ur philosophy is why m gna do!! (( hugssss)))
Is Wht**
why must we fall in love or even marry sef??
Because we have to multiply.
"Go forth and multiply."
:p
well.. there you go…
cant we multiply without marrying and falling in love ?
But then you could as well multiply without getting married..as young as 10 I never bought the notion of marriage, I remember my mom used to pray for me a lot then lol..now 12yrs later I do want to get married but on my own terms. I don't want any1 telling me when and to whom I can get married to. I'm christian-catholic but if a muslim guy would love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me I'll marry him(I've seen it done so many times even in my family), it'll be hard yes but it'll also be our own cross to carry. Also that saying you marry a mans family 'WRONG' so many men out there do not let their family interfere with their marriage.
I didn't speak about love because ehh that's still a topic of debate for me :D
I love u so much 4 dis question!!!
"Is your marriage a vision 2020 issue?" This PDP SUB tells us that every Nigerian has lost faith in govt. LOL
And Ugwu leaves just had to find its way in there somehow yeah? Its ok…I'll get you yet banx!
For the issue, ah well..no comments! But can I say that after writing this? Ah well..*sigh*
"If not for Christ…Sha marry a Christian man" The silence there speaks of horrors so deep that even thinking of them is unimaginable. LOL
"Mummy, it's ok now!" BIG mistake. Telling Mummy it's ok now only makes her talk all the more, as seen in the story. Just mope and keep chopping the ugwu leaves, like a dunce! LOL
"The most beautiful women made bed" The sheer attempt at majestic language over something so mundane as sex is just hilarious. By the way, I'm still laughing at the ugwu leaves. Who would have thot those leaves would forever be burned in our memory as symbols of love when they were first written? LOL
Enjoying this breakdown… LOL
lol same here…
Lmao! Efe your comments ehnnnn…smh lol!
Ok. Last one. The way mothers advise their daughters to send signals to men is so sensible! That was how Naomi successfully instigated to coup of Ruth on Boaz's threshing floor. The irony of this is that, in nature, it is the male species that are more flashy and colourful (with flowing manes and feathers) to perform mating dances and calls (sometimes even fights to the death) for the female species to select. But in homo sapiens, the reverse is the case. The women wear all the lipstick, makeup, brazilian hair, tight skirts, low neck tops, colourful tops and outrageous styles to attract the males. We males just shave and wear dull colours and work at getting a job. And that's it. I'm laughing hard at the sheer irony. Standing ovation @xoAfro.
That should be "the coup of Ruth". I gbagaun like that sometimes. :D
I heard one recently "your husband should be your best friend"… I totally agree with this because it saves the marriage from a lot of trouble (using my parents marriage as a yardstick)
Then "the more educated/successful she is, the less likely she is to get married". I believe this is stemed from illiteracy…
Don't think it stems from illiteracy. It's the attitude of some men to successful women. Many guys are quick to say a very successful woman isn't intimidating to them; but they don't realize the extremes the lady has to go to to ensure she isn't 'rubbing' her cash in the guys face……
Some men even cheat because their wives are successful; they go out to look for something to conquer; since wife has 'conquered' them financially.
So I'd rephrase as "the more successful she is, the less likely she is to find a guy that's ok with it; and willing to marry her"
Bashers, note the word "some".
Yeah, True. Thanks for clarifying that niyola
Oh well…..no comments sha. I can't relate. Though, as a muslim and contrary 2 what most people think, A muslim guy is permitted 2 marry only one wife. Yeah! In the Quran, God said a man can marry one.or two,or three,or four wives provided he can treat each of them fairly and equally,in d continuing verse God saod but NO MAN can treat everybody equally therefore marry only ONE!! Bleeeh! Out of context yeah? *drinking maltina*
Why does this sound like it's coming from a muslim woman? *eyebrows raised*
HmmmmmmmMmmmmmmmMmmmmmmM
Well…must we marry?for companionship yes..to feel wanted yes..to procreate yes..
Marry a Christian man..a man who loves God won't commit sin hence he won't cheat.
All men cheat-some don't.some cheat more than others..some cheat at everything including doing yahoo..they will cheat their accomplices..
