Weekly News Update: Rounds 2013 WK3
Terdoh: Hey guys…
Sirkastiq: Yo!
Terdoh: So before we start, we would like to announce that our very own Sirkastiq has upgraded and become a big boy.
Sirkastiq: What??
Terdoh: Don’t front. Throw in a few emojis dammit.
Sirkastiq: …
Terdoh: …
Sirkastiq: And now the news…
Terdoh:
- UNILAG postpones convocation as Jonathan insists on MAULAG
- Lance Armstrong confessed to doping during an interview with Oprah Winfrey
- New York state lawmakers passed a bill tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons
- Poverty level in Nigeria DRASTICALLY reduced
- Goat that was ‘arrested’ in Osun State dies in custody
- And man wins Ugliest face award
***
UNILAG postpones convocation as Jonathan insists on MAULAG
Sirkastiq: At this point, I’m convinced this goes beyond just a naming. We need the truth; who did Jonathan make this “I shall rename UNILAG” bet with?
Terdoh: The much awaited golden jubilee of the University of Lagos’ convocation, scheduled to hold between Thursday (today) and Saturday has been postponed indefinitely.
Sirkastiq: Though, the reason for the postponement was not disclosed to the public, (of course) sources claim that the development was caused by President Goodluck Jonathan’s insistence to rename UNILAG as Moshood Abiola University of Lagos.
Terdoh: And to also effect a change in its certificates as a condition for holding the convocation.
Sirkastiq: I can’t say if MKO would like all this but hey, Kashimawo.
Terdoh: I think Goodluck can like to focus on more things. Like the increasing decrease (sic) in poverty.
Sirkastiq: We shall talk about this later… stick around. More news, after the break.
***
*Break*
…
*so many advertisements my gosh!*
***
Lance Armstrong confesses to doping on The Oprah Winfrey Show
Terdoh: Armstrong confessed to doping during an interview with Oprah Winfrey taped Monday, just a couple of hours after a wrenching apology to staff at the Livestrong charity he founded and has now been forced to surrender.’
Sirkastiq: This strange life…
Terdoh: By force of lifetime habit, Lance Armstrong showed Thursday night with Oprah Winfrey that he still is trying to shape his own narrative,
Sirkastiq: Had Lance Armstrong been willing to cooperate with USADA in May, it is possible he could have received only a six-month suspension.
Terdoh: How do you achieve true contrition when you’ve hedged your inspirational victory over cancer with a well-funded and well-orchestrated campaign to hide the truth?
Sirkastiq: You don’t.
Terdoh: Throughout his career, Lance Armstrong has been able to exert unbelievable control over the media and the flow of information.
Sirkastiq: Like a bus…sorry boss
Terdoh: Is there any biker that hasn’t been doping? I don’t even know anymore.
***
Terdoh: Meanwhile, Singing Sensation Sade Adu Turns 54
Sirkastiq: So we should do what exactly? Hold hands and sing Sweetest Taboo?
Terdoh: HAYYYYY!!!! (The woman is 54 though. Do you realise how old we are all getting?)
***
No More Guns New York, Okay?
Terdoh: The New York state lawmakers passed a bill tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons, forcing current owners of such guns to register them with the state…
Sirkastiq: And limiting the ability of the mentally ill to obtain firearms,
Terdoh: The mentally ill were allowed to carry guns?
Sirkastiq: The bill makes the state’s gun laws the most restrictive in the nation. What do you think?
Terdoh: Why were the mentally ill allowed to carry guns in the first place?
Sirkastiq: I don’t know what to think really. I don’t know of any mentally ill person that walks into a store and says “Hey, I’m mentally ill, can you give me a piece?” and concerning registering the firearms, we know it’s the elite and law abiding guys that will do that. You ain’t gon’ see no NY thugs roll up to the police station wanting to register no guns. So it’s good a law is in place but whether it shall curb the menace is yet to be seen.
Terdoh: Valid point. Let’s just hope that the shootings will stop. E don dey to much.
***
Sirkastiq: Meanwhile, The World Bank has praised economic policies of the present administration declaring that it has led to slight reduction in the country’s poverty index from 48 to 46 percent.
Terdoh: WOW!
Sirkastiq: That’s an ENTIRE 2 PERCENT!
Terdoh: Astronomical!
Sirkastiq: This calls for a celebration.
Terdoh: Did your country reduce poverty by 2%?
Sirkastiq: Goodluck is obviously working very hard.
Terdoh: Mind. Blown.
Sirkastiq: Speaking when he visited President Goodluck Jonathan yesterday, World Bank’s vice president for Africa, Mr Mouktar Diop, said Nigeria’s economic indicators remained positive even times of recession.
Terdoh: Of course. We’re still in recession.
Sirkastiq: Who are they fooling? Our poverty hasn’t reduced. More people have just died is all.
***
Terdoh: So you think you are ugly?
Guess again brah…
Sirkastiq: Tang has worked his way in deforming his face in the most horrible way possible.
Terdoh: He was rewarded for his years of hard work with a $10,000 prize and medal of the Guinness World Record for the most twisted face in the world.
Sirkastiq: “Years of hardwork” at being ugly? LOOOOOOL
Terdoh: He challenged any person in the world who can make an even uglier face and will award $15,000.
Sirkastiq: These people have obviously not enlarged some avatars on Nigerian Twitter.
Terdoh: HAYYYYY!!!!
***
Goat that was ‘arrested’ in Osun State dies in custody
Sirkastiq: I’m really trying to figure out how this happened. The policemen that effected the arrest, are we sure they are normal?
Terdoh: Hey. The goats were out of line. They were caught outside after their curfew. They must think they are above the law.
Sirkastiq: The five goats arrested by the Osun State Waste Management Agency (OWMA) in Osogbo last week were on Tuesday dragged before an Osogbo Magistrate Court.
Terdoh: Alongside their owners.
Sirkastiq: May we know their crime please? No? Meh…
Terdoh: Good one…
Sirkastiq: Three owners of the goats including Mrs. Aduke Adetona, Mrs. Esther Ibikunle and Adedoyin Adetayo were docked,
Terdoh: While the goats were not allowed into the court hall but kept in the premises of the court.
Sirkastiq: They even denied the goats’ access to justice
Terdoh: They weren’t even there to plead their case.
Sirkastiq: The court presided over by Mrs. A. O. Ajanaku discharged Mrs. Adetayo, who had already lost her goat in the custody of OWMA and ordered other accused persons to pay N2, 500 fine to the coffers of the state government.
Terdoh: Justice is served.
***
Culled from:
- Espn.go.com
- Theglobeandmail.com
- Reuters.com
- Channelstv.com
- Dailytrust.com
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Lol….you guys sha want us to read news by force…cool cool.
Sirkastiq: Who are they fooling? Our poverty
hasn’t reduced. More people have just died is
all.
Terdoh: Mind. Blown.
Loooool
Lmaooo!!! Sirkastiq and Terdoh will not kill us oo…. Rounds sha
Justice is served… and so is the Asun at the police station.
They actually arrested the goats? There's no future for the Nigerian police. Shiooor!
'sirkastiq has upgraded and become a big boy' because he won iphone 5? Umm wetin me i know? and as they say in this part of naija, hundred thousand plus, nor be beans abeg. Congrats.
I'm still wondering about the president and that renaming ish..there def is more to it than hears the ears
I like :D
Lol @ kashimawo