Why Some Women Have Sex When They Don’t Want To

Hey people, Toolsman here. The women’s month is just about done and it’s been all kinds of awesome for me. I’m also enjoying the Lights Out series which kicked off on Monday, if you’ve not been reading, don’t be a chicken, go ahead and catch up. Today, I want to share something I read online recently and then use that to get our dialogue going. Y’all know I don’t really like lists but this time I’m going to make an exception because I want to keep this as simple as possible. See you on the flipside.

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A lot of women who are married or are in monogamous relationships will often say that their man wants to have sex more frequently that they feel like it. The result is that a lot of women end up having sex even when they don’t want to. Below are some reasons that women end up rolling in the hay even when they don’t want to:

They understand that relationships are give and take – Let’s face it, most men who watch “chick flicks” with their wives and girlfriends typically don’t do it because that’s what they have been looking forward to all week. It is more likely that they do it because they care about her and will tolerate a “chick flick” here and there or will occasionally go shoe shopping with her because that’s what she wants. The same goes for the ladies; even when she is not in the mood for a little “nooky”, she might go along just because she wants to put a smile on her man’s face.

They are afraid of losing their man – The truth is that not every woman is completely secure in their relationship and even if they are, maybe their man is not completely trustworthy. Some women will do the do a little more often than they would like because they are afraid their man will get his needs met somewhere else or he will leave and try to find someone more compatible in the bedroom.

It’s an exchange – Some women like nice comfortable lives and there are men  who will spend large amounts of money on their woman if she keeps him happy in the bedroom. These women value comfort and security and as long as they feel comfortable and well provided for, they will keep giving their man what he needs in the bedroom, even during the times that they don’t really feel like it

It doesn’t take that long – Actual sex really doesn’t have to take that long so sometimes it may just be easier to say yes and just do it, rather than say no and risk hurting your man’s feelings.

At the end of the day, you might find that even if you started out reluctant, you still end up enjoying yourself! As long as you make the choice and are not forced into the act, having sex when you you initially didn’t want to may turn out to be just what you needed.

Originally posted HERE

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So, I want your thoughts on this. Have you ever had sex when you didn’t feel like it to please your partner? Tell us about that. And for the guys reading, is this compromise just exclusive to women or have you ever had reason to ‘take one for the team’? Women mostly feel men ALWAYS want to have sex so they probably won’t even believe it but please go ahead to share your experience.

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thetoolsman

Unrepentant media addict.
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  • Avatar

    @4th reason. . . ( ˘̩̩_˘̩̩̩ƪ ) ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡ ) ( º̩̩́_º̩̩̀ ). Biko, Biko, Biko I'd rather le Lover hurts my feelings & says no than to have that notion. #TeamStallion #TeamPineapples.
    Other Points seems spot on tho.

    October 30, 2013
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    Mz. Anonymous

    To

    October 30, 2013
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    LOL if this question were about the guys it would be very interesting. Like, ask the ladies to tell a time when the man said he was not in the mood and how they felt afterwards 🙁

    October 30, 2013
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    I started having sex quite late(24) when I foolishly thought my ex was going to marry me after he had come to see my parents. Prior to having, we had been dating for 3years so I was used to doing all the “shingbai” without penetration. We actually had sex few times (3 or 4 times) before we broke up. I stayes for a year and half before I got into another relationship and within that period, I dint have sex either. I’m in a relationship now and we’v had sex about 4times and for all of those times, I did it to please him or to avoid trouble and wahala. Not that I don’t have libido or anything but I’d rather do without sex. Truth is, I don’t enjoy it. I enjoy all the foreplay that comes before it, can even get multiple orgasms from it but when my BF penetrates me, I’m just lying there like a lump of wood,wishing I was somewhere else and praying he comes quickly.

    October 30, 2013
    • Avatar
      Deee

      Damn!! I know some guys wud be feeling like dey wanna make u feel the unfeelable, but rili u need 2 see a sex therapist.. Cos in d long run, its gonna come back to hunt ur relationship or marriage

      October 30, 2013
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        I have seen an OBGYN doctor and I have done series of tests which shows that I am as normal as the next woman. I have also asked my mom if there was any chance that I was circumcised and she said no. Don’t get me wrong, I get horny and wet and feel all the things a woman is supposed to feel. I also get multiple orgasms when my BF massages my clits with his hand or tongue but when the D has to go in, I just tune out. That ooh-ing and ahh-ing women do when a guy penetrates them, I don’t feel it. Instead, I feel like someone is poking me with a big stick or sodomising me sef. I may get a little turned on if I imagine pornograhic scenes in my head but that’s as far as it gets. I basically can’t wait for him to get off me.