The truth is having a purpose driven life will ensure that when u do marry..it will be for all the right reasons..because you found someone you can't live without and yada yada.and when u are doing something worthwhile with ur life marriage doesn't come across as something on ur to do list which is what it is for many young ones out there who have crossed the invisible age barrier for tying the knot..and end up marrying someone just to be married .I don't feel like talking sha.
Highland blue u!!!
a Purpose Driven Life…now going to buy d book.. :p
Lmao @ Ugwu leaves. Deep!
That ''All men Cheat'' Philosophy is sth i will never let stick.
That sh¡T aint true. There are men out there who will stay faithful no matter what. A girl shud wait to be wooed, settle when she's ready and mature enough etc,but then d trend has changed.
I used the word 'portion' in my previous comment, and ordinarily I would have substituted it for 'Reality', but that comment came from my core, and if it requires binding, so shall it be *smiles* I have strong christian roots…
That being said, the reason he won't cheat on u is not because u are the prettiest, most intelligent, coca cola bottle shaped woman alive…..someone cheated on Halle Berry, Eva Longoria, and Hillary Clinton…and Hillary is smart.
The reason is something to do with him n God. He won't do it, because he fears God. See, that reason has nothing to so with you. Not that he won't get tempted, he definitely will, but acting on that temptation will not happen. Please, 'He' here, should be construed to mean 'He/She'. Because the things we women are capable of are amazing.
Now, notice how I haven't described this man here as a christian or a muslim? Its deliberate.
i so agree mam!!!!!!!!!!!…cheating of any sorts is totally dependent on said cheater's belief system…….
Isn't this ironic? A coupla days ago it was this blog setting 'standards' for men on its pathetic definition on 'Cute, pretty & sexy' & today you wonder about the 'philosophy on love & marriage' when stupid standards have been set on the unimportant things?
Human beings continue to allow society/ppl dictate to them on what they should want & its perception of what looks nice & pretty – vanity as this blog has done. And if this isn't attained, the search for an 'illusion' continues. Eventually we run out of time, bow to societal pressures & end up with a living nightmare, all because we don't know what we want.
Bottom line: Human beings don't know what they want & society/situation/circumstances will continue to make decisions for you.
Btw, "shake her behind" isn't/wasn't a phrase used at that time. So much for writing prowess
erm.. Monsieur Mantis, point of correction, this site has NEVER and will NEVER put up posts where writers try to set standards for our readers. In case you missed it, my post on Monday clearly stated that I was putting out MY OPINIONS as a way of starting the conversation that encouraged readers to share their own definitions of 'cute, pretty & sexy'. I'm no 'expert' on relationships, neither is @xoAFRO.
Banx, you don dey spread your badguy-ism come yonder, abi? Well, notin do you. Loved this.
Efe, you pant! You had me Lmaoing over here, mehn!!
As for dem Ugwu leaves? They work wonders. Believe me, I know. Tried, tested and guaranteed trusted by yours truly *wario laugh*
if u got ur gf pregnant….u must marry before the baby is born…
*hint* now goes searching for a ring
Remember to 'forget' to buy condoms honey…we wouldn't want anything to stop our prospects of marriage.
*rushes inside the room dripping wet cos of the rain, reads the story, goes through all the comments, scrolls back up and re-reads Efe's comments, shakes his head and goes back into the rain*
Y u must marry at a certain age???
Errr……….ur biological clock is ticking whle u re thinking about it!
Bt wot's d definition of a good xtian man?? Cos its not in d Oxford's 6th edition I ve here :(
Thanks all for the kind words and the opinions.
@efe it's good to see the humor found friends
@mantis, in whichever version of Yoruba language that was spoken at AkinTunde's time, i do believe 'behind shaking' was and still is an important part of african mating rituals. We do see cultural dances (I was recenly at a Calabar wedding).
@all,
issues on issues on issues, societal standards, naturally polygamous men, naturally materialistic/survival-inclined women, the influence of parents ++ more and more
Let's talk?
First of all,I thank God for my mum who has come to understand that I'm as excited about marriage as a little child is about eating bitter kola.