        PS: why did my avatar change na? The toolsman, me no like am o.

        October 30, 2013
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            Tola

            It sounds like it isn't so much a question of arousability as it is something else. Sex isn't just physical, its' mental as well. It's entirely possible that you just don't like penetration either because it brings back memories of the one that got away, or because most guys learned about sex from watching porn and so they think that every girl wants it rough and ruthless all the time. Lastly, it's entirely possible that penetration just doesn't do it for you, so to speak.

            October 30, 2013
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          the lovepoet

          the clit is where a womans seaxual pleasure is located. you are perfectly normal. as others said, it might also be a mental thing. just give it sometime and talk to him about it, you might just find a way around it that works for you both. I suggest you also read Kama sutra, from the 4th or 5th chapter. it talks about this exactly. You can get it free on the ipad.

          November 1, 2013
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      You just might be gay.

      October 30, 2013
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        Tola

        I don't necessarily think it's fair to leap to the conclusion that she's gay just because of that. many heterosexual women actually find penetrative sex to be uninteresting or even painful. Let's face it, penetration probably is boring, especially if you don't know what you're doing. That's why women have the time-honored tradition of faking orgasms. If you get a chance, go read about the work of Bill Masters and Virginia Johnson.

        The only way you could reasonably make the claim about Amiee's sexual orientation is if you know something about her sexual fantasies and other such private moments that the rest of us don't.

        Amiee, you're probably fine penetration might just not be your cup of tea, nor does it have to be. Go figure out what you enjoy sexually and stop feeling like there's something wrong with you.

        October 30, 2013
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          Since when is suggesting that someone MIGHT be a certain way a 'CLAIM' or a 'CONCLUSION'?

          October 31, 2013
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        Oshey Dr. Tiki but I know my sexual orientation and its definitely not gay. I just hate it when people come on here and draw conclusions about something they know absolutely nothing about. *long hiss*

        October 30, 2013
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          I can see my use of the word 'might' just flew over your head. *longer hiss*

          October 31, 2013
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        Goodness me, doesn't anyone understand English anymore? I said 'MIGHT'. It is a suggestion, a call to reflection. If it is not the right one for you, move on. I did not say she 'is', or even 'probably is' gay.

        Mschew, some people make discussions so burdensome…

        October 31, 2013
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      Ada-Ada

      I know exactly how you feel. It takes time & a number of sessions before a lot of we women start enjoying the actual penetration. Don’t sweat it, you’ll do your own ohhhs and ahhhs soon enough.. 😉

      December 4, 2013
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    Mz. Anonymous

    Hey all. I'm a new commentator – for lack of a better word, on here.
    Is there a welcome-welcome pack I get? *flashes wide smile*

    TBH, I haven't really enjoyed sex the few times I've had it. I told a close buddy of mine recently – most times – when I'm at Nooky Ave. with a guy, my mind is hardly there. I'm sometimes thinking "I don't like this bedsheet colour", "why is this fan not rolling well?", "oga,quit yelling in my ear na" and other similarly weird thoughts.

    No, I am not a lesbian. I just don't enjoy it nooni. I finish and I feel 'jagajaga' and sometimes, sore at the end of the whole serenren. Why do I bother at all then, you ask?

    See, sometimes I'm with a guy I really like and I'm like 'hey, why not?' – and at the end think, 'why did I even bother sef?'. Some other times, it's just foreplay I want o. And before I know it, bros don enter Gear 5 – and I never even 'kicki motor'! 😮 Those kain times, it's hard to tell the guy to pull over or reverse na. So in times like that, I'm like 'lez kuku get this "Hump-ty Hump-ty" matter outta the way. And then one time, I set P (yez, I went there *covers face*) with this guy and from the 1st day we spoke on the phone, I knew I wanted the guy. But after the guy done 'shine my san'paper' twice, I was like 'Omo, this wan fit wounjure person o!' *flees*
    And other times, I'm like "omo e don tay ooo!" and then… *strips*

    All in all, I guess it's a personal thing. But for me – and from my experience, I'd rather not have sex more often that I'd rather do. Maybe I'm yet to meet that my perfect 'match' sha *pun intended*. Oh well… *moving on*

    Now, how's that for a first timer's comment? *bats eyelashes*

    October 30, 2013
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      I think you just haven't met a guy with whom to make love, and not just have sex. There is a difference between kpanshing and the kind of mating that just deepens an exiting connection. When you get that, nobody will have to convince you to strip, get into bed, stay in bed, and like it!!!

      October 30, 2013
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    Mz. Anonymous

    @ Amiee: We share similar experiences and opinions. I can relate

    October 30, 2013
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      Oh yes we do. After we done do the deed, I just ask myself in my head “se o ti tan? Is this why he was shaking like a fish brought out of water?”. My friends think its because I have limited sexual experience or cos I’ve not met any guy who “hit it hard” but I don’t think so. Some women just don’t enjoy sex. I’d rather do without all those moaning and humping in my ears, not to talk of the excruciating soreness in my p***y after the show has ended. If no be say person need to marry and born pikin ehnnn….

      October 30, 2013
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        Mz. Anonymous

        @ Amiee: Lol! True o. Very true. I relate with you 100%. I've liked your comment – over like dey worry me sef. 😀 I'm glad to meet a fellow soul sister my first time here o jare. *hugs*
        Childbirth? Hmmmm… Maybe na CS e go be las-las. But sometimes, I worry o. Like hmmm… shey I go fir satisfy Mr. Right like this ehn?

        October 30, 2013
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        babe

        I was like this ooooo. Until I met my ex. OmG!

        I used to tell him he unleashed my dragon.
        It takes time to loosen up. And I honestly feel it was something in my past that made me that way (I have no idea what)

        Maybe the thot premarital sex is a sin? So I dont wanna enjoy it?

        Anyways, as thetoolsman said. Enjoying sex is a right with your husband. HopEfully, you will get to enjoy it.

        Ps: most ppl enjoy the foreplay more than the sex. So you are on yje right path.

        October 31, 2013
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        Nneka

        Hi @ Aimee,
        I used to be like this at some point in my life. I had done a lot of stuff like down there without the actual penetration with the view that i had to keep my virginity for my husband.
        When i met said husband then “boyfriend”, and after doing the down diggity trust me i was truly underwhelmed!
        It took me time to trust myself and him enough to talk about it and work through it cos i knew i didn’t want to be one of those women who would be married but be imagining what the equipment of every other man who passed by would work for me.
        It’s a state of mind. Making love isn’t just a thing of the body, the mind also plays a very have important part of the enjoyment. You have to accept each other, choose to be with the person you are with, close out all distractions and let your minds and bodies be in sync that moment when its just the two of you together “nobody but you and I’ like John Legend says.
        Wish you the best.

        June 28, 2018
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      Dumi

      I also have the same experience and I think it's more of a mental thing. Because I see it at something I shouldnt be doing(Atleast not yet) since I'm not married to him, so my mind isn't there and I find it hard to just let go

      November 16, 2013
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    There's too many times a person will just do the do for the sake of it.
    1. When he has had a little too much to drink – he will now spend 30minutes humping away, by what time you cannot tell the difference between him and sandpaper on your lady bits.
    2. When you are thinking about chop money and the fact that if daddy's not happy, your bank account aint gon' be happy.
    3. When y'all are going to be apart for a while and you need to milk all'a'that so no one else can get it. At least let him be too sore to think about it for the next couple of weeks or so.
    4. As 'thank you' for something (new car, vacation, etc). Just to see the relish on his face lol.
    5. When you need to make that baby, even though the last thing you feel like is engaging in the actual process of making a baby.

    You men have no idea how little you are actually wanted on a daily basis. lol. No idea.

    October 30, 2013
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    larz

    things r getting a little quite around here is this the autumn / rain that is causing it or pre-Halloween enjoyment?
    So there goes your link between women faking it and not being keen to start with

    October 30, 2013
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    Tola

    Ladies, I'm telling you this as a concerned citizen of the human race. Guys have no clue what is going on in your minds and bodies. If you want good sex, you have to tell the guy what feels good to you and make sure that he keeps doing that. At best, we learned about sex from sexist male role models and patriarchal societal constructions. And then for extra credit, we got the visual portion of our education from watching porn. All of this makes it so that most of us African guys are not the least bit concerned about what feels good to our partners because we likely weren't raised that way.