I'm not even sure a number of young people have any values as regards marriage and that's why we have people going into it for a lot of "wrong" reasons. I put wrong in quote cos one man's food is another's laxative.
As for love hmmmm…I don't subscribe to it as a reason for getting married.If I like u a lot then you should accept it with unending gratitude. Love is a growing thing;its a way of life, not just a feeling.
If cheating on your wife is your way of expressing love,by all means do so but, make sure u let her know so she doesn't go through your pockets,car and phones looking for evidence.
I've been told my expectations for a marriageable man are too high but,if I can build myself up to a certain standard why can't I expect more? I might as well not have bothered going through the stress of building myself up.
Beht this Georgeenah is a thorny rose tho. "If I like you, accept it with unending gratitude." Chai.
Wow…."If cheating on your wife is your way of expressing love, by all means do so but, make sure you let her know so she doesn't go through your pockets, car and phones looking for evidence." I honestly found this hilarious. Very.
Very, very hilarious!!! Hmmmn!!!
These philosophies end up affecting each and every one of us. Sad but true.
The one that gets me and that I now live by is "not to get married until we can fend for ourselves without a man."
ab
Lmaooo @ HighLandBlue's comments
Yeah and a couple of philosophies get to me:
Don't show that u'r ambitious,men don't like it.
Its okay for your husband to cheat;its part of marriage.
Have only a few male friends,surround yourself with women instead.
Divorce is not an option; Marriage is for better or worse.
the 'dictates' of society we end up spelling wrongly… you know, its deeper than it seems. 'awele, no marry man wey no com from ibuza' ahn ahn… warrizit? philosophies, accepted lies and the dictates of ignorance have enslaved us. i for one is a complete douche when it comes to obeying or going by all these nonsense. i hope some day, these philosophers would realise that things change…. damn!
*side note- this entire comment is a sub… now looking for a subterfuge.
Marriage is for better or worse..nuff said
Btw..how do I subscribe to this?
We are human, we all have the tendencies to cheat. Men and women.
People aren't all the same.
Love/Marriage.
I won't say they don't exist, but I do know everybody isn't lucky to have them in their lifetime.
If you're lucky, and u fall in love, or join urself in a blissful union, if you aren't, its not by force. Do something worthwhile with your life, don't WAIT for it to happen.
I feel a bit unintelligent but, better to be a fool now and learn than keep quiet and remain a fool. What is this deep SUB about ugwu leaves? I'm lost. :(
Ok. For this one you would have to consult someone privately. Tweet at @HL_Blue and he's likely to fill you in.
Oh, and as for marriage/love, I have not had the best examples/experiences, so I'm a bit of a cynic in that regard. My philosophy of marriage is: Don't Do It!
Do it. Totally. See ur fine face I can imagine the fine kids you're expected to bring into this world. :D
Meeen I carry last for this post eventually and @highlandblue lost me with the subs!!!! And he is setting P to tell…hmmmn!
I must write my own comment and take it!!
We become so liberal with issues and this forces us to want to fight against some of marriage illusions. If you gonna get married and you know it is for beta for worse then by all means take your time! but when you have divorce as an option, you become lax cos you think you can escape from the said marriage! Hw many marriages would you have to become eventually settled? Hw many kids lives would be ruined in the process?
This is not as easy at it seems and with the way I'm feeling now I'm tempted to sub a lot of comments on here..but moving on to today's post!
Just had to add this – Love exists, your definition makes it limiting!
For me marriage becums a priority wen I find d "one" I want to spend d rest of my life with! All men cheat by dat I mean women, men muslim christain or pagan!
Bur marriage is about falling in love wit d same person ova and ova again even though dey r human and dey wud make. mistakes and hurt you!
Dats why marrying d right person is important, we shud try as much as possible to withstand societal pressure and marry dat one person u can love ova and ova again eventhough dey wud hurt you and vice versa!
@kayshawy…loved this statement…."Love exists, your definition makes it limiting!"
You have said it all for me.
Oh…I'm glad you love it.
HighlandBlue's comments did it for me!!