    Sex might be a chore every now and again (even for us guys) but it doesn't always have to be. I'm you've all seen enough SATC, Grey's Anatomy, and the like to know what dildos and vibrators look like. Go get one and figure out what you like and don't like so that the next time you do the deed, you'll get a more immediate return on your investment.

    P.S. If he complains when you tell him what you like, then just tell him the simple truth. The more pleasure you get from the experience, the more likely you are to want to go for seconds. It's a win-win

    October 30, 2013
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    chaka Khan

    I agree with you totally….I have no choice but to satisfy my man kuz wen I might want it,he might not be in the mood but he surely delivers!!!!!!!

    October 30, 2013
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    aki

    Hmmm. Abeg where I fit buy recharge card?

    October 30, 2013
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    miss libra

    hehehehe am glad to know am not the only who thinks like this and have similar symptoms,i even get goose bumps which is the weirdest thing ever,whenever the action wants to happen in my head am like lets get over and done with this,i also started having sex late so i concluded that it might be one of the reasons,i feel you all jare,about discussing about it with the guy i tried that once and i heard the talk of my life like "what do i know" since then i decided to keep shut but am glad things like this are discussed

    October 30, 2013
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    babe

    Some of us do ur just to please him.
    Eg, I havent had sex in a week, I dont feel bad but I see my guy is starting to get grumpy and all.

    Sex or Bj will get him back in high spirits. So yeah, do it to let peace reign.

    October 31, 2013
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    kilokeys

    maybe u feel foreplay is safer, its definitely safer when thinking abt the odds of sex itself.. and its less intrusive, u dont feel like an object of gratification. then its justification, weell, i am not actually having sex or going all the way.. then maybe , fear of rejection after the whole thingy.. u would rather keep him longing for u than have him get it over with and maybe pick up interest in something or someone else (as we tend to b adventurous)

    November 1, 2013
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      yemi01

      Very good comment

      November 1, 2013
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    uche

    I don’t even like sex sef! People just don’t understand. Sometimes I’m just rolling my eyes and I’m like when are you even going to get done abeg? Like why even bother? I just gave up on the whole thing all together. I mean, why stress to be pretending that I’m enjoying what you’re doing when I really don’t care?

    November 1, 2013
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    uche

    P.S why do guys seem to know how the sex was? If I now tell you it was horrible or average, (as that is now my honest opinion), you will now be forming bruised ego!
    Plus why do some guys seem to think every girl is some vixen who wants sex but won’t accept ‘I know you want it’ plus why is it some guys cannot just hear ‘No! I don’t want to have sex’ plus stop offering us sex like lunch! We don’t want we nor go do! Hian, okay maybe I should have used me/I instead of us/we. But abeg, not all of us like lewd attention abeg!

    November 1, 2013
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    Tola O.

    Hold on ladies! And u dnt want ur men playin "offside"? I'm gettin y'all on dis one. If the guy is willing to pay attention to ur needs,y not do d same?

    November 1, 2013
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    afedziba

    truth! (to the post)

    November 2, 2013
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    @Airesmage

    This whole "Women don't like sex, we mostly do it to please you men" generalisation most of you ladies are propagating is a blatant lie. From personal experience, women want and seek sex just as much as, sometimes even more than men. If you don't enjoy sex, (a) You MIGHT not be normal (b) You're playing with the wrong playmate

    November 3, 2013
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    poisefreak

    Sex is overrated. Procreation is all its useful for the way I see it.

    November 26, 2013
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    XxX

    I know the first comment was in 2013 but lol. For the babe that doesn’t enjoy penetration well hope you are married now? Cause part of the reason why I think you don’t enjoy penetration is/was you had a mindset of sex only after marriage. I mean you only had Sex for the first time cause you thought you were going to get married. You don’t allow yourself enjoy Sex basically cause of this one reason. You think it is bad and should only be done when married(fore play and all doesn’t matter – you allowed yourself enjoy this) . If you are married now I am almost certain the narrative would have changed. Anyways good read. The comment section is usually where the fun is.

    June 2, 2017
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    Jude

    As a guy, I feel it’s important that you do what it takes to keep your man, and as the writer clearly stated, it all depends on the motive…. I have seen case where a lady kept saying she was having sex just to to him

    July 27, 2017
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